Older, but not by much,
we always grated, girlfriends
too close for , both our comfort.
Older now, the pair of us,
Chinese takeaway, beer, of course,
we are used to the quirks;
the personality rubs.
The uniqueness that is ours.

For years it's been my  defense my escape and my prison
all in one.
It's a drug I can and will never kick.
I wield it as a wepon sharper than any razor none
could ever hold.

But it's a love hate relationship twisted in it's
lack of perfection  harsh edges none can
understand but I.

But in it I find isolation in others happiness I find
none of my own and like any drug its high slowly drains you
yet no matter your best efforts to escape it your always
a ****** after that fix.

I've taken to the stage as easy as breathing
and found it simple to draw there laughter.
Happiness is a splendid vice i deal it often yet
In jokes we show are fears  are weakness is on display
for the mocking of others.

Why do I struggle with masks when my own face is but a stranger
to me?
From the stage im the fool by apearence yet I control
every thought  a craftsman  in laughter  my job
i understand better than any other.

Yet I yern to be more than a teller of jokes.
It's to easy at times not that I want to seem
like a ego mainac  but my job I know well.

Often we see the comedians but seldom do we see the misreble
******* behind the jokes.
Maybe were madmen lunatics in a asylum
so happily on display.

The laughter is the comfort and for a moment it heals.
You feel it like a drug it it flows through your veins.
You take people outta there misery if only for a second
and thats the reward there happines is but my gold in thought.

But any role can become a trap.
For no one cares to hear a fools thought.
So you drown in other vices make light of your ******* up past.

And with any  exceptance in life it changes you.
People treat you diffrent for they see the act not the person.
Soon you cant even see yourself anymore.

Relationships turn sour.
Welcome strangers  who thirst for fun replace friends
And the more you succeed the further away you become.

So you drown in ***** or dose in pills  
Share moments you can barely recall.
Hide behind dark glasse's talk to women who claim
to want a glimpse but you both are just junkies
yerning for that fix.

But to be close if only for a moment is a
bitter sweet  dream cast on a nightmares
wing.

But there's always someone who can see past your *******.
but no matter how strong the love the stage and the laughter
are a poisen few can survive.

For how can you love the man who lives a double life?
Who's loved by many and understood by few if
even himself.

Everytime I get up there it's a sacrfice a road ive choosen
with no set reward.
My love for one can never match the  love of many.

It's more than joke ,Im more than a comedian,
Yet im less off a person after the lights fade.
Nothing can match that fix of the stage.

Pain ,Isolation the loss of yourself  and everyone you ever
cared for  thoose my friends are the setbacks of humor.

It was in the summer we crashed  in a wreck of  awkward bodies.
Two drifters lost,
Togather found  a demented teenage passion.

Two junkies clean in a *****  thought.
A outcast a ***** far from labels in a rejects refuge.
Runaways stumbling in a confussed state.

We fixed only to share a sweet addiction her lips
still tatse a bitter sweet strawberry in my thoughts
erased I wonder did she ever know?

Broken wings tattred  love isnt always true.
Many can have the flesh few a womans soul.
The rain did keep a steady rythm in that abandoned car.

Tracks the needle  kisses of exceptance thirst we all
shall in time.
But that is but a watercolor  cast eternal
within the vault of my mind.

Held for moment I wonder did you fade cold.
As the epitapth  draws blood  from thought.
I can only ******* past  as you speak gentle in the harshness
of what was then a nightmare of  a love i relize now.

Sometimes  such treasure's are cast aside.
Lost souls embers of emptyness from this city.
And the backseat from which we did confide.

And if the lines did ever connect and i found you again.
fragments would recall togther it wouldnt  know
the truth of my minds lie.

I hold you in thoughts as once i did in arms.
  

I wonder  if only for a moment if you ever knew.
In the ****** up  backdrop you were the
one that knew me best.
A jokers thought addicts  in  nights gentle
dream.

Goodbye honey maybe now you can finally
the peace you so do desserve.

Im so ******* tired it pains  me to dream
of a promise of tommorow.
The past held moments  Im a dreamer without vision.

A mud puddle reflecting many thought's *******
up and so very unclear.
The bottle's company my only true friend.

They see me as nothing but a fool.
I hate the prison  that has become
my soul.
The state fair trinket broken hearts
and cotton candy.  
A fargone memory in the lifeless
air.

I could play the role or act the *******
Ive slowley become.
Pull the trigger and paint the legend.
Free the fool and cast the sunset of my days.

But im addicted to there praise.
Slave to exceptance  losser to the big win.
Have the courage to show your face.

Goodbye for now .

False sense and even more hopless logic.
The meak bleed the dream and the truth exists for the chosen .

Weaknes is a sin and in the darkness he awaits to embrace .
Shunned like you my child why seek exceptance when the cruel torment
And the so called wicked remain silent inspite there action's?

Part of my soul is never anothers to consume i made these steps alone dont give credit to none that have aided your efforts .

Embrace your desires burn in the flames of want and be truthful while others exist within there lies .

The wind holds more truths for it breathes life were hope only lends to help the weak remain.

Never seek acceptance .
The embrace awaits those not blind within heart.

Do not follow and you will never be led astray.
Truth is always the first victim to fear .

Bleed only for your own existance .
I bare no message to the ignorant .
Just a simple slap to the face harder than you may give to me.

Right your own rules before you become a fool for anothers .


Whispers in shadows .

He was as lonesome as a cemetery.
And far more empty than any barren field.

In your time nobody will recognize your genius till its flame has long since been extinguished.

Nobody sought out to be a legend they simply put one foot in front of the other in hopes just to get through as ****** as me or you.

He never knew exceptance and most thought him a outcast.
That ******* in the mirror was a stranger to even I.

Who am I
People say
While hours slip
Into days
We ignore ourselves
Time wastes away
Change is left
In the cold to lay
Money madness pain and sorrow
Crash on us quickly
Much like tomorrow.  
On the outside, we are clean
But on the inside, full of dream
Exceptance blocks us
from ourselves
Unable to unleash
What can be held

I am no longer a slave to fear,
I suffered and struggled,
but all was lefted higher
when I let you cary me
through the fire.

I gathered my well
I built my wall’s stronger
all in your name,
I gave you all of my strife
and excepted my life.

I lived as life pushed on
harder, as is your well
and your desire.

You gave me kindling
to build my fire,
allowing my flame
to grow higher.

I have just one desire,
to live for you
and grow until
I can’t grow any higher.

You are my hope and dreams,
you bring me to my knees,
not in vain but for
strangth and exceptance.

Aman

**© 2017 By Amanda Shelton

I am a girl lost inside herself

Drowning in my thoughts
held down by my worries
paralyzed by my fears

I am a girl who searches for life long connections in dark and cold places
a unbalanced combination of sugar and spice with a hint of anxiety and notes of don't touch Me I'm self conscious

I look for meaning in words left unsaid and misdirected affections which almost always leave me lonelier that before

My rare moments of bravery overshadowed by self proclaimed failures and regrets I am too tired to carry anymore

I am a girl lost inside herself found floating on the hopes of tomorrow
I am worried about the future and wonder if self exceptance is on the horizon
I wonder if I will have children and if I will raise them right
I wonder if one day I will feel pride in my body
I wonder if I will be okay on my own
I wonder what tomorrow holds

I am a girl who struggles with how much is enough and what is too much
Lost in my dreams and what it means to live a full life

Thoughts defining actions
Wishes defining thoughts
I am a girl lost inside herself