~~~

"When she was a young girl, Clemantine displayed the large courage to endure genocide. In this essay she displays the courage of small things: the courage to live with feelings wide open even after trauma; the maturity to accept unanswerable ambiguity; the tenacity to seek coherence after arbitrary cruelty; the ability to create tenacious bonds that have some give to them, to allow for the mistakes others make; the unwillingness to settle for the simple, fake story; and the capacity to look at life in all its ugly complexity."

David Brooks, NY Times, July 7, 2015
"The Courage of Small Things"
~~~

and you ask yourself
could I write this any better,

and you no/know/no
the answer well before the asking

but these combinations of letters
don't mere resonate,
they sound bells, all kind of bells,
wind chimes, mean car alarms, church bells, door bells,
sounds of nature soothing,
harsh noises so terrible
only humans can devise and extract,
not found in nature

the ringing sound of
the compartments of your brain,
clashing for predominance,
each with their own agenda,
and you silence them and write

thus compelled,
to review, define truths egocentrically,
examine your spatial perceptions,
ask the better, important question

do I have the courage of small things?

The easy answer is a runaway
yes or no,
the certitude of a familiar self-
(confidence, hate, righteousness, loathing),
the sadness of deprecation,
the pleasure of surety

and you know,
even the fools know,
neither are true answers,
only easy ways out

you chew and chew each small courage,
acknowledging insufficiency on any scale,
some here and there, maybe as good as average,
some here and there, far worse than most

in only one do grant yourself a passing grade,
and even that,
barely, minimally

"the capacity to look at life
in all its ugly complexity."

for here you are,
measuring and minding,
tallying and totaling,
in full public view,
knowing what only you know,
if, you this small courage, possess

I answer diffidently, fearfully, dangerously,
treading the line

in this above all, I must be a striver,
for all else,
even the simplest life,
is complex beyond reason,
see the ugly, say the ugly out loud,
permit to admit

for without this first step,
threshold, door jamb, Styx crossing,
you will never be able to summon,
you will never possess
the starting line courage of
asking and answering,
running when the starter pistol fires,
in a manner
unexcused, undisguised, fully disclosed,
and find the
beauty in
simplicity

do I have the courage
to do the summming up
of my smallest things,
that together
are truly
courage writ
large?

~~~
July 8, 2015
8:00am
NML

I shuffled into the decades old building
The dark velvety purple chairs lined up
The smell of oil and dust from the books stacked up in symmetrical rows seap into the four corners of the room
The walls were supposed to make you feel hope and comfort
But not on that day, not ever again since 2010

"Put your head down" my mother whispered strictly into my ear
As we collectively pass the opened church doors
But being the stubborn Taurus I am
I had to look up out of curiosity
Despite my mother's firm grip trying to keep my neck down

Beyond the aisle separating the two sides of the church she lied
In her delicate creamy white casket
Her eyelids closed shut for her mahogany irises will never be seen again
Her slightly chapped lips in a tight line
I'll never hear her nicknames for me
Those lips will never part

The mornings with salty noodles and streaming phineas and ferb
The afternoons watching judge Judy
The reading together, the joking around
Gone
Gone
Gone
For the great aunt I share those moments with lies helplessly in a casket soon to be buried
Only I have those memories now

We are a little ****** up inside
The parts of ourselves we try to hide
Some of us dwell in trenches deep
Just like those up hills so steep

Looking at the life I know
Stars above
Ground below
Everything we do not share weighs us down
In the stress we'll eventually drown

Is knowledge we are missing too hard to reach?
Can be the one to show me how and teach
More bad habits every day
But you can take them away

Is more serotonin what I need?
Expensive to sense/cents to feed
Rather fix hormones in my brain
Than leave be and go insane

A long way to go
Climb off my knees
Halfway there start to wheeze
Missed shot
I'm on the bench
Opportunity failed
Fists clenched

Throw confidence against wall
Kindness shown to others
Not self at all
And around in circles I run
Like clock hands thoughts are never done

Confetti exploding
Colorful shower
Pieces of heart shredded by the hour
No bravery
No guts
No *****
No spine
Days will never again be mine

No hurry to grow older
Faint embers to smolder
Story etched
Layers of stone
Exhausted to skin and bone

Walking motion
Too worn out to sprint
Precious time now viewed with tint
Inhumane way of wearing death out
Lies before infinite route

Mirror whispers
"You are not good enough"
Existing breath hated and rough
Body in conflict with the voice in my head
Dangling from a solitary thread

The day hazy because I am confused
Hop from mistake to mistake unexcused
Revealing that despair is long
Unchanging as I mosey along

My heart warming
Trying change
And thawing as flaws disarrange
Can think I'll get better
I never will
Spending time savoring that thrill

Laughing days that passed by in a rush
Crying
Sharing stories we gush
We are only distracting from the pain
Is a point ever reached
Where you slip down the drain?

A need to fix
Need to heal
No way of stopping the bad **** I feel
Move feet but I'm stuck in place
****** up all I can't erase