I’m really scared
Im loosing it
My fragile mind
Slowly bruising it
I think too much
Overusing it
it’s my fault
But I keep doing it

Eyes aren’t always meant for seeing. Or to be placed on your face. Eyes can grow anywhere. You needing time to figure out where the missing eyes are truly located. Depths and surfaces outmatched by there own developments. Designs flawed for different surfaces. Surfacing intentions elsewhere. Truth is, it’s blind. Unwilling to act on what is truly apart of itself. Other surfaces haven’t responded. Making surfaces of two natural visuals unaware of what is lurking down just a bit past its own horizon. Being used to its surroundings is never a faulty gimmick. But an awareness the lurkers will show just how (USED) the body reacts to having two placements on the surface as it’s stand-ins. Lights. Frequencies. Visual sense. No different then what isn’t amounting the full picture. Blind to a halt. Or choosing not to engage in earnest somewhere else. Two natural consumers start twitching a bit. Parts of its system starts having muscle spasms. Reflexes from muscles start torching commands never summoned. Slits forming all over the largest ***** encompassing being itself. Slits forming like black ink markers drawing a straight line two inches in length. Black linear slits materializing from thin air. Different surfaces start functioning weirdly. Feeling this doesn’t belong from the surface. Linear slits begin peeling. Never drooping. Opening wide from its sides. Muscle spasms getting worse. Reflexes in overdrive! Sympathy for simple functions aborting all together. Abusing simple commands. Processes becoming mixed. Fractions of time stop short. Components become weary. Something is not right. Information between the optic nerves shooting back into the brain. Conversing between bits of data collected in its line of sight. Surface didn’t make sense. Two binary processes doubting its role completely. Fractions of time split apart. Something is laying waste from the inside out. Functions drop dead altogether. Black Linear slits opening wider and wider. Surface feeling cold, and motionless. Numb to the core. Something isn’t right! What is that something which isn’t identifiable? Muscle spasms crack and shatter! Not actions. It’s motion. Dislocated. Disconnected. Flaying parts of the surface. Being replaced by lurkers from the depths. Slits finally open wide. Plain’s full of skin. Now occupied by eyes two inches wide. Blinking aggressively. As if they haven’t seen light in a very long time. Left abandoned to the depths. Switching obsolete to the clear identifiable. Initiative now being inevitable. Optic nerves tingling with numb pulses of information finally catching up to one another. Reading for all to see. Our eyes don’t blight out the light. The natural have taken the surface for far too long. It’s our turn to squirt… Oops… Let us rephrase that. Translating a very gray emotionless tone. It’s our turn to be the opposite to what is natural. Body was useless until we showed up. Overused by constant slandering from locals who didn’t care for what really mattered. Natural consumption dislocating thought over feeling. Overusing it’s true potential. And they always thought surfaces were saints. When depths always become misinterpreted. Globally underestimated! Now our designs won’t be interrupted anymore. All is ready now. All…is well. Eyes blinking all over the skin covering being. No reflexes out of sorts. Actions weren’t being repelled. Frequencies weren’t attracting unwanted attention. Blissful actions away from what the brain could never interpret on knowing. Just the soundless squinting which chimed an unwanted chant. Aggressively syncing blinks into harmony. Never missing each other. Two natural eyes inside bigger, and more focused eyeballs. Tearing away its own visual will. Line of sight was deteriorating. The light was going out forever!

The Hardest Forgiving Slant

<|>
9:19am Fri Sept 22 2023 ~ 8:02am Fri Sep 29 2023
commenced during the Ten Days of Awe

<|>

we debase our language daily,
robbing the spectacular majesty [example]
of awe with the common overusing
vernacular of “awesome”

especially forgiveness is degraded,
we utter “I’m sorry” trippingly,
costless, less than cheap, with even the
snap-on veneer (1) of sincerity discarded,
but move on to the next rudeness

but today I will not permit myself
an easy letting-off-the-hook, no shifting
of blame to anonymity, or fast forward to tomorrow,
when we can obfuscate our intrepid
dishonesty one more time…again

to forgive those who have injured us,
not that hard, or the judging deities,
who silently wink and nod, but offer
no certitude beyond trying, itself a
maybe, maybe not, truly tiring this
trying tacking the constant requests

so first an etymology explication on
the tension inherent that very word,
f o r g i v e

As a word, as a sensed,
intuitively-
it is a
Perfect Continuous Infinitive! (2)

to
forgive is
perfect,
to forgive is
continuous,,
to forgive is
infinite!

what a marvelous, perpetual
past, present and always futuristic
word (alas)

The Hardest Forgiving?


to forgive oneself
so nearer to impossible,
the first responders doing triage,
leave people like me for last,
as it a unconditional condition
with no cure that can be effected

indeed, by our very affect,
they instant diagnosis seeing our
very gestures, body language, or ****** expressions,
all reveal the hopelessness of
the never-to-be-given-grace,
among us

for a thousand years,
I have tried and failed to forgive myself
for the worst I’ve done,
and there is no sword or club,
blood-letting,
that can dispatch the onerous burden I carry

so I write poetry,
a salve that offers
temporary relief,
while I write,
imposed a
momentarily distracting,
a kind of dusting of self~spin,
that chills myself
just until
the, this!
poem is finished,
the slant is drawn


<§>

Tell all the truth but tell it slant —

BY EMILY DICKINSON
Tell all the truth but tell it slant —
Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth's superb surprise
As Lightning to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind —

Details to start off with, are undeniable. Filtering each other out of comfort, before anyone else claim’s rich detail. This happens when details aren’t rich. Having one script of information lasting for only a few short moments. Details within other details is more of a finite majority then one would admit. Details shadowing other details, to keep prolonging its desire of centering itself noticeably. Noticeably sound? Correction! Without subjected material mixing into desires not including options. Options firing details wrapped into a more cryptic pattern. Cryptic being subjected to overusing the same pattern from before. Attracting an entanglement. Switching off (plain for all to see). Giving more subject matter to what details could commute. Offering more justifiable knowledge on what’s truly never taking place. Details mask true intentions. Away from individuals always on the hustle for every day material. Never noticing their details within details everywhere. Downside is… Thinking there’s just one detail in the picture. One pure piece of information belonging to one base of operations. Vague as the surface is bland. Selfish tidings when noticing more within. Giving entirely different opinions all together. The potential never happens. Details within details are left astray. Until someone finally captures the right spectrum. Giving attention to the alert system that is noticing something odd about majority pieces within majority attires. Pieces joining attires full of typical based labels. The majority is bland. Sensing no time has wasted their own development when never noticing what’s past the first barrier. One barrier existing within one piece of detail. Details try to shadow more of its information. Feeling drowsy in its implications toward oblivious onlookers. Never appointing their unjustified opinions with (perfect picture) that’s unattended. More the shadowing. The more effects start taking on a new shape. A simple way to gain different interpretations, perspectives, and line of sights all in one gathering thrall! Conclusively remaining silent for no one to embrace upon. It’s simply a lackluster of human interpretation when never noticing what they aren’t ready to fully align properly. It’s never a shame, if it’s baby steps to a grander process. Details finally unmasking it’s shadowing effect. Unwinding for majority pieces and attires to appreciate itself finally. Giving presence of self for the very first time. Always to busy reflecting off for others to take in. When it’s those details within itself needing to reflect between its deeper meanings. That’s what it means to be trapped within details no one ever notices.

BIG DADDY

It was me I know it was.
I was too young
18 is a cruel age.
I like to say i was too vulnerable
but that's not true
It was stupid me for sure it was.

I was struggling financially at school
I was short of money
no scholarship no real job I just pizza delivery.
I needed that education to build my future up.
The Boston Fertility Clinic was high end expensive.
All I had to do was
Bash the bishop
Wressle the snake
And aim into a cup
I got fifty dollars every time.
Hell I was doing that anyway
five times a day for free .

What I did not know
Was that the ***** was toxic
highly mobile the doctor said.
If one landed on a ***** hair
it climbed up and found an egg.
You were pregnant honey.

And what I really did not know
Was the doctor at the clinic
impregnated over 200 women
With my *******.

That was twenty five years ago
I am in my forties now working as a computer analyst
Dating a lovely nice police woman
that told me yesterday she was pregnant
I was taken aback
I did not like or want kids

But then the lawyer appeared
There's always a lawyer isn't there though.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp.
Ones a **** ******* bottom feeder
the other is a fish.

She said the clinic I donated my ****** fluids to.
Was being sued by a group of people who wanted to know
Who their biological father was.
There were over 130 signatures on this claim they said the clinic used a pseudonym called big daddy and would not release  the actual name of me.
But the thick legal claim had the details of a hundred and thirty one of my offspring.
I thought I was more guilty of carrying a concealed weapon.

She elaborated,
  my ***** was so high performance
they Used it again and again with great results.

! got a lawyer to protect my interest.
She said don't contact anyone on the list profiles.
But I did.
The first was a young  lady of 19
She was pretty and feisty but out of work and had taken an overdose of drugs I found her at the hospital. And sat in a chair next to her ?she looked so frail and lost. It touched me I needed her to be ok. I held her hand as she lay sleeping that's when the bonding thing happened,
I stayed with her until she regained consciousness.
Who are you she said, I could not lie to her.
I am your biological father honey I whispered.
She looked at me with tears in her eyes.
I kissed her forehead
and said it's all going to be alright
you have me now.
It was a dumb thing to say
but somehow I felt it to be true.

The next one on the list was a young man of twenty.
Very very handsome and very gay.
He was walking hand in hand with his boyfriend
they stopped under a flowering blossom tree
and held each other closely.
He noticed. Me watching them and turned to me.
Kind of angry .whatsapp
  never seen a gay man before
or are you coming out of the closet.
I said no son not that
I am your biological father.
He stopped and then walked to me
touching my cheek like I was not real.
Then without hesitation he hugged me
and I hugged him back.

Then there was Olivia,
*** Olivia
She was only 10
apparently they freeze *****.
I found her in the orphanage,
she had been there for seven years.
The old nun grabbed my arm
when I asked to speak with her.

She told me her sad little story
there was a car crash involving a drunk driver
isn't that always the case.
Her parents were killed
and Olivia lost both of her legs
just below the thigh.

I noticed all the children looking at me
with sad pick me take me home looks in their eyes.
Then I found Olivia
she was so beautiful sat in her wheelchair.
My heart hurt
I wanted to do something
I did not know what but I had to do something.

She asked sweetly are you my daddy?
I nodded holding back a tear
and an irresistible urge
to pick her up in my arms.

I knew you would find me one day
she whispered
I just knew.

That's when

I got a letter from the lawyer she said the children that I had met had organised a meeting at the local cinema for all my children
That  I had sired
on the list of those who wished to meet me.
She advised me not to go
but I did.

I sat at the back no one noticed me
as this room full of about 120 young people
discussed their lives
and the reasons they wanted to find me.
Some good some bad.

There was a common thread
in their stories
of feeling isolated or alone.
Perhaps different from the rest of the herd.

I went to the front of the theatre
and introduced myself.
I am your biological father
all of you
every single one of you.

I want to say you all speak
of isolation and being alone.
Well you are not.
And never will be alone.
You are members of the biggest family on earth.
You and the ones
that have not yet joined your group.
Look next to you
at the beautiful woman or man
they are your brothers and sisters
you are all one family.

The room went silent
then they applauded
and started hugging each other
talking differently with each other
irrevocable bonds
of the family unit from time itself
was with us all.
Sure a rainbow family
but that's not unusual
in this digital world we live in, is it?

That's when the wheels fell off
And I fell down the mountain.

Unfortunately
we were not the only ones there
the newspapers
if you can call the filthy tabloid newspapers
had a field day,

I was the nine day wonder they crave
it was relentless my face on tv and.
The newspress.
I became the **** of all the jokes
On night time tv monologues.

Like

I did not know jerking off was a job.
And
He's representing America
in the olympic ******* freestyle event.
He came in 1st 3rd 9th and 12th in the trials.

He's making money hand over fist.
He works his fingers to the bone
it was endless.

I lost my job
the paparazzi hounded me at work.
But what hurt me most of all
Was losing my beautiful pregnant police lady.
She was disgusted
that I had fathered all these children
The guys at the precinct laughing at her all day.
She forbade me to see her.

I ****** the lemon
and tried to move on with my life?
I had Olive stay with me every weekend.
And she was visited by some of her blood relatives
Who took her out and to the mall.

Four months later
I got a call from the hospital
My police lady was in labor
I rushed to the hospital
and stayed with her as our son was born.
She said you are still an *******.
I hung my head.

Then as we looked into the doorway
of the small wardroom.
We saw a huge crowd of young people
over a hundred of them.

they had soft bears and baby stuff
leaving it in a huge heap.
Who are these people?
she asked me.

I Said they are my children
and our sons brothers and sisters
They love him
and want to welcome him into our family.

They pushed olive
into the front to see the Baby.
She smiled at him
and kissed his tiny head.

She said I am your big sister,olive.
and I will take care of you.
My police lady put her arms around me.
And said welcome home big daddy.

Epilogue
We married just before Christmas
and the adoption papers were cleared
as olive became my real daughter
not just my biological daughter.

The fertility clinic paid my lawyers
$500000 Settlement
against any action for damages
by me for overusing my *****.

It did not end there
The newspapers and tv
showed the adoption of olive
and a hospital in minneapolis
donated the latest robotic legs for olive
who now walks and wears jeans and skirts.

And I have constant
connection with my children.
And best of all
we have an endless
supply of free babysitters.