a small baby blue room,
hanging christmas lights all aglow 
windows swirl with patterns of ice
cold, frost. snow outside
but inside, 
we are one.
lost, hidden by blankets 
legs intertwined and my arms thrown around your neck

  the buzz of the heater keeping me up all of last night
but tonight I drift away so quickly, 
like a child asleep in your arms
but I awake,
because I miss you 
and I want to be with you.
the radio is ours
and every song on it reminds me of you 
somehow ours eyes meet, 
and it doesn't make us awkward
or shy 
or embarrassed 
because it's just us and our glances, and we aren't judgmental people
  
   so I let you stare 
because I want to stare too
because you have so much 
a story inside those eyes
music in the background, 
   abruptly we pause, 
just to listen for a moment 
only a moment, 
and it passes; it was lovely

    I press myself closer, 
because I want to share your warmth 
I kiss you, 

   because I love you 
and it comes naturally
as easy as breathing 
only easier 

so I guess we lay here, 
because we don't have the heart to move, and I won't let you 

     because I'm happy
and I think, 
I think I like being
                                happy

at first i did not realize what you meant when you said 'i love you'.
i thought you'd said it because you knew just how vulnerable i was to you.
you knew what i felt was real. but what you did wasn't
you were hiding behind a mirror that only reflected the love i had for you.
the things that weren't really there.
i did love you
i shouldn't have
but i do not regret kissing you that night under the lamppost
and i do not regret staying in my room all day long with you
but i do regret that first kiss
by the ball field
the night you vowed you would never stop loving me. the night that i was truly undoubtedly beautiful to you
i felt that.
but now i feel nothing for you.
you were the closest thing I've felt to true love and definetly the closest to heartbreak.
for months i couldn't breathe
my eyes were the red of blood
my checks were puffy as clouds
my skin was salty and id lost all passion for mascara because it only seemed to run down my face within minutes of applying it.
i laid in bed nearly all day
i couldn't move or speak
you had shattered me
and here i am
being you're friend
watching you kiss her
watching you hold her hand and watching you love her.
but i don't feel pain anymore.
i feel something worse
i feel empty

Were all looking
                For the thing to fill the void

But nothing pleases us
Because we are human
  And we want everything
    We want the moon; and the stars too

But some of us are unfortunately unfortunate
And you.
You have all that you need
But you don't want it; or anything

     Because your smart
              And the world doesn't fool you

its funny to think that this time
last year
you were nothing but a stranger
and now im here curled up in your arms like child
i never could have guessed that i would fall in love with your laugh
or your smile; or every single thing about you
last year i never stopped to think that i would be the one to fall for the colours of your autumn eyes
but now i stand here; wrapping my arms around you
breathing in your breathe and kissing your lips
but this time
last year
i had nobody but myself
and now im cuddled up against your chest listening to the lullaby of your heartbeat.
breathing in your scent of warm chai tea and summer
but last year i was alone
look at us; strangers who found each other in the course of 24 hours
and last year
i wouldnt have stopped to talk with you
its funny how much can change in just 365 days.

there was a time, about four months ago, when i tried to take my life. i havent told you about it because im terrified of what you might think of me. and that is the last thing i can handle right now, your feelings changing. but i know that if you knew, that you could save me. though what i have realized is that i dont need saving. i can be my own ******* savior, i can fix me all by myself. because i have grown so strong in those four months. i have felt loss, the loss of the two people i loved too much. i have felt as my family was slowly ripped apart, and there was nothing i could do. i have felt the heartbreak of the person i trusted more than anyone on this planet earth. i have felt the pain of watching my beautiful cousin sent to prison for the color of his skin.
  but through that, i have felt love. your love. the most consuming and powerful love that i have felt in a while. because while i suffered through the storms of depression and heartbreak, you brought me back. you held my hand, and for what felt like the first time, you did not let go. you gave me a chance. and despite the claustrophobia of being held a prisoner to my past, i trusted you. and i never trust easily. ive been hurt. ive trusted and ive been betrayed. but ive grown, and ive learned to not make the same mistakes that i have made. ive learned to trust people who can make me smile, the people who trust me. and ive learned to love the people that see past the scars on my wrist, the people who love me for who i am.
  and i will never go back to who i was before. because if i have learned anything these past four months, ive learned that time is limited. and what is life if it is not to make mistakes, to learn, to get hurt, to watch every sunset, to get your heartbroken, to love, to write about why his smile is your favorite, to scream and cry. to make mistakes over and over, because you will get through it. you will be stronger because of everything that you endure. you will survive. and sometimes life seems pointless, but you will find your purpose, even if it takes a heartbreak or a loss to find it. you belong here on this earth. and even when you dont know it, you are stronger than this.