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Janek Kentigern Jul 2019

this time
its your side im gonna take
dont you worry mat
Im here for you unconditionally
i know you loved her
right until the bitter end
]right until your dignity was stretched out
over hot coals
over diamand like a fool
like an utter ****
you interoreted all of those negative sigals
all thise silent nigths in
avoivind the future
avoidung anythign
anythignthat might comr too close to the truth
the crippling trouch
that this time
in all the hundreds of milions of times
that this **** goes doewn
with romance]
and excitedment
and everything that for a bruief moment justifies alll yhr fuckign ****
that neurosis
the moments of utter indifference
when th difference betweeen crossing th road safely
and intentuionally hurling yourslef between the wheen of an oncoming lorry
grinding up the bones
tintoa insensate human patty
the reason you syou do the right thing
the sane thing
is fleeting moments like these were for a momnt at a time
we can acsend beyond the ordinary constrainsts ot every fuckign thing
and once that was you. Yuo were the thing that gave meaning to the shallow dochotoy between work and friend
. everyone wants something from you
sobut you stood apart from the din
the unholly din
of the forces pulling in operate directions
Janek Kentigern Jul 2019
The next room
I want to Take you into the next Room
Share cynical laughs at their expense
And make a toast to we, the privileged few
And share backhanded compliments

****** your shoes upon somebody elses bed
knock all their possessions on the floor
throw caution to the wind and live the youth you never dared
kiss me till my lips are sore

The bands you loved before the world caught up
they never did improve upon their first
now fading from collective consciousness
cos every album just gets worse

Give me something sweeter than oxygen
from a time when this was all brand new
I'm just trying to feel without thinking
this is too good to be true

Give me something that can satisfy
Give me joy that won't disappear before my eyes
give me something I can taste that isn't ashes on my tongue
instant gratification never took so long

We sigh in mock despair now without hope
Having watched Everything We Love's demise,
And the sacred cows all twitch with BSE now
From the culture they cannibalised
Janek Kentigern Jul 2019
Keep It Light, Keep it light
Keep it light for ****'s sake,
for ****'s sake keep it light

Keep it light, just keep talking about the weather
Don't look directly at the objects weighing on your mind
Identify the myriad peripheral minutiae
And save this sombre revelation for another place and time.

Keep it bright, cos I'm in need of some comic relief
No need to need to state the fact that things are really ******
So keep those stinking bandages wound up nice and tight
Everybody can see but they're just trying not to look

If You're lonely?
Well We're all lonely.
and if you're You're tired
Well so am I.
You wish you had more time to waste
In ways more fitting to your taste
You wish you didn't mind it.
Living life as you find it.

Don't think your the only one who sees the yawning void
Beneath this hideousness and decay
and whilst you cook up artful ways to try and make us see it
All we're tryna do is look away
All we want to do it look away

Keep it light, just keep that unthinking tongue moving
You and I both know there's nothing much to say
Keep doubling those negatives, don't stop your glottle.
Just enjoy the act in of itself, and the keep silences at bay

Don't invite, comparison's between each petty grievance.
Make sacred the fail-safe that disconnects them all.
Tell yourself there's more to this than sum of it's parts.
Keep on counting up the bricks but disregard the wall.

Keep it in, don't think you insights make you special
The self-aware will all still share the bullet-headed's fate?
Vibrate the air with sickly cares if you want to.
none of your pretty words will ever hold any weight.
Janek Kentigern Jul 2019
This moment, this juddering dread.
Its purely circumstantial
and it will pass
One explosive act, drunk on adrenaline I chose to be strong
for once
and Now I look where it has got me
“you did the honorable thing” they will say.
And they will be right
“for the first time in living memory”
They will add.

Scooping up the layers of ugly truths that coat this place
these walls, today, this life
like so much finely powdered snow
like so much asbestos...
easy to ignore. But never forgetten.

I wash them out out of my eyes each morning
And start my day.
Dismissing them as mere dirt.
I empty my pockets and find them there,
They are under my fingernails.
A taste in my mouth.
The parts per million build up inexorably .
I will sicken and die.
You are kind. You try to help.

But you are wrong.
Soon you are contaminated. Sickened.
This failure to do what's right
provides the background white noise to waking life
The scratching and chittering of the conscience
Like rattling pipes, Like rats in the walls
disturb sleep
you see the powdered snow
Trying to clear it up
hands cracked
Thinner, weary
Uncomprehending and trance-like. You have felt the sunlight dim.
You have gazed into the abyss to long…

“It's time to talk about this” you say
I resist, deny all knowledge, stare out with detatched wonder
at the swirling blizzard
of toxic flakes
That blows in through the open window.
You begin to talk about this

I cough out a weak joke,
splutter some excuses. Polluting the air with benign untruths.
Which settle in heaps about the place like finely powdered snow.
Your face it streaked with tears.
I scoop up the snow, now discolored by age and filth,
Compress it, hard like a diamond
Your face is streaked with tears
Your eyes, your ears, your pores are open,
At least you are brave enough to feel something.
You face is streaked with tears.
Your eyes bright with the still-hot fire of life, are desperate to meet mine.

Downcast, I shrink from them
Merely distracted, not happy, not sad
Solemnly kneading the crystals of poison snow in my palms...
Bent Double, wrenched inwards  in an agony of unfeeling calculation.
The task is beyond my Jellied spine.
You are pleading for me.
The man, the ******* man
To make the decision.

Somewhere beneath the layers of carcinogens an old voice, rendered unfamiliar by time is crying out.
I listen.

Unsteady. Drunk on adrenaline. I take aim.
Doubled up. Wincing. God only knows what how you felt when it hit.
When the full weight of these months of accumulated deliberation
and guilt
and truth
made contact, with the face I have kissed a thousands times before.
And now here a quiver, judder
a lame and broken invalid
I first time I made a decision.
“You did the right thing” they will say.
I pray that it's the last time.
Janek Kentigern May 2019
I made mistakes
I gave some people venereal disease
I acted with ****** impropriety
I ****** the girlfriend of my best friend
Multiple times
And I didn't even do a good job of it
I wasted my time here on Earth
I played video games
Past the point where I enjoyed them
I smoked ****
Past the point where it offered any insight
I took drugs and partied
Past the point where I thought I was cool
I made friendships
Which I allowed to fall by the wayside
I procrastinated
Instead of doing the things that I needed to do
I drank alcohol
As a matter or course
I worked jobs
Where I hated every second I was there
And I was too cowardly quit
I sacrificed my life and my health
For those rotten *******
I smoked cigarette after cigarette
Whilst encouraging my friends to quit
I moved to a country
Where I could better exploit the white privilege
That I was too inept to exploit in my home country
I masturbated
Over bizarre things that made me feel ashamed and full of self loathing
I loathed myself
I betrayed the trust of lovers
In order to gratify an abstract ego
I made racist jokes
Knowingly upholding principles
Which I'd often rationally rejectect
To get a few cheap laughs
I sat on my bed
And looked at internet memes until my eyes dried up
Janek Kentigern Mar 2019
It's nights like these
With nothing prepared
Just a few close friends,
And some time to spare.

Talk some ****
We've talked before
The same old stories
But I don't get bored

Theres been a week of work
You faced four separate tests
Small talk with strangers
Gotta get it off your chest

it's just like grooming
It's just Like we're of apes
Connections found in the mundane
Analysing mistakes

We'll play a bit of music
Start trying to impress
Have you heard this cool new ****?
But Ego is all that's expressed

Found comfort in the familiar
Dropping the facade
Luxuriating in nostalgia
When memories were still made

Open up a seventh beer
Only one working day remains
Work is gonna hurt tomorrow
But so does bearing all the stain

Of a life of repition
Janek Kentigern Jan 2019
We're gonna build that ******* wall,
We're gonna build that ******* wall,
Cos over here, yeah
We've got feelings
And over there they feel nothing at all.

We keep suffering out of sight
We keep misery out of mind,
We didn't get where we are by seeing ****,
And we're stronger when we're blind.

Well it ain't my job to care,
And I ain't paid to give a ****,
You see my grandaddy came and stole this land,
If it was yours, then you're **** out of luck.

They want a doctor when they're sick,
They want a house were they can live,
They want my air and my food and my water,
Well I ain't got a **** to give.
Yeah I ain't got a **** to give

they coming for your church,
And they're coming for your beer,
They're gonna make your wives wear the veil
They wanna make your kids grow up queer.

They tell me that the world is round
They tell me that we came from apes
They're tryna vaccinate my children
And there ain't no way to escape.

You see I love this ******* land,
I ******* love this blood and soil,
I love the colour of the people that I see in my town
And I don't wanna see it spoiled.

Don't you know that they'll take away your job,
And They'll take away your gun,
And now "free speech" has been outlawed, yeah,
They wanna take away your fun.

Well it ain't my job to care,
And I ain't paid to give a ****,
You see my grandaddy came and stole this land,
If it was yours, then you're **** out of luck.

They want a doctor when they're sick,
They want a house were they can live,
They want my air and my food and my water,
Well I ain't got a **** to give.
Yeah I ain't got a **** to give.

Put away you libcuck virtue signals
Cos civilization don't need your grief,
If the boot was on the other foot now
I know they'd kick out my ******* teeth.
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