It may have started with a simple “Hello,”
Or maybe even a piece of gum.
But I knew you were someone special,
I just didn’t know there was more to come.

You were loud and cruel,
Oh wait, I mean kind and sweet.
Like a bag of candies,
You were quite a treat.

It was fun seeing you play,
The sport I truly love.
Soccer that is,
Not like anything else can come above.

As time went on,
And years have passed.
You grew into something great,
Something I hope that will last.

You became Jordyn,
And like you said, “I am me.”
“And honey,”
“That’s something you’ll never be.”

—Thomas James Written on August 16, 2011

I am scared!
Scared of this world

Robert Godwin Sr
Alyssa Elsman

How many more have to die?
By my kind,
By their kind,
Because they blame some other kind
What ever happened to just being
kind?

Daniel Parmertor, Russell King, Jr., Demetrius Hewlin

Where were you when the World Trade Center went down?
It’s something everyone alive then will always remember
Never Forget! was our brand motto for American Pride

Krystle Marie Campbell, Lü Lingzi, Martin William Richard, Sean A. Collier, Dennis Simmonds

And now, the death of another is so commonplace
That we forget what and where.
It’s no longer personal enough to register where in our lives that it struck us
Only note that another life has been struck down
Add another tally to the equation
And still it does not add up

Trayvon Martin
Tamir Rice
Samuel DuBose
Delrawn Small
Philando Castile
Terence Crutcher
Heather Heyer

We are completely desensitized
And decentralized
We keep ourselves disconnected
(because we just can’t absorb,
Take,
Process it all)
It’s not us
It’s not me
It’s somebody else
Somewhere else.
Until it is
Then we care
How much can we take, before we break

Cynthia Marie Graham Hurd, Susie Jackson, Ethel Lee Lance, Depayne Middleton Doctor, Clementa C. Pinckney, Tywanza Sanders, Daniel Simmons, Sharonda Coleman Singleton, Myra Thompson

The tragedy is the comedy
We laugh so we don’t cry
Sakia Gunn
Richie Phillips
Nireah Johnson, Brandie Coleman
Glenn Kopitske
Scotty Joe Weaver
Jason Gage
Michael Sandy
Sean William Kennedy
Duanna Johnson
Lawrence "Larry" King
Angie Zapata
Lateisha Green
****** August Provost, III
Mark Carson

I can’t say I’ve never thought of committing violence.
Hell, when my ex-wife cheated, it occurred to me
And I can’t say that I have never hit another
I’ve been a kid
My whole life is designed just to grow up
But, I’ve thought of killing myself far more often than the thought to harm anyone else have ever occurred to me
Because my problems are mine;
My fault,
And I am not seeking some scapegoat

Keenya Cook, Jerry Taylor, Million A. Woldemariam, Claudine Parker, Hong Im Ballenge, James Martin, James L. Buchanan, Premkumar Walekar, Sarah Ramos, Lori Ann Lewis-Rivera, Pascal Charlot, Dean Harold Meyers, Kenneth Bridges, Linda Franklin née Moore, Jeffrey Hopper, Conrad Johnson, 1 unnamed victim

I am not going to deny that being a white male hasn’t allowed me to sidestep a whole level of *******
One day, angry white males will be the minority
And we’ll have no one left to blame, but ourselves.
If we don’t **** everyone first
If we don’t **** ourselves first

Michael Arnold, Martin Bodrog, Arthur Daniels, Sylvia Frasier, Kathy Gaarde, John Roger Johnson, Mary Francis Knight, Frank Kohler, Vishnu Pandit, Kenneth Bernard Proctor, Gerald Read, Richard Michael Ridgell

Jonathan Blunk, Alexander J. Boik , Jesse Childress, Gordon Cowden,
Jessica Ghawi, John Larimer, Matt McQuinn, Micayla Medek, Veronica Moser Sullivan, Alex Sullivan, Alexander C. Teves, Rebecca Wingo

The earth has already decided that we are a plague upon it
Maybe climate change is the natural response to the abuse of our gifts

Nancy Lanza, Rachel D'Avino, Dawn Hochsprung, Anne Marie Murphy,
Lauren Rousseau, Mary Sherlach, Victoria Leigh Soto, Charlotte Bacon, Daniel Barden, Olivia Engel, Josephine Gay, Dylan Hockley, Madeleine Hsu, Catherine Hubbard, Chase Kowalski, Jesse Lewis, Ana Márquez Greene, James Mattioli, Grace McDonnell, Emilie Parker, Jack Pinto, Noah Pozner, Caroline Previdi, Jessica Rekos, Avielle Richman, Benjamin Wheeler, Allison Wyatt

What is this world going to teach my son?
That he’s better because of how he looks?
Or what I’ve taught him:
You make yourself better.

Jamie Bishop, Jocelyne Couture Nowak, Kevin Granata, Liviu Librescu,  P
G. V. Loganathan, Ross Alameddine, Brian Bluhm, Ryan Clark, Austin Cloyd, Daniel Perez Cueva, Matthew Gwaltney, Caitlin Hammaren, Jeremy Herbstritt, Rachael Hill, Emily Hilscher, Matthew La Porte, Jarrett Lane, Henry Lee, Partahi Lumbantoruan, Lauren McCain, Daniel O'Neil, Juan Ortiz, Minal Panchal, Erin Peterson, Michael Pohle Jr., Julia Pryde, Mary Karen Read, Reema Samaha, Waleed Shaalan, Leslie Sherman, Maxine Turner, Nicole White

I work as a data analyst
So, I ran the numbers
But, these are more than numbers
These are people: sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, friends, lovers.

Stanley Almodovar III, Amanda Alvear, Oscar A. Aracena Montero, Rodolfo Ayala Ayala, Alejandro Barrios Martinez, Martin Benitez Torres, Antonio D. Brown, Darryl R. Burt II, Jonathan A. Camuy Vega, Angel L. Candelario Padro, Simon A. Carrillo Fernandez, Juan Chevez Martinez, Luis D. Conde, Cory J. Connell, Tevin E. Crosby, Franky J. DeJesus Velazquez, Deonka D. Drayton, Mercedez M. Flores, Juan R. Guerrero, Peter O. Gonzalez Cruz, Paul T. Henry, Frank Hernandez, Miguel A. Honorato, Javier Jorge Reyes, Jason B. Josaphat, Eddie J. Justice, Anthony L. Laureano Disla, Christopher A. Leinonen, Brenda L. Marquez McCool, Jean C. Mendez Perez, Akyra Monet Murray, Kimberly Morris, Jean C. Nives Rodriguez, Luis O. Ocasio Capo, Geraldo A. Ortiz Jimenez, Eric I. Ortiz Rivera, Joel Rayon Paniagua, Enrique L. Rios Jr., Juan P. Rivera Velazquez, Yilmary Rodriguez Solivan, Christopher J. Sanfeliz, Xavier E. Serrano Rosado, Gilberto R. Silva Menendez, Edward Sotomayor Jr., Shane E. Tomlinson, Leroy Valentin Fernandez, Luis S. Vielma, Luis D. Wilson Leon, Jerald A. Wright

I did research to try to find all the victims since I became abruptly aware 16 years ago
There are too many
I could not discover a single database that contained a comprehensive record
No one can keep track of it anymore
I know I’ve missed people
I know there are 1000’s of people now missing people
Even 1 was too much

Hannah Ahlers, Heather Alvarado, Dorene Anderson, Carrie Barnette, Jack Beaton, Steve Berger, Candice Bowers, Denise Salmon Burditus, Sandra Casey, Andrea Castilla, Denise Cohen, Austin Davis, Virginia Day Jr, Christiana Duarte, Stacee Etcheber, Brian Fraser, Keri Galvan,  Dana Gardner, Angela Gomez, Rocio Guillen Rocha, Charleston Hartfield,  Chris Hazencomb, Jennifer Irvine, Nicol Kimura, Jessica Klymchuk, Carly Kreibaum, Rhonda LeRocque, Victor Link, Jordan McIldoon, Kelsey Meadows, Calla Medig, James ‘Sonny’ Melton, Pati Mestas, Austin Meyer, Adrian Murfitt, Rachael Parker, Jennifer Parks, Carrie Parsons, Lisa Patterson,  John Phippen, Melissa Ramirez, Jordyn Rivera, Quinton Robbins, Cameron Robinson, Lisa Romero Muniz, Christopher Roybal, Brett Schwanbeck, Bailey Schweitzer, Laura Shipp, Erick Silva, Susan Smith, Tara Roe Smith, Brennan Stewart, Derrick ‘Bo’ Taylor, Neysa Tonks, Michelle Vo, Kurt Von Tillow, Bill Wolfe Jr.

and NOW I’ve run out of lines and time to read off all 2,977 people who died in 9-11
Isn’t that a tragedy?

If
You were not taken
I would take you
To the smallest parts
Of me
And place my hands
Over your heart
And tell you
(Once)
That you may have left
But you never left me
And I,
Never you

Khloe.
You've got the sweetest smile I have ever seen.
You have blond hair like I did when I was 2.
You have the bluest eyes in the whole world, and I hope they stay that way.
I want you to know that you look more like I do than the rest
of your siblings.
Your mom told me once that you'll never
be as pretty as Kendal or Kaylie,
because you look more like dad and I.
You're so shy, and timid.
That's not a bad thing; it means you wont get into very much trouble.
For how much your mom calls you stupid,
you're actually pretty smart for a two year old.
You get your brains from me.
You're beautiful.
You'll always be beautiful to me.
Be proud of who you are, little sister.
I want you to know that I love you, and I will always love you
with all of my heart.
I don't know when I'll see you again.
Your mom and dad made it pretty clear that I am not a part of the Downey family anymore.
And if that remains true,
maybe someone will tell you that not one of your
sisters love you like I do.
I'm gonna miss you out here, Khloe.
I hope that when you're older you'll remember me and find me.
That you wont be mad that I missed out on so many
years of your life.
I hope that when you're ready, or if you even want to,
you'll come find me and then we'll talk.
But for now, I have to keep my distance from your family.
So I wont be seeing you at all.
And it's extremely painful and my heart breaks a little more everyday.
But I know that it's for the best for me and maybe even for you.
Who am I kidding? It's what's best for your mom,
but we wont tell her that.
I love you, little sister.
I hope to see you sooner rather than later.
Love,
Your oldest sister, Jordyn.

When I was three I thought there were monsters in my closet and under my bed
When I was three I had a dog and a dad, mom and brother who I loved and who loved me back

When I was six the monsters were no longer in my closet or under my bed
For now they were at the side of my bed in the crack between mattress and wall
When I was six my dog died and I cried for many many nights
My dad would yell and hit not only me but mostly my brother
My mom still loved him, my brother and me and I loved her and my brother

When I was eight we moved to a new town and now the monsters in the cracks had started talking to me and whispering sweet truth
When I was eight my dad no longer worked and now stayed at home
My mom worked two jobs and wasn’t there for me when I cried
If she was there when he hit us or yelled she would sit and watch in painful silence as warm tears cascaded our cheeks
My brother tried to do his best to be strong and nice but sometimes he would start fights
I wasn’t sure who my dad loved anymore if he loved anyone at all
My mom loved my dad, my brother and me
And I loved my brother and the cat we now had who adopted our family

When I was nine I started telling myself the demons were whispering lies
When I was nine my dad finally told me he loved me one night
But not in the way I thought he meant
So I thought everything would be alright
My mom now worked more hours and was barely home
My brother still tried his best but played with me less
My dad loved me, or so I thought
My mom loved my dad, my brother, me and our cat
I loved them all for that short little while

When I was ten the monsters were no longer just at the side of my bed, for now they were also in my head
When I was ten I realized what my dad did was wrong
School was now my favourite place even though I had no friends and the teachers weren’t fond of me
When I was ten I started to hurt myself in places no one would notice, for it was my only sweet relief in a life of horror and chaos
My dad now yelled and hit more but that was nothing compared to the showers and poisonous nights
My mom was barely home but if she got home soon enough, would bring us treats
I didn’t know how my brother was or how hard he was trying to be strong for I no longer cared very much
My cat or so I liked to call her was the only one who I thought loved me
My dad was heartless and a walking lie so I didn’t know if he was capable of love
My mom loved my dad, my brother, me and our cat
I loved the cat and all animals for I no longer knew how to love a person

When I was eleven I thought love was touch so I did things I shouldn’t

When I was twelve the demons were now only in my head
My dad still touched me and poisoned my mind
So much happened when I was twelve I can’t even begin to describe
My mom was now tired more often than not
I never showed anyone the real me for I was scared to let them see the broken girl I had come to be
I no longer accepted hugs and pushed everyone away eventually
My mom loved my dad, my brother, the cat, the dog we now owned and me
I loved nothing and no one for now I was too broke

Let’s skip a few years and lots of tears until we end up here at fourteen where I am now
I no longer live at home but with a friend
I still cut but less often for I am trying to stop
I don’t eat very much because I don’t like my body
My dad is dead to me
My mom is still with him and so is my brother
My mom loves my dad, my brother, the dog and me
No longer the cat cause she left not too long after me
I love shiloh and jordyn but I don’t yet love me
For I have been too scared throughout my ages.

Landin.
Hey little man.
When you were born, my mom wouldn't drive me out to the hospital to see you.
I was so excited to see you I could hardly sleep.
You were the tiniest baby I had ever seen (and the cutest with those dimples of yours).
I was so proud to have a little brother, and not be
an only child on my dads side of the family.
You were my blood. Well, half of my blood anyway.
When I held you for the first time, I was so scared that I had to sit
down because I didn't want to break you.
When your mom, dad, and I brought you home,
we introduced you to our dogs Remi and JJ.
JJ was immediately protective over you. She loved you, ******.
One night, your mom asked me to watch you while
she and dad ran some errands.
I said it was fine, and that of course I didn't mind.
You fell asleep with your head buried in my neck
curled up in my arms.
You were only two weeks old then.
I watched you grow from two weeks to six months, to a year, to three years old.
I watched you figure out how to count to three.
How to crawl.
I watched you take your first step.
I watched you fall.
Every night I would silently tell you I love you, because you were my whole world.
Soon enough, after your sister was born, your mom
started taking me for granted.
Soon enough, you were with me every single day. Sometimes even at night.
I'd rock you to sleep when you were scared.
I'd build you a fort out of blankets and chairs when you were bored.
I'd take you for walks when your mom and dad were fighting
because you'd be crying so hard.
That must have been very scary for you and Khloe both.
I'm sorry that you have to live that life;
Of watching your parents fight and yell and scream
at each other instead of loving each other like they're supposed to.
I hope you'll remember me, little brother.
Your mom and dad made it clear that I am not going to be
a part of your life or Khloe's life.
That pain is unimaginable.
I hope that when you grow up you'll become curious and find me.
I love you so much, Landin.
You have absolutely no idea how much I love you.
If you ever need anything, someone will tell you
where I am, what my number is... My address.
She will tell you, and I will be here for you.
Goodbye for now, little brother.
Love,
Your biggest (and most favorite) sister, Jordyn,

Annoying,
Just one of the ways to describe you,
Don’t get me wrong,
I’m just telling the truth.

You can also be funny or cute,
Or maybe even nice,
Well that’s just how I see it,
Don’t blame me, I’m just a guy.

Let’s not get off topic,
Im here to write about a girl,
A girl who’s fierce and joyful,
Someone who can rock anyone’s world.

The first time I met you,
I knew you were going to be a problem,
You just kept on talking and talking,
And sounded like you had your own anthem.

Not only were you a problem,
You were once trouble too,
Now she became best friends with this other girl,
Double trouble, now were doomed!

But later I knew something has changed,
You grew up a little and became more mature,
That made me happy,
You were growing up to something pure.

I’m just happy to be a part of it,
Seeing you grow,
It gives me joy inside,
To be someone you know.

Well this poem is to you,
Miss “I love soccer and friends,”
And “Just ask to know more about me,”
I hate you, but you’re friends with Jordyn.

—Thomas James Written on October 08, 2011

Frantically, I search my room for any utensil with a flat head. I grasp a pair of scissors and slide onto the floor where I grab the pencil sharpener, hold the scissors to the *****, and twirl them in my trembling hands. Over and over again I try to pry the razor free. Finally it comes loose, I clench it and take it to the bathroom to clean it. I anxiously walk back to my room running my finger over the blade to determine its worthiness. Worthiness. Worth. I flip it back and forth between my thumb and first finger, watching the silver catch the light and flicker. I slouch in my floor and slide a magazine under my leg in case any blood drips. My hands shake uncontrollably, my head spins and I feel sick to my stomach. Close to my knee cap or farther up? I can’t decide. I flick my lower thigh, then upper, lower and upper again. I decide lower for less pain. With all of my might I slide the shiny blade across my skin. My pure, innocent, previously scar absent skin. I grit my teeth with the excruciating pain, I look down, merely a scratch. The razor was too dull. Tears in my eyes, upset and frustrated I go again and again, it was like a frenzy. I was aiming for the same spot but occasionally missing. I see blood drawl. A huge weight is lifted from my chest
​Depression is a mood disorder I’ve been dealing with for about two years, now. Depression is like a shadow, it follows you everywhere, but it’s not always visible. Over time you learn your masks. One mask is the person you wish you were: happy, always laughing and smiling, encouraging, and convincing everyone that everything is perfect. Your other mask is your real self. The person you hide from everyone: despondent, lonely, beating yourself up, crying yourself to sleep and convincing yourself you’re incapacitated. It’s like a deep dark hole. You can escape if you want, but everywhere you look there’s no light, no end to the terror. I have no motivation to involve myself in anything except school because if I do make it out alive, I will use all of this to help other people. Fatigue, difficulty concentrating, or remember anything, feelings of emptiness and anxiousness, loss of interest in almost everything, feelings of hopelessness, restlessness, and excessive sleeping, are symptoms I handle on a daily basis.
​For years my mom has pushed me to be perfect; perfect skin, perfect body, perfect athlete, perfect student, perfect daughter, and for years I have worked to be this for her. The harder I try, the farther away I am from being what she wants and more distant from the person I truly am. Not to mention, all the others around me who take advantage of my caring nature. People after people stroll through my life and when they walk out they leave my dumbfounded, questioning what I did wrong and where I messed up. Where did I ***** up? What is so wrong with me that I’m either being molded into perfection or being abandoned? People always say “What doesn’t **** you makes you stronger,” and I highly disagree. What doesn’t **** you does **** you-slowly-like Aconite leaves. What doesn’t **** you makes you emotionally and mentally exhausted, drained, and corrupted.
​I truly do care for everyone and their feelings and I never want to hurt others or let anyone hurt them or feel any less or see themselves any less than what they are-beautiful, perfect people-but I have taught myself to feel little to no emotion for others. I am numb inside and out. It’s like I do not exist. I am a ghost, floating through this life, being used, abused, and left for dead. Maybe this is what has led me to hurting myself. Everything piles up and you can only take so much. He might be the only reason why I didn’t lose my mind any sooner. He kept me sane and happy. But when he left I was numb of emotions again, in every place. Every place but one was numb. The one place that was not numb was the place he touched me the most. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. He touched me in the deepest depths of my heart and the darkest most disturbed places in my head. He left all of his fingerprints in my mind so every morning I dust off my mind and find them. They linger there from the dreams of the night before, where his love haunted me. The pain spreads from my heart through my veins to my bones. I’m weak and hopeless. Maybe that’s why I hurt myself. I want to feel the ways he hurt me over and over again and imagine him sitting beside me. He would kiss my legs and put my head on his chest while I cry and pull on his shirt and tell him to never leave me again. Maybe, I look for a way to mask the pain that lurks on the inside of me. It scratches at my heart, beats on the inside of my rib cages and causes hot tears to sting and run down my cheeks. I look for a way to mask the inside pain. I want to see the scars-which hide on the inside-surface. I want-I need-help. I’m not okay, mentally, emotionally, physically. I am not right. My mind is messed up. Depression is tearing me apart piece by piece. It ***** the life right out, leaving me lifeless, curled up in a ball, my mind blank and my body scarred inside out. I’m losing others over all of my psychological problems. I’m mentally corrupted. I see and hear things that are not real, that do not really happen. They scare me, and haunt me. All of the voices are unfamiliar except one, and that is his. I hear his voice whispering my name in my ear. I lay in bed and I imagine him lying next to me. I feel empty and lonely. I miss his voice, the way he would say “good morning,” and “I love you,” but my very favorite word to hear was my own name. “Jordyn,” rolls off his tongue and sends chills down my spine and a smile across my cheeks. Bringing him into my life for 7 months was the best and worst decision I’ve ever made.

hey don't look
at the injustice
poverty
death
the wails
help they cry
but hey
look
tristan is cheating on Khloe with Jordyn
isn't that interesting
hey don't look
over there
where we do awful things
you don't want to see that?
do you?
here's a new dance challenge try it
*** look at what she's wearing
that's right
arent these shiny things so pretty
you dont need to care about that yucky stuff
just stay here
trapped in your little bubble
until we no longer need you
isn't it easier?
to pretend
everything's ok