Because after years of chasing after you trying to prove

           that I was smart enough for you
       that I was funny enough for you
    that I was right there for you
that I would never give up on you
    I gave up on myself
I was the stupidest one after all
   You proved it
      You were the funny guy
  and You were always right
     and You're still here, don't know why
        and You should have given up
           and yet here we are.

She would pluck those petals
from the flowers in the meadows
taking each and every one
till the right answer had been won.
She waited through the night
till the first shard of light
bound the blooms to open
earthly decor she put her hope in.
Talk to flowers all you want, dear
tell me, if you can, what you hear
he'll be walking, won't be waiting
you'll be plucking, here remaining.

"Don't look at me for another 20 minutes
     you got a dead look to your eyes,
                                                                                I don't need it."

The darkened hall grew around me
as she came, the breath in my
lungs filled and stilled, halting as I halted
the moment from passing
her skin without blemish, her hair
so short compared to my own
her eyes black voids to another
universe no longer recognized
her mouth turned up, though sewn
closed locking inside a world once
seen clearly in a childlike mind
and though time was still, all I
had ever wanted was looking at me
and it was the most terrifying experience
of my half life and I wondered
how scared was she, staring
into the future? I wondered if to her
my eyes were fallen, my skin so pale
especially in the muted gray
if she saw a destroyed fantasy
or a kiss of hope, and I wondered
if she knew too much because
sometimes it is best to be uncertain
and be happy than to be sure
but always disappointed
but my fear turned to agony when she
acknowledged my existence that
in the turn of this realm I am real
that she accepted me for all I
am and never will become
so dear I hold her, so far away she stands
with one arm gracefully raised
“Take me with you,” a prayer to understand
but I cannot, I will not
because I want her to remain uncertain
in loving memory.

Just know
       that wherever our worlds revolve to,
yours was part
             of the constellations guiding me home.
Like the stars,
       your light was a phantom of something
  I never actually knew,
                though it penetrated my heart so.

My confusion could be simplified
through careless exemption
in the sense of letting a deep cut heal
save the stitches
a curious thing left open beneath
a layer of textured, delicate skin
my topical treatment
of words from others full
of hopeless affection
and their eventual happy endings
and alcohol
**** the pattern of young humanity
I’m afraid even in the arms of
new friends
I would still remember old warmth
I would still hold myself closed
and fall open to infection.