fake friend / fake friend / fake friend
when the ******* will it end?
is this the new latest trend?
(just type "*******" & hit send)
         i really hope i never see you again

I don't know when it occurred to me I wanted you forever. But I think about every now & again. How a person could possibly want another person to hold their hand for a lifetime. I mean, ours get sweaty being intertwined for less than an hour. But I don't know, I don't know a lot of things. I don't know how I'm awake at three-in-the-morning only on the nights before I have an early class, or why the sky has that odd pastel glow on the nights when it's snowed, or how to drive, yet but there are some things that I do know. I know what shirt you were wearing on the day we met & that it's somewhere in my hamper right now, I know how to say the alphabet backwards just as fast as forwards & I know that my heart has never been more content in letting someone in than it has with you. I know, my love, that we're young & life's too short to pretend we're not perfect for each other, so I won't let myself picture a life without you in my arms. Terrifying to say, but the truest words I'll ever know, I want to spend my forever with you.

AVOID EYE-CONTACT

        / don't blink /

you don't wanna know what THEY might think

make sure your movements stay in-sync

                            * * *

   be sure not to draw any attention

     ignore the subtle apprehension

that you may be in an alternate dimension

                              * * *

       don't let your lips move while you speak

wipe off your tear-stained cheek

        don't let THEM think you're weak

just pretend you’re playing hide-and-seek

 

but don’t let them find you

& make sure you’re hidden from THEIR view

you don’t wanna get lost for good, *do you?

Before the world forgets us, I need you to remember...

that cool afternoon in November;
the moment our eyes met,
I’d already fallen for you,
though I didn’t know it yet
our paths, they’ve nearly crossed before
only fate had something else in store
for us; you see,
you & I were meant for love,
but back then, we were just too young
to understand what it was

before they met,
our paths parted ways
so we could grow up
& learn how to stay
because fate knew our stubborn hearts
& feared we would walk away

I still remember the day we met
like it was yesterday,

& though I didn't yet know it,
fate had led you back to me
& as long as we're together
everything is gonna be okay

now I can’t seem to remember
a time you were absent from my dreams

but I keep having this fear
that our world is not what it seems,
& lately, my dreams,
                                      have been nightmares...

wasted time waiting...
alone, by the phone
for a message that won't come

apology arrival, cancelled
cellular network, disconnected
forgiveness, intercepted
affection, rejected...

               *I wanna be so numb  
     that I can't feel my feelings anymore
     I wanna scream so loud I lose my voice
     so I won't annoy you anymore
     it's not like I had anything to say
               have a nice day
     thanks for nothing anyway

disconnect me from this reality
i want to escape the
                                     gravity
of this: a n x i e t y

(i feel like it's consuming me...)

there are a million thoughts
racing through my brain
all the time

& i keep telling you "i'm fine"
because you don't know what it's like
keeping everything bottled up inside

sometimes I just wanna get up & leave
everything behind me
just to forget
who I used to be,
get out there
there's a whole world to see

just another night
filled with spite,
without a kiss goodnight
or making up after a fight,
a fight that was never supposed to be a fight
a fight that wasn't supposed to ruin the night

go to bed without knowing everything is alright
feeling nothing but contrite
what a night

turn out the light,
sleep tight,
don't let the demons bite...

everything is gonna be alright,
*right?

what happened to innocence? 

life is just a game of dollar$ & ¢ents 

& it's not making ******* sense

salt on the streets
like salt in the wounds
of cracked, suburban sidewalks
swelling with trampled memories
of a forgotten yesterday

imagine a world far away
from the chaos of the everyday

won’t you come outside & play?
(everything is gonna be okay)

          the world is a snow globe,
          shake it up
          & let's watch it explode

          cut me up like a paper snowflake,
          did you feel the Earth shake?

i'm shouting into the void
a vacuum of hopeless eternity
can anybody hear me?

i just want someone to believe
that i'm someone worth knowing
or care where i'm going

(am i in love with being lonely?)
because i'm afraid to keep a friend
for fear they'll betray me in the end

if I cave will I collapse?
how can he be so close
but still just out of grasp?
& how much longer
will these fights last?
I need to know
that it's all in the past,
I'm falling
fast,
hope I don't
crash
×××××
can we please
go back
to before I said that?

this is a cry for help
but nobody's listening

(how
         would
                     you?
                             this silence is ear-splitting)

my patience is thinning
& it's only the beginning

can't you see that our world is spinning???

maybe it's just my head,
I'm unraveling like a loose thread
unable to avoid this looming dread
to which we're all condemned...

please, save me from myself, instead

am I on the wrong frequency?
because I still can't figure out
why you won't speak to me,
I forgave you
so easily
though our passions rose
unequally,
& honestly
I need you to be
on my side
unconditionally,
we'll make up
eventually
won't we?

sometimes, there are moments
when all the world goes quiet
and, for just a moment,
I get to enjoy the silence,
a moment away from the everyday violence
of society's daily defiance

yet, it never stays quiet...

the silence is so loud, I can hear
my heartbeat
pounding in my ears
as my darkest fears
begin to come near,
& someday, they'll find me
drowning, in the salt of my tears

getting older,

     growing colder

keep pretending

     you don't know her...

always giving each other

                                      the cold shoulder

                       yet you just let it smolder

         because she's only a placeholder

     but don't forget you never told her


 

she's just another back-burner friend

watching you cut off loose ends

like it’s the latest trend

 

     & if you lose her

          *it'll be like you never knew her

here we lie
side by side,
wasting time
you & I,
keeping everything bottled up inside
just to avoid saying  
what's really on our minds,
I just wanna go back in time
when everything was fine

before everything got so ****** up
back when everything was un-******  
but **** happens, & we fight
so please just shut-up
I wanna kiss & make-up, tonight

it is difficult to distinguish what is real from what is not real*

     what version of the world am I in?
these faces around me are so familiar but I can't recognize any of them

were we friends in a past life?
if we were, I don't think I'd forget
unless you were never a friend to begin with
but what does it matter anyway?
there are strangers surrounding me every day
& I just want to get-away

Honestly...
                     what am I doing here?
Here,
            in this world,
                                      in this life?
I’m tired of helping people
                 tired of doing things
                           tired of life
                                   I’m just so tired
                                             I’m tired of numbing the pain...

I don’t want to talk
Think
Breathe
See
Hear
Feel...

Feeling overwhelmed
Feeling o v e r w h e l m e d
F e e l i n g   o v e r w h e l m e d

Feeling out of breath
Feeling like giving up
Feeling depressed
Feeling like quitting
Feeling like breaking down
Feeling like the world is spinning so fast
And it needs to slow down
Feeling like I need more
Out of life
Out of this empty world
Wishing I could erase my mistakes
Wishing the biggest mistake wasn’t me
Always wishing
Always hoping
Always feeling too much
Always too little or too much
Never just enough
*Never good enough