Surrounded by people
yet nobody cares.
Voices thundering
but no one's there.

Do this, do that,
conform to our views.
Bow down, submit,
it's ok to be used.

Drink your liquor
try to run from the pain
Make it worse
and drown in the rain.

Ignite your bud,
mind light and floating.
Indulge in sweets,
ignore the bloating.

Slice your skin,
unveil the mask.
Enjoy relief
which never lasts.

Sobriety.
Nobody said it would be fun.
Nobody said I couldn't run.

Run away from memories.
Dive into the bottle.
Drinking at full throttle.

Throttle pushed past her limits.
Jumping hills - watch me fly!
Faster now I'll reach the sky.

Sky dark and heavy.
Trapped away from sun.
Why have I yet to run?

Something bigger.
Something else.
Is there really?
Is there not?

We live on this floating ball in space.
Space, something indefinite.
Something unknown.
Are we alone?

Is it hard to believe
we are the only beings?
Yet harder to believe
there is a higher being.

We live alone
in our own worlds.
We feel alone.
Barren wasteland of existence.

Barren wasteland of a soul.
Body left to decay.
Just flecks of dust floating in space
for all of eternity.

The problem is I've held on to hope for so long,
I had forgotten what I was even holding.
Now I've found the thing within my grasp
Has only been fabrication.

My heart aches so much inside
For the little girl who will never have you.
My body hurts to the core
For the adult who's become burdened.

Continuing like this is insanity.
What I put myself through for you
Will never be worth it.
Neither will you.

Releasing my grip will hurt;
Cramped hand from holding so many lies.
But by freeing myself from these ropes,
I can reach out for something new.

So I'll open my first
Feeling the weight lift off
But I won't let myself look back
And watch you drift.

All my life I've believed in you,
I thought you were the one getting me through.
Time has passed-- Oh how I grew!
I do not believe the lies they spew.

Your existence is the lie
That hurts so much I wish only to die.
Instead, I turn face to the sky,
And spark what makes sanity equal high.

There is no way you can be real,
And still cause this pain that we feel.
Unfair is the hand you deal,
And cruel how innocent lives you steal.

You do not deserve an end
Or closure to this my fairweather friend.
I can no longer pretend,
Your chapter was anything but a trend.

I read a quote somewhere that said,
"I don't know how many times I have survived myself, without telling anyone else."

And I felt those words shoot through every nerve in my body. I felt them so deeply.

And I wonder how many of us feel the same way.

How many nights we fought off the suicidal thoughts, the urge to cut, the urge to purge, the urge to run or to hide out, alone, too afraid to worry or bother our friends and family.

How many days and nights have we all suffered in our own darkness alone?

People like us fight a battle no one can ever fathom because it's a battle no one can see. And we don't let them.

I've fought myself and survived myself alone so many nights.

There were nights I use to lose my own battle. But some how still came out alive.

I guess that's how we keep going. Because every time we give up we come out stronger.

You fight yourself and beat yourself up for so long that eventually you become a master of surviving a war.

We're warriors.

"I don't know how many times I've survived myself, without telling anyone else."

Tonight, I'm telling all of you.

I survived myself.

And if you're still here and you're reading this, you survived yourself too.

It's not easy but you did it.

And I'm so proud of you all.