“The Silicon Tower of Babel”
The over utilization of technology, its abuse, is unweaving humanity at the seams. Human health, sanity, and spirituality are under attack. The boom of accessibility over technology has increasingly subtracted from the frequency of face to face human interaction as well as human interaction with nature. The result is a declining emotional and psychological health and a ******* of spiritual values. Each individual who values holistic health should limit the time he or she spends using technology that isolates them to less than twenty-four hours in a week. They should make more purposeful efforts toward interacting with nature daily and for periods of at least an hour at a time. Lastly, these individuals should labor to replace reclusive technologies with modes of technology that encourage face to face and group social interaction such as movies, Skype, etc.
Self-limitation of the use of isolating technology will begin to correct the twisting of our spiritual values and the social and physiological damage that has been caused by the overuse and abuse of technology. In James T. Bradley’s review of Joel Garreau’s book discussion of radical evolution, called “Odysseans of the twenty first century”, Bradley quotes Garreau when he says that technology will result in human transcendence. In “Odysseans” it is said that “The nature of transcendence will depend upon the character of that which is being transcended—that is, human nature.”  James. T Bradley, scholar and author of this peer reviewed journal says that “When we’re talking about transhumanism, we’re talking about transcending human nature. . .  One notion of transcendence is that you touch the face of God. Another version of transcendence is that you become God.”  This is a very blatant ******* of the roles of God and man. When the created believes it can attain the greatness of its creator, and reach excellence and greatness on par with its God, it has completely reversed the essence of spirituality. This results in the ability to justify the “moral evolution of humankind” according to Odysseans. And this “moral evolution” often results in “holy wars”. In “Man in the age of technology” by Umberto Galimberti of Milan, Italy, written for the Journal of Analytical Psychology in 2009, technology is revealed to be “no longer merely a tool for man’s use but the environment in which man undergoes modifications.” Man is no longer using technology. Man is no longer affecting and manipulating technology to subdue our environments. Technology is using, affecting, and manipulating the populace; it is subduing humankind into an altered psychological and spiritual state.
Technology, in a sense, becomes the spirituality or the populace. It replaces nature and the pure, technologically undefiled creation as the medium by which the common man attempts to reach the creator. The common man begins to believe in himself as the effector of his Godliness. Here there is logical disconnect. People come to believe that what they create can connect them to the being that created nature. They put aside nature and forget that it is an extension of the artist that created it. Technology removes man from nature (which would otherwise force an undeniable belief in a creator) and becomes a spiritual bypass. “According to “The Only Way Out Is Through: The Peril of Spiritual Bypass” by Cashwell, Bentley, and Yarborough, in a January 2007 issue of Counseling and Values, a scholarly and peer reviewed psychology journal, “Spiritual bypass occurs when a person attempts to heal psychological wounds at the spiritual level only and avoids the important (albeit often difficult and painful) work at the other levels, including the cognitive, physical, emotional, and interpersonal. When this occurs, spiritual practice is not integrated into the practical realm of the psyche and, as a result, personal development is less sophisticated than the spiritual practice (Welwood, 2000). Although researchers have not yet determined the prevalence of spiritual bypass, it is considered to be a common problem among those pursuing a spiritual path (Cashwell, Myers, & Shurts, 2004; Welwood, 1983). Common problems emerging from spiritual bypass include compulsive goodness, repression of undesirable or painful emotions, spiritual narcissism, extreme external locus of control, spiritual obsession or addiction, blind faith in charismatic leaders, abdication of personal responsibility, and social isolation.”  Reverting back to frequent indulgence in nature can begin to remedy these detrimental spiritual, social, and physiological effects.  If people as individuals would choose to daily spend at least an hour alone in nature, they would be healthier individuals overall.
  Technology is often viewed as social because of its informative qualities, but this is not the case when technologies make the message itself, and not the person behind the message, the focus.  To be information oriented is to forsake or inhibit social interaction.  Overuse of technology is less of an issue to human health if it is being overused in its truly social forms. Truly social forms of technology such as Skype and movies viewed in public and group settings are beneficial to societal and personal health. According to a peer-reviewed study conducted by John B. Nezlek, the amount and quality of one’s social interactions has a direct relationship to how positively one feels about one’s self. Individual happiness is supported by social activity.
Abuse of technology is a problem because it results in spiritual *******.  It points humanity toward believing that it can, by its own power, become like God.  Abuse of technology inclines humanity to believe that human thoughts are just as high as the thoughts of God. It is the silicon equivalent of the Tower of Babel.  It builds humanity up unto itself to become idols. In extreme cases overuse of technology may lead to such megalomania that some of humanity may come to believe that humanity is God.  Technology is a spiritual bypass, a cop-out to dealing with human inability and depravity. The misuse of technology results in emotional and psychological damage. It desensitizes and untethers the mind from the self. It causes identity crises. Corruption of technology from its innately neutral state into something that negatively affects the human race results in hollow social interactions, reclusion, inappropriate social responses, and inability to understand social dynamics efficiently.
It may appear to some that technology cannot be the cause of a large-scale social interrupt because technology is largely social. However, the nature of technology as a whole is primarily two things: It is informational; it is for use of entertainment. Informational technology changes the focus of interaction from the messenger to the message. Entertainment technology is, as a majority, of a reclusive nature.
Readers may be inclined to believe that nature is not foundational to spirituality and has little effect on one’s spiritual journey, it is best to look through history. Religions since the beginning of time have either focused on nature or incorporated nature into their beliefs. Animists believe that everything in nature has a spirit. Native American Indians like the Cherokee believe that nature is to be used but respected. They believe that nature is a gift from the Great Spirit; that earth is the source of life and all life owes respect to the earth. Christians believe that it is the handiwork of God, and a gift, to be subdued and used to support the growth and multiplication, the prosperity and abundance of the human race.
In a society that has lost touch with its natural surroundings it is sure that some believe that nature has little effect on health, as plenty of people live lives surrounded by cities and skyscrapers, never to set foot in a forest or on red clay and claim perfect health. However, even in the states of the least contact possible with nature, nature has an effect on human health. The amount of sunlight one is exposed to is a direct factor in the production of vitamin D. Vitamin D deficiency has been determined to be linked to an increased likelihood of contracting heart disease, and is a dominant factor in the onset of clinical depression. Nature has such a drastic effect on human health that the lack of changing season and sunlight can drive individuals to not only depression, but also suicide. This is demonstrated clearly when Alaska residents, who spend half a year at a time with little to no sunlight demonstrate a rate of suicide and clinical depression diagnoses remarkably higher than the national average.
Dependence on technology is engrained in our society, and to some the proposed solution may not seem feasible. They find the idea of so drastically limiting technology use imposing. They do not feel that they can occupy their time instead with a daily hour of indulgence in nature. For these individuals, try limiting isolating technology use to 72 hours a week, and indulging in nature only three times a week for thirty minutes. Feel free to choose reclusive technology over social technologies sometimes, but do not let technology dominate your life. Make conscious efforts to engage in regular social interactions for extended periods of time instead of playing Skyrim or Minecraft. Watch a movie with your family or Skype your friends. Use technology responsibly.
To remedy the effects of the abuse of technology and the isolations of humanity from nature, individuals should limit their reclusive technology use to 24 hours in a week’s time, indulge in nature for an hour daily, and choose to prefer truly social technologies over reclusive technologies as often as possible. In doing so, individuals will foster their own holistic health. They will build and strengthen face-to-face relationships. They will, untwist, reconstruct and rejuvenate their spirituality. They will be less likely to contract emotional or social disorders and will treat those they may already struggle with.  So seek your own health and wellbeing. Live long and prosper.

I miss Lydia I lost her from my side
I wanted so much for her to be my bride
now I feel so lost

She told me she was my sword and shield
I took her with me across many a field
but now I pay the cost.

I need her by my side she fought so well
from the Draugr, Bandits, the Forsworn and Dragons I cast many a spell
she held me very tight at nights so that she could defrost.

Lydia Lydia Lydia I call you're name
why am I so heart broken it's just a game.
I am now heavily laden items must get tossed

I might have to start this game anew
but that would make me feel so blue
I made it to Whiterun and the forest I crossed

I searched and searched for you as far as Markarth
when will you join me once more and satisfy my heart
I have come to a final point and feel extreme exhaust.

Vampire cure**
So you are a vampire now well doesn't that just ****. Well its your own dame fault. If you had stayed away from that vampire cave like you should have, you wouldn't have gotten into this problem.

So now you want to be a normal being. A vampire life is not what is cracked up to be. Ok Ok I can help.
Here are the steps you should take.

Go to Falkreath

Go to dead mans drink

Go to Inn keeper and ask **** lady if she has heard any rumors lately.

To know if you are a vampire, duh, as you probably already know you have run into a lot of annoying problems.

Which means you are probably a full vampire by now, which is imperative in order to complete this quest. You will often see on the screen. Your vampire blood boils in the sunlight when it is daylight out.

The Inn keeper will usually say. Your skin is pale as the snow. You scared of sunlight or something.

She will also say Falion of Morthal has studied vampires, draughr and all matters of the undead.

Then you will get a quest that will show in your quest list.

Am I making any sense. If not go to the show more, or description tag and I will spell it out for you. For those of you that can read English. It will also show up in red if you go to magic and active effects.

So now fast travel or just find some means of getting to Morthal which is in the north and located  located in the dense marshes of Hjaalmarch.

Once you are there go to Falion's house, he kind of looks like a monk. When you talk to him ask him, I heard you are an expert in vampireism.

Be sure to tell him you are looking for a cure.

He will give you some ******* story of how he is so needed in the town of Morthal but to complete the cure you need a filled black soul gem.

Just to let you know, a filled black soul gem is the most rare commodity in Skyrim. So as Frankie Mcdonald would say. "Be prepared".

Falion will offer you or will have an empty black soul gem for sale.

Buy it. Yes you need this to complete the quest.

Now is the most difficult part.

You need to have a spell. Capture soul spell or a weapon that will automatically capture the soul of a living being. But not just any living being. It has to be human. I cannot be a draughr because they are technically already dead.

Now if you do not have a soul capturing spell, or a weapon that will capture a soul you will have to remain a vampire until you do.

Oh I should mention that vampires need to feed. Yes a feeding at least once a day. If you do not feed you will not be able to go into any of the villages. They will automatically attack you. It doesn't matter if you know the Yarl or you are married to Lidya or if your best friend knows President Trump. You will be totally ostracized by the community. Nobody likes vampires. They are not good people.

So if you have not figured out how the hell to fill a black soul gem the I am thinking you are not only a vampier but an idiot too. You my non friend have created a total new race of idiot vampire.

Now figure it out.

Take your filled black soul gem back to Falion. He will say. Meet me at ........ after midnight. Now you can go there ahead of time and scope the place out. Make sure you are well fed and no anoying creatures are lurking in the dark to interupt the cerimony. Not like it is a real cerimony but like a quest complete. If you are a said location early you can see his movements on the map.

The cerimony is very dull with no aceptance speaches and not pipes and drums.

On our knees
with arrows sticking out
we used to be adventurers like you
till we got married.

Skyrim, Land for Nords
Filled with Mead and Honningbrew
Singing with blood and cords
Disagreeing to their Divines and Lords

But raging with war and Talos Blessed
Destroying the empire, liberating Skyrim
Once Again

But a nightmare appears
"DRAGONS! DRAGONS!" a filthy Nord say
Running away pityfully as the Myths slays

A man stays
A nordic lad
Tough like Talos
***** as a rag
The tongue of the ancients
Shouting, stealing the souls of the Myths

It's the Dragonborn
It's back
Since centuries
And has came
To Unlegend the Myths
Once Again

I was born Of  a broken family.
Surviving on the skills,
You taught me.

Now I stand in the valley.
Beside the red stream.
Awaiting the arrival.
Of the Dov.

My daggers twirl in my hands,
As I dance with zeal.
Brave but reckless.
Because of youth.

I await thy path,
I must pursue.

The journey ahead,
Will be new.

I am Imperial,
Daughter of the wolves.
My home was Solitude.
Skyrims Capital hold.

I travel this weary path,
Adventuring beyond death.
I doth not fear you,
Dragon of hearthfire.

May my path pay,
The debts of my partners.

They deserve better,
Than the blasted Jarl.

Oh, i'am dragonborn
The slayer of dragons
The wanderer in the dark.

I travel from quest to quest
To seek for a purpose in this world.

Oh, i'am dragonborn
Lost in the dungeons
Freezing in the cold winter winds.

Oh, i'm dragonborn.

A man,
A weapon,
An armor,
This forms a warrior.

A man,
That the legends told about.

A nord,
Born in frost
Born in the blizzards
Of a place
Called Skyrim.

Now,
He has lots of titles
But most important of all
Slayer of Dragons,
The End of Alduin.

But after all
He’s a man
A man has weaknesses,
Even a warrior has fear
And the fear of a man
Is his end.

Distant cries,
Fiery flames of ashen pawns.
A cat is born,
Under the desert sun.

Darkened Jewel,
Eyes of lightning.
Cobalt blue.

The fur of brown,
Ears of perky sounds.
Cat of the Pride.

Dark Jewel,
Eyes of the lightning hue.
The cat,
Of Elsweyr.

I Craw in the Urban Jungle night after night, making shadows my best friend
Because my pale skin would get sunburn in the day time.
Many of you have read about me on the internet,
But don't know if we exist like the Yeti or Bigfoot
Every now and then you see photos of me and hear stories about our existence
But here I am, White, Nerdy and…. Nerdy

Nerdy like the Nerds falling out of the box and skipping on the floor of my lair
(or my parents basement whatever you call it).
Some moments you will find me praying to my shrine for my savior, Weird Al Yankovic

Many of you may call us “ Losers”
But let me take a moment to tell you why you are wrong, in every way.
First off, We are not losers we just win at things that you don't care about
Like the Rubik's Cube, Dungeon and Dragons, and Larping
We don’t care about making friends, getting the poo tang, or getting high off of our *****
No we are too occupied trying to plan how we will survive the zombie apocalypse,
Or debating on if Star Wars is better than Star Track.
We are too busy reading comic books, Leveling up our one handedness
On Skyrim of course.

You think that we are hideous,
But in all reality, my acne improves my defenses against mother nature,
My braces are actually tools that government uses so they can reflect solar flares back to space
I'm ugly because god decided to make me pick up girls on ******* mode because before you Meet me it was way too easy.

Many of you think that we are weak
I may have spaghetti arms, no abs, but you know what, no problem,
Because if you look at my shadow, you see someone that 10 feet tall and bulletproof
I am a nerd, hear me roar.

My roar breaks your paper thin confidence
As it just floats in the wind like leaves, leaving the tree in October
My roar will rock your house with all of your friends leaving you alone because in the end, you May be popular but lets be honest, who are your real friends?
Call me weak, I dare you

Being a nerd has taught me many things
Like don't eat cake because it is deceiving
And that Neo should of taken the blue pill
Because that movie series was terrible.
And that DC Comics is the best, ***** Marvel
But the one thing it taught me the most is that be proud of myself.

I'm considered to be nerdy
Awkward, not flirty.

They call me gay,
Because I Cosplay.

I must be a dork
Because Zelda's my lord,
And she's way cooler than any sport.

Could someone love me?
That couldn't be.

I watch too much anime,
And BBC.

I praise The doctor and Spock.
Even Sherlock.
Cause in my opinion
They're better than jocks.

Being nerdy is quite fun,
But you make me sound dumb.

We're accepting and caring
But please stop staring.

Am I making this boring?
Don't start snoring..

Just give me a chance.
I'll make it last.

We could play Skyrim or league.
Wait, don't leave!

I can be cool,
Just like you!

I can calculate big numbers in my head,
Or make a fortress out of my bed

I can be an ork, elf, or spy.
Just as long as it's allowed by the die.

I can cast spells online.
Don't worry, you'll be fine!

I can role play to the extreme!!!
That's right, I call it d&d.;

I'm proud to be a geek.
Yes, we're very neet!

We know our facts!
We're anime maniacs.

I'm good at mtg!
It takes skill to be like me.

I'm cool I tell you!
I'm grand.

But at the same time,
You don't make me feel great.

I'm a loser,
A dork

No, I don't like baseball, football, or hockey
I can't bench and I don't lift.

But I go to some pretty intense parties...
On Xbox.

My heart is bigger than my head..
No, not literally.

I'd bring you a rose
And write you a poem

You'd be my Rory.
This isn't the end of the story.

I'd love you more than
video games, Star Wars, and D&D.;

In the end,
You're always my MVP.

You don't have to lie,
I know you'll decline..

but my feelings won't change.
They'll always be the same.

Maybe I'd be cool..
If I were with you.

But that'll never be
Because you fail to see OTP.

Then again,
It's all good in the end
Because..

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Manga costs less
Than dinner for two.

The sun rose,
Over the snowy lands so cold.
Over the treacherous terrain,
Of the Reach.

A beautiful one,
Who roams this world alone.
Only to have a horse by her side,
But no lover to take pride.

Roaming this land,
She is Jaedin.
Her mate awaiting her appearance.
He who is handsome and kind.
He who loves and cares.
For anything in the world.

Jaedin will find that mate,
He will find her.
Marriage will commence.
So will children.

The sun set,
Over Tamriel.
Over the hearts as one.
As they embraced,
Under a high moon.

I bonded with him over Skyrim,
Took it further with Star Wars,
And sealed the deal with Doctor Who.
I never thought those things could get me so far.

I spent 8 hours playing today.
        I don't know how time flew away.
        "Expansive?" - Have you heard of it?
        The graphics are superlative.

        Whether I am torching trolls,
        Or I bag some butterflies,
        It is I, who's in control,
        No more bound by flagrant lies,

        No more weakness, no more pain,
        No more under Fate's disdain,
        No more contact, naught to gain,
        From the sunshine, nor the rain.

I spent 8 hours watching this time,
        I must say anime's sublime.
        The characters and plot were great!
        Oh how they challenged god-king, Fate!!!

        When she died in bitter end...
        Felt as if my heart were torn.
        "She's not real; to real life, tend."
        This truth's true. Still I'm forlorn.

        This truth's blue, yet that one's red.
        "This truth's you," at least, You've said.
        This truth's cat-in-box is dead.
        Truth, a mortal cannot wed.

I spent 8 hours surfing tonight,
        And to my bones, I'm filled with fright.
        How can someone be complacent,
        All our goodness hidden, latent?

        ******, ******, Usury:
        How are these so commonplace?
        Greed, Sloth, Anger, Gluttony:
        Unjust suff'ring our disgrace.

        Unjust suff'ring in the land,
        Unjust suff'ring from my hand,
        Unjust suff'ring by command,
        Imminent, unless I stand...

I spent all day's hours without life.
        I halted searching for a wife,
        And while, for long, I can't reside.
        I feel as though I've seen inside...

        Perhaps I'm wrong, lost, or stale.
        I will trudge on to the goal,
        For I claim this human tale,
        Is the lively, lovely soul,

        Is the masters' art and song,
        Is the teaching, "Do no wrong,"
        Is the simple game of pong,
        Is the moon, so bright and strong.

Through the land,
I know every sound.
That caresses my pointed ears.
Vibrating to the very core of my brain
Seeping through it's cracks...

I walk this land,
Astride my horse.
Wandering as a nomad,
^No place to call home..

I was born in Raven Rock,
A Dunmer or dark elf..
as some would say.

I am known as a Gray-skin,
To Skyrim..

So I keep astride,
Finding any camp to sleep.
Though I have to **** for rest.

I am destined to return,
To ash Island of Solsteim.
To defeat Miraak..
And Yes,
I am Dragonborn.

My family is dead,
I am the first Dunmer to return.

My Crimson eyes tell stories,
Of my emotions,
My dreams.

I am Iria,
Daughter to the House of Telvani.

My home is now Ash,
And deserted.
The Red mountains destruction,
Left only coals to burn.

As I journey,
To the Frozen lands.
I wonder what's in store,
When I arrive in Skyrim...

A Silence stirs within the people,
As the King anoints his knight.
The man of righteous renewal,
From the very start.

So it began,
His journey across Tamriel.
Searching for a way,
To save his people.

Armor of White,
Spear of the dragon.
He comes to fight,
Those who oppose him.

His only distraction,
A fair maiden.
With lips of ruby,
Hips of curve.

She can ****** anyone,
Then rob their home.
She sneaks within the night.
Only to serve.
Nocturnal the Daedric Goddess of the Dark World.

Evergloom shail it be.
When they cross paths.
Each night they meet...
So goes the Son of Skyrim,
Being tricked.

By the anointing Imperial.
Mother of the Pack.

I was tired of living in the dark. The sun on my skin leaves its mark.
I was tired of leading a double life so I said good bye to Sarana and went Home to my wife.

She took me back without hesitation and no verbal *******. Serana always temps me to the dark side.
I am sorry Serana I will have to let it slide.

The kids are doing well but they do not attend school why do they take me for a fool.

My wife Camila is walking backwards its a glitch in the game that annoys me ever after.

I can start a new game, I mean and leave Camila and the  Children maybe it will be the same.

I choose a new wife and kids.
Or maybe I'll wind up in the skids.

I would have loved to teach you
Chinese chess
And Muay Thai
Or even Brazilian Jiujitsu
Staining the mats
With sweat and stolen caresses
A serious session
That just might transition
From full guard
To full-on French kissing.

We could have watched Oldboy again
Together this time,
Or Glengarry Glen Ross,
My favorite movie.
And you could have shown me
A film major's favorite movies.

We could have tried the tacos
In Chupacabra,
The salmon sashimi in Sugi
(Their fresh sea urchin is the bomb, by the way).
I could even have cooked for you.
My vichyssoise isn't bad.
And you do love potatoes more than your own family.

Kayaking in the south,
Roadtripping all the way north,
Visited the stone houses and the honest folk
Of the northernmost islands.

Held contests
To see who could drink who under the table.
Your weakness is beer,
Mine is soju.
Could have seen who could hold whiskey better. 

I was dead serious too
When I said I was serious
About taking you
To the West Indies and North Africa
For that pilgrimage of yours.

I was prepared to hear what you had to say
About the things you see
The spirits calling to you
The dead dancing like wisps at dusk
Demons chasing you;
Skeptic or not,
I never would have minded you waking me up at 4 AM
To tell me about your latest vision.

Run cigarette companies out of business
Introduced you to my friends and my family
Listened to you sing and
Allowed awe to seize me again and again
Written a hundred poems in praise
And read your requital ones.

Kissed under the stars,
Talked in the dark
On the sand
Until 3 AM,
Exchanging yawns and hugs,
Bumming smokes off of each other
And greeting the sunrise
With a bottle of local moonshine
Bought from the fisherfolk.

Taken you shooting
9mm, .45, even 12 gauge.
Entwine my arms around you
Whisper in your ear
Inhale the cordite in the air and the smell of your skin
Teaching you shot placement
That you're pulling the trigger wrong
And hold your breath a bit and don't flinch.

Played Skyrim and CoD all night long
Yelled ******* at each other
While kicking *** on Tekken
And swapping spit in between rounds.

Made friends with your beagle
And discussed a life together
A dog, a cat, maybe no kids.
Just one, if ever.
Argued over names for the kid.

We had a real connection, too,
But, oh well,
How was I supposed to know
That you were just looking for cheap thrills
For transient pleasure
That the 'connection' was probably just one-way?
Maybe I'm just stupid.

I'll just have to find someone else
To do these things with.
Someone better, smarter, funnier,
But none of your legion of issues
The truckloads of your problems.

Have a nice day.

He loves many things,
Robbaz and skyrim,  
KSP and Dark Souls,
Special K Red Berry with strawberry milk.
Double cheeseburgers with bacon,
Burning things to watch the fire,
Doing well and getting A's,
Movies that are vaguely 80's ish.
South Park, snuggles, and ***.

And maybe. Just maybe, hopefully, possibly, me.

And then a little voice inside me said,
"Maybe you should get out of bed,
Do more drugs
And play Skyrim."

So I did.

From your darkest nightmare,
To your sweetest dreams.
I'm always nearby,
To tear you at your seems.

Wether it be a midnight stroll,
Or a walk down memory lane.
The untold thoughts in wich you avoid,
Gives me existence in this plane.

From eight legged fiends,
To slithering serpents.
Or the disturbing being,
Behind the curtains.

Look out!
My inner demon is free!
And he play's skyrim,
So hide your knees.

I would like to say
That well, I'm bored
Really I should be quite gay
Heck I'm playing as a Nord!

Thing with this game is its quite large
You can swing a sword or fry an Orc
You can hop a barge to places unknown (Solstheim)
Only to fight a bunch of cultists. (Didn't rhyme but I got some serious beef with those guys)

So by now you should know what I'm playing
What else could it be but the best game around
If you don't you should be praying
Because its Skyrim you friggin hound!

Confessions to My Best Friend.
1.I found fireflies in your eyes the first day we met.

2.We both know I am the ugly friend. I will take that title gladly. You are the most beautiful girl in the world, trust me. My memory has spent hours retracing your face trying to recall your voice back to consciousness. I've played it back so many times you sound like a broken record, it doesn't sound right anymore.  

3.I know how perfectly pathetic it is to still consider you my best friend.

4.I know that line sounds like teenage angst, but I promise there is more to this story than that. Give me a moment.

5. You've taught me that everything comes to screeching halt. I have long since given up the idea of our reunion

6.I check, no, stalk your facebook constantly to make sure you’re still happy.  
7. I hate the fact that I have to use the word stalk like some stranger seeking out your profile. I hate that I have to break the rules set by your parents. I hate that I am not allowed to stand by your side anymore. I have memorized the last post before I expose myself to pictures of us.  I know not to scroll back that far. I have perfected the art of protecting myself.

8.I know trying to move on is futile. I have never been fond of being ****** over twice. Fate always seems to switch out my full hand for a loosing one. **** best friends. You know what, **** friends. It’s easier that way. (Excuse my language)

9.My worst fear and biggest hope is that you will forget about our friendship, take our seven years and erase them from your memory. Maybe you will forget about him to.

10.I wish he had ***** me. Now this seems sick and twisted unless you know our backstory. I wish I would have been enough from him. I never said no, ground my teeth in to dust never letting my vocal cords betray me. I prayed that he would stop at me. Your parents blamed me. It’s okay. Your parents are right. I know I could have given him more. No amount of therapy or self-love could ever place the blame somewhere else.  I would have given him anything if he would’ve agreed to contain the destruction and keep the casualties at one. But a war cannot be solely fought with two hands. I wish I could have kept the nightmare to myself. I tried to protect you. If you get anything from this know that I tried.

11.I know you toss and turn at night trying to glue the fractured puzzle pieces back together to fix your broken psyche. I am sorry I am not there to help you glue the pieces back together. I know it would never be perfect but I would pour every ounce of my being into fixing it together.

12.I have written hundreds of poems strictly about you, some of them have won me medals but they always feel forced. I try so desperately to pump life into the lines but only those who know what happened can read between them and get the whole picture. Our friendship feels like a sick inside joke never told. This is the only real poem I have ever written about you. It is not written to sound pretty, not full of clichés and lines that fit together. No. It is as raw as the cuts we’d get from falling off our bikes. It is as raw as cuts on arms. It is as raw as suicide notes. Trust me. I will take the blame for those to.  

13.I have not prayed to God in a year. The last day I saw you was the last day I believed such a being could exist. No amount of church can make the past a brighter place.

14.When you told me I was no longer allowed to talk to you I felt my whole life collapse around me. I cannot rebuild. I cannot move on. I cannot stop the destruction of my sanity, nothing is safe anymore. I am afraid to touch anything in fear that the purity will be corrupted by my hands. I see you everywhere I go, in turquoise, and teal, and rainbows, and storms. I see you in stars, and constellations, and my little ponys, and skyrim, in cancer ribbons, and vampires.

15.I burned the draft of the story we were writing together about vampires and demons. I never got a chance to thank you for helping me come up with a plot and letting me test it on you. Your character drove the book, now I do not dare to pick it up. I know how cliché it was using our friends as characters. I have given up writing it in fear that someone may think I am crazy believing monster exist. I am a failed poet and most certainly a failed author. Break character. Make sure everyone knows that it was just a story, that I am not crazy, just my methods.  

16.I will not deny that I am angry with whoever wrote me into the script as the bad guy. I was never a bad influence on you, you taught me how to cuss, how to fight, how to be myself. I taught you to let go, to be strong, to hold on. I don’t see how our friendship was malignant on your health but as long as you feel better now, I will take my punishment with open arms ready for more.

17.I loved you. I loved you as a sister, as a friend, as my world. I still love you the same. I have a stack of pictures in the hole of my mattress hoping that maybe one day my dreams will come true and I will wake up and this past year will have been a nightmare.

18.Yes, it’s been a year since you blocked me on your Facebook without explanation. And maybe that is the worst part, trying to dream up what I did wrong, where I hurt you, where you stopped caring.

19.I realize that you will never see this poem, but my only hope for relieving this pressure on my chest is to get it out, to make it stop suffocating the life out of me. For the longest time I hoped you were miserable in a life without me. I wanted to know that you hurt half as much as I do. That’s the thing with poets, we have a habit of making everything revolve around us. But this is to us. This is to friendship. This is to staying up until three am to finish this. This is to brighter futures.

20.There is nothing in the world I want more than to be by your side. My existence has feels like the beating pulse behind a bruise without you. This is the last poem I will write. My words cannot paint a better situation, a better ending. I love you, and if you ever need me I am just an add away on Facebook.