Doors, windows, all nailed shut
An overgrown lawn that hasn't been cut
In over a year, or maybe two
That's how long its been
Since I last saw you.
I walk on your porch
Cautious that the floorboards don't creak
Remembering you makes my heart weak
Because the time away from you
Has added years to my heart
And I really don't think that we can be apart
So I gather my strength, my hands start to shake
My fists squeezed so hard that my fingernails break
I clench down my teeth, my confidence is high
The more I wait, the more this plan goes awry
One more glance at my feet, and to myself I agree
I know once I knock my past is behind me
I raise my arm and knock on the frame
And realize that there was nothing to gain
For when opening the door, it seems it was never blocked
The door, this whole time, has been unlocked.

I don't know where you are
But I remember where you were
When you first touched me
Not leaving a mark on my skin
But a tattoo on my brain
I don't think I'll ever forget
How I could sense you from a mile away
The way you would crawl into bed
How you held me in your sleep
Instead of dreaming
Because we never had to dream
Our dreams were reality
Our reality
Like a movie
Each day was like a different frame
Our life was seamless
A perfect blending of happiness
Not even Scorsese could direct
Words turned to actions
And questions turned into promises
In the forms of affection and in rings
And rolling the windows down in the car
Because you liked the way my hair looked in the gust
I remember everything
Every memory
Every touch
Like stains on a white blouse I will never get out
You stained my skin
You changed my whole being


I don't think I could ever deny what we had
What we could have
Or what we were
Though you hurt me in more ways than one
I don't think i will ever get that tattoo removed
Because I will never regret loving you
And I never want you off my mind

I don't think I'll ever be content
With the way I look,
The way I sing,
The way I talk
Or walk
Or dress
Or run
But you are
I don't think I'll ever be okay with the way I hold in my thoughts
Or how I don't always look both ways before I cross the street
Or how negativity brings clouds over my head
But you don't seem to mind
I didn't know that I could actually be loveable
Until you showed me that even God loved Lucifer
Once long ago
You showed me how to love myself
How to speak with a gentle tounge-
To speak my mind and be heard
That even when I'm off pitch
You love my melodies
That even though I'm not content
You are
With every flaw, ever scratch, every fade

I now look both ways before crossing the street.

Sad eyes
Tired thighs
Hung head
Torn threads

Yellow wrists
Clenched fists
Bruised cheeks
Messy sheets

***** teeth
Concrete underneath
Clean cars
Faded scars

Time will never heal

I would like to write you a love poem.
I would like to speak in flowery metaphors
and smilies, where your face is the
scarred moon
and your breath the dawn
but it would be more beneficial to
write
instead
an epic dedicated to the
way yoga pants make my *** look
because black stretch fabric
and my thighs
have a relationship worthy of fluffy fan fiction
and my worst pair
hug my body better than you ever could.
and black will always have more loyalty
than your heart can imagine

i woke and felt the weight
of an immeasurable sadness on my chest
or more aptly
on my throat
because i couldn't choke out the salted word 'stay'
fear held its hand over my mouth and i shouted against it
'please. stay. i love you don't leave' 'if you leave you wont come back'
so instead i wrapped serpent tight around you
wanting you so much closer
and hating my ravenous heart for being so gullible
so instead i kissed you
and knew you must have tasted melancholy
on gnawed lips and across my morning bitter tongue
i looked into your eyes only once  
pleading and hungry for the warmth of you
and closed my eyes as you greeted the morning
you will sleep tonight
pushing me away and mumbling incoherent
reasons as to why
and i curl
facing the window
awake
listening
listening
and i wonder if you can feel the quake of my doubt
and fear in your dreams