I've been acquainted with the following
psychoactives compounds:

Depressants & Dissociatives;
Ethanol / EtOH / alcohol, drink, *****
γ-Hydroxybutyric acid / GHB / G, fantasy
β-Phenyl-γ-aminobutyric acid / PhGABA / Phenibut
Dextromethorphan / DXM / Benylin, Robitussin
Morphine / Papaver somniferum / *****
3-Methylmorphine / Codeine
Dihydrocodeine / DHC
Buprenorphine / Subutex, Suboxone
N-Allylnoroxymorphone / Naloxone / Suboxone, Narcan
Tramadol / Ultram
O-Desmethyltramadol/ O-DSMT / Omnitram
Thiopental / Sodium Pentothal
Diazepam / ******
2'-Chlorodiazepam / Ro5-3448 / Diclazepam
4'-Chlorodiazepam / Ro5-4864
Chlordiazepoxide / Librium
Gidazepam, hidazepam
Desalkylgidazepam / Bromonordiazepam
N-Desalkylfluarazepam / Norfluarazepam
Flubromazepam
Alprazolam / Xanax
Bromazolam / XLI-268
Clonazolam, Clonitrazolam / Clam
Etizolam / Etilaam, Etizest
Flualprazolam
Flubromazolam
Zopiclone / Zimovane
Pagoclone
Promethazine / Phenergan
Diphenhydramine / DPH / Benadryl, Nytol
Chlorphenamine, chlorpheniramine / CPM / Piriton
Cetirizine / Zyrtec
Amitriptyline / Elavil
Tianeptine / Coaxil, Stablon
Mirtazapine / Remeron
Quetiapine / Seroquel
Nitrous Oxide / N2O / laughing gas
Amyl Nitrite / Poppers
Ketamine [racemic] / K, Kitty
Esketamine [S-isomer] / Special K
Deschloroketamine / 2'-Oxo-PCM / DCK
N-ethyldeschloroketamine / 2'-Oxo-PCE / O-PCE / Eticyclidone
Deoxymethoxetamine / 3-Me-2′-Oxo-PCE / DMXE
Methoxetamine / 3-MeO-2'-Oxo-PCE / MXE / Mexxy
Hydroxetamine / 3-**-2'-Oxo-PCE / HXE / Hexxy
Methoxpropamine / 2-Oxo-3'-MeO-PCPr / MXPr
Methoxisopropamine / 2-Oxo-3'-MeO-PCiPr / MXiPr
3-Hydroxyphencyclidine / 3-**-***
3-Methoxyphencyclidine / 3-MeO-***
3-Methoxyeticyclidine / 3-MeO-PCE
3-Methyleticyclidine / 3-Me-PCE

Stimulants & Enhancers;
1,3,7-Trimethylxanthine / Caffeine / Coffea, Camellia sinensis / Coffee, Tea
3,7-dimethylxanthine / Theobromine / [constituent of] Chocolate
N-Ethyl-L-glutamine / L-Theanine / [constituent of] Green Tea
Nicotine / Nicotiana / Tobacco, cigarettes, smokes
Ephedrine / Ephedra
Pseudoephedrine / Ephedra, Sudafed
Adrenaline, Epinephrine
Choline bitartrate
L-alpha glycerylphosphorylcholine / Alpha-GPC, Choline alfoscerate
Cytidine 5'-diphosphocholine / CDP-choline, Citicoline
N-Acetylcysteine / NAC
2-Dimethylaminoethyl (4-chlorophenoxy)acetate / Meclofenoxate
N-Phenylacetyl-L-prolylglycine ethyl ester / Omberacetam / Noopept
Coluracetam / BCI-540
4-Phenylpiracetam
Propranolol
(±)-2-Benzhydrylsulfinyleth­anehydroxamic acid / Adrafinil
(±)-2-[(Diphenylmethyl)sulfinyl]acetamide / Modafinil
(–)-2-[(R)-(diphenylmethyl)sulfinyl]acetamide / Armodafinil
α-Methylphenethylamine / Amphetamine, αMP / Speed
N-Methylamphetamine / Methamphetamine / ****
Lisdexamfetamine / Vyvanse, Tyvense, Elvanse
2-Fluoromethamphetamine / 2-FMA
3-Fluoroamphetamine / 3-FA /  PAL-353
4-Fluoroamphetamine / 4-FA, 4-FMP /  PAL-303 / Flux
4-Methoxyamphetamine / PMA, 4-MA / Death
5-Methoxy-2-aminoindane / MEAI, 5-MeO-AI / Chaperone, Pace
Methythiolpropamine / MPA / Blow
3-Fluorophenmetrazine / 3-FPM / PAL-593
Methylphenidate / MPH / Ritalin, Concerta
4-Fluoromethylphenidate / 4F-MPH
4-Fluoroethylphenidate / 4F-EPH
3-Methylmethcathinone / 3-MMC / Metaphedrone
3-Methylethcathinone / 3-MEC
4-Methylmethcathinone / 4-MMC / Mephedrone
4-Methylethcathinone / 4-MEC
3-Chloro-N-tert-butyl-cathinone / Bupropion / Wellbutrin, Zyban
4-Chloromethcathinone / 4-CMC / Clephedrone
4-Fluoromethcathinone / 4-FMC / Flephedrone
4-Fluoro-α-methylaminovalerophenone / 4-Fluoropentedrone / 4-FPD
α-Ethylaminocaprophenone / N-Ethylhexedrone / NEH / Hexen
alpha-Pyrrolidinohexiophenone / α-PHP / PV-7
alpha-Pyrrolidinoisohexaphenone / α-PiHP, α-PHiP
3,4-Methylenedioxy-α-pyrrolidinohexiophenone / MDPHP
3,4-Methyl​enedioxy​pentedrone / βk-MBDP / Pentylone
3,4-Methylenedioxymethcathinone / βk-MDMA / MDMC / Methylone
3,4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine / MDMA / ecstasy
5-(2-methylaminopropyl)benzofuran / 5-MAPB
6-(2-Aminopropyl)benzofuran / 6-APB / Benzofury
6-(2-Aminopropyl)-2,3-dihydrobenzofuran / 6-APDB / 4-desoxy-MDA
Mesembrine / Sceletium tortuosum, Kanna
Harmine / Peganum harmala / Syrian Rue
3,4,8-Trimethoxyphenanthrene-2,5-diol / Dendrobium nobile
NSI-189
4-chloro-N-(2-morpholin-4-ylethyl)benzamide / Moclobemide
Escitalopram / Cipralex, Lexapro
Fluoxetine / Prozac
Sertraline / Zoloft
Venlafaxine / Effexor
5-Hydroxytryptophan / 5-HTP / Oxitryptan

Hallucinogens & Psychedelics;
Cannabidiol / CBD / Cannabis
Cannabigerol / CBG / Cannabis
Δ9-Tetrahydrocannabinol / THC / Cannabis, Marijuana
Hexahydrocannabinol / HHC
AM-2201 / Synth-'noids, Spice
NM-2201 / CBL-2201
5C-AB-PINICA
Salvinorin A  / Salvia Divinorum / Diviner's Sage
d-Lysergic acid amide / d-Lysergamide / LSA / Ergine
Lysergic acid diethylamide / Lysergide / LSD, LAD / Acid, Lucy
Lysergic acid 2,4-dimethylazetidide / LSZ / Diazedine, Lambda, λ
1-Acetyl-lysergic acid diethylamide / 1A-LSD / ALD-52
1-Propionyl-lysergic acid diethylamide / 1P-LSD
1-Cyclopropionyl-N-Methyl-N-isopropyllysergamide / 1cP-MiPLA
6-Allyl-6-nor-lysergic acid diethylamide / AL-LAD / Aladdin
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-methylamphetamine / DOM / Dominic
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-bromoamphetamine / DOB / Aphrodite
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-chloroamphetamine / DOC / Doctor
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-methylthioamphetamine / DOT / Aleph
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-methyl-α-ethylphenethylamine / 4C-D / Ariadne
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-methylphenethylamine / 2C-D, 2C-M / Matrix
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-ethylphenethylamine / 2C-E / Eternity
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-bromophenethylamine / 2C-B / Nexus
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-chlorophenethylamine / 2C-C / Callisto
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-iodophenethylamine / 2C-I / Infinity
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-methylthiophenethylamine / 2C-T / Tesseract
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-ethylthiophenethylamine / 2C-T-2 / Rosy
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-fluoroethylthiophenethylamine / 2C-T-21 / Aurora
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-bromo-β-keto-phenethylamine / βk-2C-B
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-bromo-β-hydroxy-phenethylamine / βOH-2C-B / BOHB
2,3,6,7-Benzo-dihydro-difuran-8-bromo-ethylamine / 2C-B-FLY
2,5-Dimethoxy-N-(2-methoxybenzyl)-4-bromophenethylamine / 25B
2,5-Dimethoxy-N-(2-methoxybenzyl)-4-chlorophenethylamine / 25C
2,5-Dimethoxy-N-(2-methoxybenzyl)-4-iodophenethylamine / 25I
2,5-Dimethoxy-N-(2-hydroxybenzyl)-4-ethylphenethylamine / 25E-NBOH
3,4-Methylenedioxyamphetamine / MDA / Sass, Sally
3,4,5-Trimethoxyphenethylamine / Mescaline / M
3,5-Dimethoxy-4-ethoxyphenethylamine / Escaline
3,5-Dimethoxy-4-methallyloxyphenethylamine / Methallylescaline / MAL
α-Methyltryptamine / αMT / Indopan
N,N-dimethyltryptamine / DMT / The Spirit
N,N-dipropyltryptamine / DPT / The Light
N,N-Diisopropyltryptamine / DiPT / The Sound
N-Methyl-N-ethyltryptamine / MET / The Colour
N-Methyl-N-propyltryptamine / MPT
N-Ethyl-N-propyltryptamine / EPT
N-Methyl-N-isopropyltryptamine / MiPT / The Touch
4-Hydroxy-dimethyltryptamine / 4-**-DMT / Psilocybe / Psilocin
4-Phosphoryloxy-N,N-dimethyltryptamine / 4-PO-DMT / Psilocybin
4-Acetoxy-dimethyltryptamine / 4-AcO-DMT / Psilacetin
4-Hydroxy-N-methyl-N-ethyltryptamine / 4-**-MET / Metocin
4-Acetoxy-N-methyl-N-ethyltryptamine / 4-AcO-MET / Metacetin
4-Acetyloxy-N,N-dipropyltryptamine / 4-AcO-DPT / Pracetin
4-Acetoxy-N-methyl-N-cyclopropyltryptmine / 4-AcO-McPT
4-Acetoxy-N-methyl-N-isopropyltryptamine / 4-AcO-MiPT / Mipracetin
4-Hydroxy-N-methyl-N-isopropyltryptamine / 4-**-MiPT / Miprocin
5-Methoxy-N,N-dimethyltryptamine / 5-MeO-DMT / The God, The Power
5-Methoxy-N-methethyltryptamine / 5-MeO-MET / The Vision
5-Methoxy-N,N-diallyltryptamine / 5-MeO-DALT / Foxtrot
5-Methoxy-N-diisopropyltryptamine / 5-MeO-DiPT / Foxy
5-Methoxy-N-methyl-N-isopropyltryptamine / 5-MeO-MiPT / Moxy

(In some semblance of order)

(1967 to 1975)

kittens
carpet burns
fear
WGN presents “One-Eyed Jacks” starring Marlon Brando
my grandmother’s basement
slaps from my mother
fear
kicks from my father
fear
Nerf basketball
10CC “I'm Not in Love”
fear

(1976 to 1980)

sunny, cool, fall days
the woods on Sundays
tall green grass
raised red seams on a baseball
fear
Tickle Pink wine
the smell of hashish
the buzz of high tension wires
Stroh's beer, pull tab tall boys
the woods at night
the breeze through the car window
her breath in my ear
fear

(1981 to 1988)

“Footloose” starring Kevin Bacon
Michelob Light in bottles
extra spicy guacamole
fear
“Members Only” black jacket
para mutual wagering
*******
4 seam fastball
fear
the garlic taste of Dimethyl Sulfoxide (DMSO)
a 91 mph fastball
Feldene dissolved in Dimethyl Sulfoxide and applied to my skin via a tongue depressor
my 93.5 mph fastball
the roar of the crowd
fear
October
the swirling light and sound of a west Texas freight train at night in fog
Jesus Christ
fear

(1989 to 1999)

the anticipation of child #1
the birth of child #2
6 hours of uninterrupted sleep after child #3
an 8mm obstructed kidney stone
fear
morphine
fear
Vicodin
fear
sunny, cool, fall days
“The Road Less Traveled” by M Scott Peck
hydrocodone
fear
the woods in fall
thunder
******
fear
the woods in winter
the rumble of Niagara Falls
******
fear
Oxycontin
shame
******
fear
“Ruthless Trust” by Brennan Manning
the woods in spring
The Stanley Cup
fear

(2000 to 2004)

detox
nostalgia of my youth
photos of my children as children
hydrocodone
detox
fear
Jose Cuervo silver tequila
sunny, cool, spring days
Major League Baseball opening day
Jose Cuervo Gold tequila
fear
Chinaco Reposado tequila
the stench of pavement
Gran Patron tequila
the heat of pavement
Herradura Anejo tequila
detox
hydrocodone
fear
Marca Negra Mezcal
detox
AA meetings
Oxycontin
fear
Alice in Chains “Down in a Hole”
detox
nostalgia for opiates
fear

(2005 to 2007)

AA meetings
Camel 99's
her infidelity
fear
photos of my children as children
Camel 99's
the sweet, sweet voice of Martin Sexton
AA meetings
shame
regret
fear
Suboxone
regret
shame
fear

(2008 to 2010)

the tenderness of your touch
a king size memory foam mattress
the tenderness of your touch
Amerique Verte Absinthe
fear
discussions with the dead
the tenderness of your touch
Ray Lamontagne “Winter Birds”
the tenderness of your touch
ablution by Amerique Verte Absinthe
fear
visions of the dead
fear
visits from the dead

(2011 to 2014)

their forgiveness
AA meetings
Camel 99's
my inability to sleep
fear
www.hellopoetry.com
the tenderness of your touch
the tenderness of your touch
the tenderness of your touch
the tenderness of your touch
fear
Centenario Reposado tequila
regret
Tramadol in large amounts
regret
thoughts of you leaving me
thoughts of me being left alone
thoughts of you being left alone
regret

nothing
nothing
nothing

the words I have just written

darkness

fear

T** is for trials,
Tribulations & torment...
Terrorists trippin
Totalitarian governments
Two cents just spent.
Teachable yet I'm still
Treacherous
...
Take it in, just because I, can.
Thought that I told you,
to tell me to take it tonight!?
Tomorrow will, totally be alright
Tormented by
temptations of drownin it all... in alcohol &
Tramadol
Through the valley I rest
Tested by fires inside of my chest
Toast to the Ghost close eyes &
Then welcome rest.

sitting in
a fast food place
on the highway access road

drinking coffee.
five days of tramadol

five years of pain.
arthritis. the ******* doctors

slam the credit card
and do nothing except

prescribe.

call it in to the pharmacy
where I can drive-thru

for my fix.
they say this **** is good
for depression. hell

the whole world’s depressed
more or less

so put it in the water.

my
therapy
is the
word.

it will save my soul

even
if it never
generates enough
coin to pay
for

pain killers.

Lost my best friend now I hang out with demons.

Tramadol floating in Bacardi , *** to feel alive but I see death in my *****.

Make my bed and lie in it, invisible stains on the sheets, they can't see that I'm bleeding.

Hell's Kitchen, a servant and chef for lucifer, all these demons I'm feeding.

This might be contagious, please stop reading.

I have become the dead hour at Woolnoth
a sloth full of woe
and with nowhere to go
I go nowhere,see nothing.
Paradoxically
the deeper I sink
the higher I get.
I am set out on a table like gelatine,flowing slowly with nothing,is this a dream?
I need something soft on my skin
I need raindrops to stop me and let me get in
I need to touch and to feel that even I could begin,
but the clock strikes on dull,
I feel the stretching of sinews and I use up the 'tramadol'full already with 'aspirin' and 'panadol', and the mobile just lights up with the letters that spell out LOL.
it's the way not to start any day but the day never knew me.
I fly with the kites and am tangled in wires and the sloth only wants to settle,dreaming in spires, I aspire to be more than the dead hour.
I need to shower but the motivation eludes me and I sink further into the stink that I am become,
you can shun me I don't care.
I'm a slow learner on the back burner and I can't turn tin into gold,I need to be held,felled and falling into something more appealing instead of sinking into somnambulence and bouncing off the ceiling.

This is the state of play.

Nothing to do
everything to say
nothing to live for but sloths want much more ,as if there's a fire that burns deep inside them,ignites when they find they become men, and then there is Woolnoth,gothic and brooding.

Great poets don't die they live on and they lie in the beds between other poets heads and whisper,
do you hear them? the
ignition men
or do you hear the dull sound on the last stroke of nine?

Give me some Tramadol
Panadol
a laxative
a fixative
just
give me some peace.

Give me a new lease on life
a wife
a home
a new hip
(just thought that I'd slip that one in)

Oh Christ on the cross
how do I live with the loss
how does one start
when the heart has been shattered
and what does it matter?

Let me be drip fed on a bed
and out of my head
give me indemnity
against
whatever I've said or am likely to say
Give me
Today.

Been a while since I took them, the little keys to sleep. Unlock codes for unconsciousness, cheat codes for non-committal death.

But tonight the pain is unbearable, the mental wounds are bleeding like they’re fresh. Scenes replaying in my mind constantly, mocking me mercilessly for believing that they’d left.

Time is supposed to be a healer, or so I’ve been told. Time must have missed me off it’s to-do list because  healing is a card I’ve never been dealt.

The pain is effervescent bubbling through my veins and laying heavy on my chest. Tramadol couldn’t even dull it, it demands to be felt.

My only recourse are these tiny promises of temporary respite; I take more than recommended, playing roulette with this life.

It’s been a while since I took them, the little keys to sleep, I wish I could leave them but I’m weak.

I am out, a world of hazes, these oranges and yellows
Lighting the fields in cresents of coloured airs

Creatures that live at this time of year, and wake
I hear scurries, scuttles, and the occasional yelp

I feel dull pain, but lessened by tramadol and palaxia
Sun makes me drunk on the high tide of cold spring

Life is shining again onto another dead winter past
And soon it will be green and greener still
In this country island home of mine

I work to keep me occupied, and occupied
To keep resentment away, for feeling
wronged, when perhaps there is no such thing

Right and wrong, now there's a rub he'd say
I need to know it, I need the knowing of it like all
men and women

Am I right or am I wrong? or does it matter
When the dull grey soil cares so little about
Those it takes, when end time comes

But I take joy where joy is, and I see it now
Splashed across the sky in pastel gauze yellow
And these slight mauve clouds, I thank the god that
made such things possible.

The end.

Ha. And I haven't been suicidal? That I had scars that faded. That I haven't been through hell and back with a smile on my face? That I haven't seen my fair share of hurt and pain? That I have had so many moment where I've been suicidal. That I've had moments where I seriously thought about swallowing a bottle of bathroom cleaner. That I was monitored as I flushed tramadol down the toilet so I wouldn't overdose. I've been through hell and I've learned how to be strong. There are moments where my armor cracks and I'm left with heartache but I sober up and continue on my way. That I have to be strong. That I'm always going to have love on my side and when I don't have strength and energy, I look to those who I love

I smoke **** because it makes the headaches go away
My brain pounds against my skull
And the lights flicker and
The sharp pain follows me home
The drugs made everything dull
I mean, can you blame me?
A life full of sharp
Stabbing
Pain
Washed away with an inhalation of smoke
The tramadol didn’t work
The codeine didn’t work
But the smoke

Worked.

Every time I pass out into the light going north from the Terrace Tunnel
Gunning the car up to the 100k limit on the motorway
I am haunted by the memory of the death of 18-year old Natalia Austin
Whose body was flung headlong into the opposite lane:

‘What mad pursuit? What struggle to escape?’

Natalia fell in with adults who were drug-addicted and limitlessly irresponsible
And was persuaded to ride pillion on a Harley Davidson
Having been given a brief lesson on leaning with the bike
By Dee McMahon’s girlfriend Monique.

‘For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!’

McMahon was nearly five times over the legal alcohol limit
The equivalent of having drunk up to 42 standard drinks -
The autopsy also found morphine and tramadol
In what was left of McMahon’s corpse.

‘That leaves a heart high-sorrowful and cloy'd’

Hitting 140k on the bend out of the Tunnel
He smacked the bike several times against the concrete median strip
Shedding metal in showers of sparks
And ripping limbs away in showers of blood.

‘Who are these coming to the sacrifice?’

"We're trying to go forward and cherish the memory of a beautiful girl
Who had a bright future, and who was just too innocent and trusting -
You let your little girl go and you hope she's going to be looked after by adults.
She trusted them, and they've let her down miserably."

‘What little town by river or seashore,
Or mountain-built with peaceful citadel,
Is emptied of this folk, this pious morn?’

I made mistakes
I gave some people venereal disease
I acted with ****** impropriety
I ****** the girlfriend of my best friend because she had fallen out of love with him
Multiple times
And I didn't even do a good job of it
To the point where she went back to him
Because at least the *** was good.
I wasted my time here on Earth
I played video games
Past the point where I enjoyed them
I smoked ****
Past the point where my mental health started to crumble,
I took drugs and went to parties
Past the point where even I thought it made me cool
I made dear friendships
Which I allowed to fall by the wayside
I procrastinated
Instead of doing the things that I needed to do
I drank alcohol
As a matter or course
I worked jobs
Where I hated every second I was there
Every second I cursed my bad luck
Like I didn't apply for the job, pass the interview and voluntarily clocked in 5 times a week for years.
And I was too cowardly quit until I wasn't .
I sacrificed my life and my health
For those rotten *******
And still I will dream about particularly unpleasant callers;
I will have pretend arguments in my head in which I'm somehow not utterly spineless
My soul still wears the O2 customer services lanyard and the call centre headset.
And maybe it always will.
I smoked cigarette after cigarette
Whilst encouraging my friends to quit
I have taken pill after pill after pill,
All in secret of course
Opioids, benzos, amphetamines,
Codeine, oxys, ******, tramadol, ritalin
Just to knit together the tattered fabric of my sanity
So that it will hold firm till the end of the day
Praying that if I lie to enough people
I can some trick my body into forgetting to keep the score;
I moved to a distant country
Where I could better exploit the white privilege
That I was too inept to exploit in my home country
to exploit women who wouldn't look twice in my direction back home,
Who must secretly resent me
For playing through life on easy mode and still getting a pretty pathetic score.
I loathed myself
I have cheated on women I loved
Because I thought getting new ***** makes a person cool
And masks the insecure void inside me where a personality should be.
I made racist jokes, sexist jokes
Knowingly upholding principles
Which I'd long since rationally rejected
To get a few cheap laughs
I sat on my bed
And wasted whole days hooking my brain the dopamine machine and letting the books on my shelf grow dusty.

The journey begins as
most journeys do
waiting to see
who
runs for the train,

she's missed it again
for the third time this week.

We're filling up rapidly
they're looking at me
I'm looking at them
but
in silence.

Asian girl with purple hair
which I'm guessing isn't
her natural colour,

two Russians
Prussians ?
blue with the cold.

Woman on tip toes,
I imagine
pince-nez on the end
of her nose,
schoolmarm like.


It's Canning Town,
I could change here
for the Docklands Light,
one day I might
but not today.

On the way there is
the same as on the
way back

it's only the direction
that changes
and the time
and the weather
and
the Sun's position

lots of things change
I can see.

Sidetracked?
it's a knack
you either have it
or you want it.


she's wearing a
Roxy rucksack?
does it play music?


Too early to ramble on
too late for Tramadol
swallowing some Seconal
going back to sleep.



'

I  met a damsel
She is a goddess
Her beauty is endearing
Her aura, infectious
If you know Veluptas
The goddess of sensual pleasures
Then you'll know Venus
The Roman goddess of love

She pulled her magic wand
None could ever resist her
For she passes as a diety
If this is the road to yonder place
Please help tell my people
My choice is made
Afterall, once shall all men die

In her enclave were beauties
Mortal frames in immortal entities
Aisha Quandisha played aide
The magnificent goddess of sexuality
While Aizen Myo-o watched
This goddess of love and lust smiled lustfully
She was a fine sadomasochist

Nothing else mattered
Fearful, nostalgic but ecstatic
I braced up for impact
Like an airplane about to crash
What a **** way to explore and expire
Testosterone became active

He is the god of passion
His name is Anteros
He stepped up to me
Gently he whispered to a mortal
In the land of the immortal
Here, you don't need  aphrodisiacs or tramadol
A good show lasts five minutes
Thirteen by extension, trust me he said

Confused and puzzled I inquired
Then why do the earthly Queen say "Harder, harder"
They never get satisfied
"Stop killing yourselves mortals"
If it exceeds thirteen, it is entertainment he said
Go, enjoy it while it lasts
Go worship in her altar!

As I approached with caution
Flanked by Cupid
The Roman god of ****** love
Suddenly, I resurrected
Back to the land of the living
It took an anopheles mosquito
To make me realise it was all but a dream
So, i was plagued by chronic malaria!

Even though the mosquito I killed
For denying me pleasures forever
I learnt a great lesson Except my will is updated
Never again will I use enhancers
In place of tiger nuts, dates and banana
Lest a WhatsApp status last longer than me

To be awarded a Ph.D
As a researcher per excellence
In the faculty of Gender and Sexuality
In the prestigious University of Life
I need to reach Venus
The goddess of love
We need to finish the empirical study
Via the instrumentality of direct knowledge

If you know the quickest route to Venus
Please "Hulla", "Odimkpa"
Who knows, maybe we can go together
I guarantee you maximum "Shishi"
What I can't guarantee is
If the story will be told by us
But history will be kind to us
For this is a plague destroying homes
The onus of truth lies with us...

I live among many broken men
All of us with dented hearts of tin
Born to work and now work begins
Born separate now make the ends meet
I live among many broken men
Long gone rented out our hearts of tin
Born from labor now the labor never ends
Born desperate men of flesh men of meat

Never will the skin mend
Souls often stolen by the sin
Alcohol takes us all in the end
Spoken foul beaten brow ignorant men
Scars of hard work don't mend
Holes where darkness bleeds in
Tramadol pain killers quicken the end
Broken scowl Silent howl itinerant men

.disclaimer: see below.

and i woke up and thought:
well this could work...
   i don't know what
   amitriptyline does to me
anymore...
   other than leave a foul
taste in my mouth...
         the liter of whiskey does
much more...
  but... combine that
with naproxen (500mg)
   taken just before falling asleep...
and you can wake up...
feeling comfortably numb...
  the slow war of economics...
opening the sunday newspaper
there's an opioid epidemic
happening in England...
hmm...
   curious...
naproxen being
an  anti-inflammatory
pain-killer...
             so... what if
all these anti-depressants
are not really working...
    and you could take
one  anti-inflammatory
drug, like naproxen
   before going to bed?
  ****, works for me,
i fall asleep and wake up
like a pink floyd song...
the current problem in
england, with opioids?
i'll list the usual suspects:
co-codamol,
            tramadol,
             co-dydramol,
         dihydrocodeine,
   fentanyl...
once again...
  naproxen is an:
     anti-inflammatory...
i don't even know
what amitriptyline is...
but... you know...
me dumb-dumb...
        i'm all for experimenting...
psst...
it's apparently an
           anti-psychotic...
         and an anti-depressant...
so it's multi-task
   NHS approved
variety of paracetamol...
or... something...
  but what if...
   an anti-inflammatory
  drug, like naproxen
could be used instead
   of anti-depressants to
sooth the symptoms of
depression...
       hell...
i said and i'm the one
experimenting
            on myself...
    500mg of the stated drug?
eh...
       paracetamol
just doesn't do me any good...
but always before falling
asleep...
   and it's not even a sense
of a comforting numbness...
more...
             a vacancy...
anyway...
   it's good that
i'm experimenting
                       on myself...
so... is there any need for
                          a disclaimer?
what i'm waiting for
is someone to come up with
the term: chemo-phobia...
or akin...
       a phobia of chemistry...
because what other cure
is there and to boot a bottle
of shampoo...
   ****... banned...
alcohol... frowned upon...
   reality ******* t.v.?
  movies...
that's it...
   oh... right... jogging...
people will be people and
will always find their own
          nieche outlet
for whatever existential angst
is budding in them...
me? beer, walk...
   one tree is already
          premature in showing off
her spring bloom...
  eager *******-she...
or... how else to personify
                        a tree...
right...
             hermaphrodite...
children of the titan's daughter
aphrodite...
      no.... i'm not feeling
                    this        "poem",
thos: pooem.

ah... but i'm starting
to feel something:
                
   whoever gesaffelstein
  is?
               i'm all for viol...
and...
   that's the sort of "back in the day"
youtube jukebox
  was like...
     when the ******* algorithm
did "my bidding"
  or spewing out decent
obscurities...
   along with something
by die sonne satan,
die krupps,
            or vomito *****...

too many said too many
   basic things,
the perverts hooked in,
and now...
   the great jukebox is ******...
although...
once in a while...
you get to experiences
glitches forward to the past
style of experiences...

   no point talking at this point,
devil make my idle hands
itchy,
         neurotic anti-typos...

drop a white pill,
   and, sooner rather than later...
your writing becomes
tinged with something
     akin to non-pharma
experimental science...

  the overinflated meaning of words?
the rat entered the maze
and started to nibble
on its tail...
      wow... like discovering
h'america in a can of sardines...

    old continent,
year zero...
            and... like...
every rap song in the mainstream
without the word yeah,
or um in it?

maybe this anti-inflammatory
drug only works
   to tease a flamboyant
       nonchalance of utilizing
language with alcohol?
     no no...
    not a chance in hell...
              you need the music;

(gesaffelstein - viol)...
      oh sure sure...
        i'll just sooth my self-worth
by saying i listen to
nothing but classical music
or jazz...
                    that would...
   never' work.
    (psst...
apostrophe...
the upper comma...
implying...
  well... not possessing something
outside the plural,
in Ęgleash...
    ****** began life hanging,
he's going to remain hanging
like a christmas tree bulb,
he will be,
  made,
    implied,
to,
         state,
     a,
    quicksucessionofwordsinasentence...

otherwise?
   you want the german
spelling
   of complex compounded words...
of the chemical name?
oh... right... almost forgot:                                 )

Quaint crumbling yellow tower blocks. Heaps of trash and traffic choked streets.
Geckos smiling sweetly on the wall. Cockroaches and rats in the background. Two children. One mischievous toddler and one innocent baby. My wife in the distance looking away. A middle aged Asian man drinking, scolded by is wife and mother in law.
My wife in the distance looking away. A middle aged Asian man drinking, scolded by is wife and mother in law.
School aged children laughing and crying.
A laptop in a lonely dark room. Piles and piles of prescription drugs: tramadol , codeine, ******, ritalin. Tubes of corticosteroid and moisturizer creams.


Jolly fat men in their 30s drinking bia hoi, smoking endless cigs. A rock band plays to an inebriated crowd.


Sunlit mountains. Limestone karsts. Emerald rice fields on straight flat roads heading on forever with a fat sunset overseeing the lazy water buffalo wallowing.
The faces of old friends growing hazy.

A gaggle of women, enraged or sobbing.
School aged children laughing and crying.

A heavy lidded eye dropping a tear into a panic stricken and bloodshot one

Aeroplanes heading over the vast sea. My late middle aged parents smiling stupidly.
Various friends smile
A girl looks on with pity, flanked by a hard faced man in a polo shirt.

Oral pain relievers

         laying in bed,

a hospice bed.

               Favorite meals brought by

                     comers and goers.

Sadness

       pity and low voices are popular.

              Methadone given

lorazepam given

                 a walk to the downstairs bathroom for Pops and I.

        Phones ringing

              California and across the country relatives calling

                   a brother dying of cancer in California as well.

         We pretend to sleep

but,
    
    . ...       it's time for pain meds.

Higher dose of methadone hospice instructs us...

       we comply.

               A new day has dawned

and-

                    trips to the bathroom have stopped.

      Time for a catheter hospice asserts to me,

               I struggle with this decision

      do I invade my Pops even more ?

Ripping myself to shreds,

.......       I reluctantly agree.

I lie next to my Pop's bed on the floor

       dawn has yet to break,

             pounding on the handrails of death's bed is Pops....

                  I need to get the fxxk up !

       I need to *** !!!!

who the fxxk is holding me down ?!?!

             I destroy myself further for Pop's catheterization.

                  For one
hour Pops angrily pounds...

      Higher oral dosage of lorazepam hospice asserts,

               finally the pounding stops

......I break down ,

       telling my older brother that I need him to help me with this ...

              Dawn breaks and Pop's pain is a 7

              the time for ports have come....

        one in each of Pop's arms and upper thighs,

       Methadone is now morphine.

People still coming and going,

        but it's Cindy, Cathy and I that will not allow Pop's end in the hands of strangers.

              Morphine in one port

lorazepam in another...

Morphine becomes tramadol

              breaths become faint...

I lie next to Pops on the green carpeted floor.

                   End stage is over...

it's ended-

       I have lost my Daddy

the cold stethoscope tells me that my Pop's life is over....

          I am amputated limb, numb!

Questions amass from strangers

              a stretcher opens on my Pop's white ceramic tile foyer floor....

               a black body bag unzipped and my Daddy placed inside of it..............¿¿¿¿

      zipped up-

           my mind blacks out from there.

             I finally, weakly stumble to the kitchen and see all of the medications we pumped inside my Daddy.....

           it's clear that we fought hard against end stage cancer with Pops but at what cost to me.....

         for life?

Imagery never alludes me,

           it's a replay,

a broken record,

                        that will never stop,

      .....until my end days....

and this I know !