Exhaustion.
body melting into itself, cushioning
reality with hazy unfocus.
i feel fuzzy around the edges,
static buzzing in my ears.

Check the details.

Next time you see a tree
look only at the edges

of the leaves.

I never was good
at those magic eye pictures,

you know,

you’re supposed to unfocus
your eyes,

whatever that means,

and then bam, dolphins,
floating in the air,

inches from your face.

Anyways,

this Devil thing,

it’s a lot like that.

A bacteria
A Virus
Sickness
Illness
It comes at you
you don't expect it
Something so small
Invisible
Keeps you from living
Yet we still don't believe
Depression is a sickness
But something so small it can't be seen
Is slowly killing me
I can't leave bed
I can't focus
I can't unfocus
And it gradually
Painfully
Makes me smaller
Shrinking
Until I too am just a bacteria
A small
Invisible
Nothing
Infectious and causing no good

The world is a flash of colors
Red, Blues, Greens
All merge
To paint a beautiful symphony
A blotchy canvas to the naked eye

Figures shift in and out of view
All different, all colorful
Focus, unfocus
Nothing is clear
Colors, sights, sounds
A whirlwind of blurs and blobs

Focus, unfocus, focus
Focus until the picture is clear
Focus until faceless shapes become more
Focus until the world is alive

Pristine colors fill perfect lines
Shapes morph into objects
Colors become one
Figures breath life
Everything is clear

So clear
Nothing is left unseen
Every inch, nook, and cranny
Exposed
Dragged into the light

Every imperfection
Every little blemish
Every disgusting speck
Magnified
The picture focuses into full view

But I prefer to be blind

All You See is a drunkard on the skew

Hand full of bourbon,

A head void of thought

With scent that reeks of a night good for naught

All I see is a memory

A ghost of what used to be

Of a man of most charming disposition

And most dreaded of devils

It has made him empty

Has caved him whole

Left him to patch himself up with ***** and whiskey

All I see is a friend long forgotten

Of a man long gone

Replaced with empty bottles and a head full of cotton

I turn and look at the man on the skew

He looks back but does not see

His eyes an unfocus void not upon me

I turn

And I leave

All I see is a drunkard on the skew

There are times
When rather than sitting behind my eyes
I watch the world from the back of my head
Where the negative thoughts abound
And my outlook becomes dark(er).

There are times
When she steps closer to me
In order for her words to have more effect.
Her lecture/scolding/discussion to make a difference
Maybe this time.
But instead of that my eyes unfocus
And she appears farther away instead.

There are times
When the words I speak become like whispers
When I nod yes
But really want to explode
Yell and scream and rage
And throw delicate things at the wall.
But it’s easier in the long-term just to agree.

There are times
When I am with the person they don’t want me to be with.
And the world is right.
And I don’t know
If I’m with him because they don’t want me to be,
Or it’s because I’m drawn to him without their influence.

And it’s really unfair
That I can’t be in my world all the time
That there are times when I have built a wall within myself.
Just to agree
And get through the day without screaming until my throat is raw.
There are times that I do, though.
Why does that feel so right?

It is not your fault, what happened to me.
But this,
This,
You knowing what IS happening to me,
And knowing you can stop it with almost no effort,
And doing nothing, this...
Is.
And I forgive you.
I give myself no other choice, whenever you hurt me.
The only way is to forgive you, to find a way to love you even if you're
Silent,
Or venomous,
Or cowardly.
I never know if you are. I do not let myself find out.
I do not know your flaws,
Because I tell myself that to assume them would be the death of me, by your hand.
So I unfocus my eyes and look at you only through what you show me.
Perhaps you are a coward, afraid of what I am and what we've seen of one another. I wouldn't know it if you were.
Or perhaps you are angry that somebody pulls emotion from you.
Or perhaps you are just cruel.
Or perhaps you are none of this,
And I could not imagine what you are,
And whatever that is
Is right,
And whatever I am
Is wrong.
That is the end I come to.
That is the conclusion I reach, each time, to save you from me.
To save me from hating you, and to save you from losing me, I make you
Right.
I do not know if you have ever been right.
I refuse to know.
It doesn't matter.
You want to be. No... no I don't even think it's that.
I think you want me to be wrong.
Yes, that is it, you want me to be wrong, because I have reached some part of you that you don't enjoy.
You want it desperately, to pretend nothing bad happens, to pretend that the people in your life are
Easy and
Simple,
Unbreakable,
Unbroken,
Uncomplicated.
You want laughter to be the only thing,
But underneath we both know you are too smart not to see that without pain
Joy
Means nothing.
But you want your way.
You want me wrong, and I must want what you want
If you are to keep me.
And so I want to be wrong.
Want to apologize.
I want you to get your venom out at me, so that I may die of it and satisfy you, and have you back again.
Love me, hate me, but get it done.
**** me with one or the other so that I can rise again and love you.
So that I can be your friend and give you what I can.
It is not your fault, how I suffered before.
You knew nothing of it.
You couldn't have known.
You couldn't have fixed it.
But now you do know.
You have known for a long time, what happens to me when you hate me.
How it poisons me.
You have seen.
And so any punishment you hand me now is given without the shield of ignorance,
With full knowledge and intent.
You have watched me dying.
You have tried to save me,
Or to **** me,
And found that the moment is perpetual-
You can do neither.
You have seen the pain, and chosen to extend it, and
I
Forgive
You,
Whatever your reason.
It doesn't matter. It can't matter.
There is only the forgiveness.
You are a religion to me, because the only way I can stand to love you is to worship you.
If I were to see you as a human being, I would be unable to imagine such
Heartlessness and such
Tenderness
Wrapped up in one soul, given to the same person on the whim of the day.
If you were not a god, you would have to be two people:
One to ****** me and one to mourn me.
One to wound me and one to stitch me up.
One to hate me and one to love me.
You have seen. You know.
You know who I am, in full, even if you do not understand it,
And you have claimed you want to help me.
And I have asked you for what I need,
And you have given it inconsistently.
And I have loved you and hated you,
And you have loved me and hated me.
And I have forgiven you.
But you have never forgiven yourself.
And that is the only thing
I cannot do for you.

where do you go
when you go away from me?
when your eyes are staring
full of something i can't name
what is it you're seeing?

where does your head go
when your mind wanders
and your eyes unfocus?
where does your heart go
in those quiet moments?

where do you go
what are you seeing
where is it you're at
where it takes so much effort
to come back to me?

Time? Its 9:00
Driving to town
You're happy to finally see an old friend
You call her your girl
Pulling over into a convenient store lot
You check your phone
Something came up
She canceled
Sadness fills you
So you text a friend
Earlier he said you two would hang out
But he canceled too
You begin to feel lonely
You message a bunch of people and no one responds
A cigarette finds its way to your lips and its lit
A walk around town
Dark and empty, you only see a few cars go by
What time? Its nearly 10:30
You're all alone
Sad, frustrated, lonely
All by yourself
You realize you've gotten to your second smoke
You keep walking
Brief moments you can see your feet and the walk way in front of you
The night is empty
The street lights are dull
Infrequent
The pavement under you chills your feet
A chill that creeps up the bones of your legs
Creeping
Until the hand ashing that cigarette is shivers
Back at your car
Time? 10:20
Your phone lights up
You're blinded by its light
A message
A stranger? A guy? A friend?
Someone you know
He "hits you up"
You know what he means
You're hesitant, but lonely
So lonely
The street light pass, like a drunk strobe light
Off and on, off and on
You can make out the worn and shaking hands on the steering wheel
You don't know how, but you're in the car, a block from his house, before it hits you
You feel sick
Lonely and sick
You're there
A dim light
A couch
Cold again, you're laying down
Now you hurt
Lonely, sick, and hurting
The world moves in rhythm
Back and forth
The dim light is a haze as your eyes unfocus to block out the world and its rhythm
Time? Its 11:15
Cold again the rhythm changes
You want to cry but can't
You haven't been able to in a long time
The third cigarette is smoked

Sad is the love song to the woman
whose eyes unfocus beyond you.
Sadder yet is the love song
strung in the eyeless dark
to the woman who no more has
ears for you, though maybe still
a heart.

I let my eyes unfocus
--Late at night--
To give them a break.
I let mint-speckled skies
Double
When I stop paying attention.

I don't wear socks anymore
--Because--
I'm tired of pretending
To feel warm-
Warmth walked right out along with you.
A billion layers
Only bring me a cold sweat.

I might acquaint my head
--Brashly-- with the wall
Because
I can't relearn how to
Fall asleep.
I wouldn't bother trying either-
You're going to be on the other side of my pillow.

I might as well
Learn to play
--Guitar--
So I can make these words hurt as much in my mouth
As they do in my head.

Is it possible to spread your thoughts
on the floor
like a vague flower spreading across a tile world?
Is this what you were trying to do?
If I unfocus my ears, the screams issuing from my mouth
seem an eerie melody, dancing in tandem with tears.
Your ideas came rushing out of your mind
just as I arrived,
they seemed excited for the world to finally see them.
You though a metal barrel would help you survive.
Everything feels numb, everything is beautiful.
I accidentally fall on some dreams as I fall to your side,
crying (I don’t know why; here with you, I usually smile)
in a way that ***** swirling, shivering breaths out of this body-cage.
The growing halo of red reaches the fringe of my dress
black grows around the edges and I welcome sleep with a watery grin.



*
*
I don’t know why; you’re dead.
I burned the dress last week.
Grass is growing on your grave.
Your ideas never got farther than the kitchen floor
where you shot yourself.
We both died, we both suffered, you before and I after.
*
I don’t want to see you now.

Time to fix that smile in place
unfocus eyes so you don't see
the lies
and go to work,

where you know you've got to
face another day of more fake
smiles,

well
fake away
I see the false bonhomie

you've never known me
not the real me
seeing only what you
want to see

but I've seen you
in sick charades
parading what you
think you are

I've seen you rat arsed
on the floor
because you thought
they'd raised the bar,

better by far the monkeys
that chat on my back
I'm used to them and
know what they can do,

but you,
the semi autonomous
inflating your ego
what do you know?

It's Tuesday but I think
it's eighteen forty six and
throwing Dickens in the mix
don't make your whites no
whiter

Snow flakes?
if that's what it takes

nothing lasts as long as
that which cannot carry on

more monkeys to attack
the ones that chat,
my back is itching to
get into someone's
sights.

the room spins in past tense; i glance at the doorway. i could’ve sworn i heard the shift of the floorboards, i say the hinges whisper in my sleep. i let my eyes unfocus on the street lamp from my bedroom window and i follow the tracers; i befriend the ghosts under my bed. my mom only let me paint one wall pink. the memory drifts and gets replaced.

     i try not to let you see it but your
kindness shrivels me.
my whole life has been auburn
you think of me when the moon goes missing
i hold your spit-slicked hand