insanity isn't beautiful
insanity isn't poetic
insanity isn't heartless
insanity isn't optional

the core of your being
slowly disintegrating into a continous abyss
is not dainty or flowery or romantic
it is pain and suffocation
it is not glass bottles of pills
or poems by willowy girls

insanity is staring with eyes glazed
and it is thoughts and thoughts and thoughts
it is not a choice
or wanting to be the devil
it is disgusting and burdening
it is not knives or guns
or ****** sprees

i know what they did to you
i know you still hurt
i know you're losing it
i'm losing it too
and i'm the only one
who knows what you feel
and i'm the only one
who will be there for you

my lungs are filling
seawater is pouring down my throat
bitter and cold
and like waves
memories flood back in
screaming and thudding
hiding my face in my pillow
rain on my window
like the tears on my cheeks
from numb ears
after the screams
mother, father, son
you can't see the cracks
they hide but they are still there
just don't talk about the cracks

it hurts
forcing myself to move on
to another who will never love me
i don't know what hurts more,
missing you or loving him?

i want you to know
i loved you
and it's okay
because he will take care of me
even if he doesn't love me
the way i love him
and he will never be you
and you will never be him
but i will love fading memories
of you
while i hopelessly love him

a cold ache
radiating from my hollow chest

i was told to hate you
i was told that what we were
was disgusting
i was told that you were repulsive

that was months ago
and months ago
i told you i hated you
i hated us
we were disgusting

but it was a lie
and now i am missing you
i miss what we were
i miss your words

my chest is weak and heaving
each breath
more exhausting than the last
i can't breath without you

i'll keep speaking
even if it's a whisper too soft
like screaming my thoughts
when i'm alone

and i'll keep writing
even if no one reads my poetry
and nobody likes it
because it's honest and ugly

and i'll keep thinking
even if i can't form words
out of my head
except in the dark

love, do you see like me?
the glass we look through
is it the same?
look around like few do
do you care
how curtains look in the dark?
can you feel the air?

love, see like me
can you see the wind?
if you try you can see
waves and wakes
have you ever looked at the moon?
have you seen the pages of an old book?
look at me, my love
see like me