There are three types of heartaches

Heartache #1
The heartache where you were never loved back.
He’d look at you and smile but you know the sparkle in his eyes isn’t because of you.
He’ll hug you goodbye but you can smell the scent of her perfume as you snuggle your head into his neck.
He would turn away and you’d look at him as if he was the most celestial being you’ll ever see and you’ll remember, the way you look at him, is the way he looks at her.

Heartache #2
The heartache where you strive to make their life a living hell.
You’ll break his heart and realise when it’s too late that you’ve broken yours in the process as well.
So while he is sitting next to you because he has no other choice, you hum the song that he dedicated to you just loud enough for him to hear, and you’ll know it’s driving him mad.
And you’ll wear the shirt he said he loved on you as you pretend to run into him, whether it’s walking casually in the hallway or chatting with someone who happens to be right near his locker.
You’ll find a new boy to smile and laugh with and you’ll know he is in the distance watching, remembering how he used to be the one that got that smile out of you.

Heartache #3
The heartache that never goes away.
The one with the mesmerising blue eyes and smug smile that could devour your soul in a heartbeat.
It’s the restless nights of talking about all your fears, dreams, insecurities; everything that makes you, you.
It’s the way you let yourself be vulnerable as he touched your naked skin.
He’ll hold your hand and make promises he never intended to keep.
He’ll make you believe every word he says is true.
He’ll make you see that planting flowers in your lungs is so much better than destroying yourself.
But he’ll fail to tell you that once those flowers die, you wont be able to breathe.

When we first kissed I felt my stomach turn to mush.
I smiled as we pulled away and you stared into my eyes as if I was the only one you've ever loved.

After awhile, whenever I kissed you, I could taste the oil of the vape pen that also danced upon your lips.
My eyes would flutter open slowly as your poisoned fingers rubbed under my chin as if you were decoding a secret written in braille.

Now when we kiss it's lustful.
Your lips meet mine in a rough punch.
As if you're looking for something more.
And I can't help but feel that maybe you're trying to find her in me.
That maybe you're falling for her and losing touch with me.
And now, as I'm kissing you, I want to be released from the shield of loneliness you have given to me.

You flash me that smirk I know way too well.
One that I have tried to shield myself from but have failed miserably.

I thought avoiding you was moving on.
I thought being with someone else was moving on.

But when you walked back into my life and decided to tell me you miss me, I was reeled back in.

Your voice, your laugh, the colour of your eyes, the prominent shape of your jawline; they were all my thoughts could circle.
Everything I thought I had forgotten about you came in and drowned me, reminding me of all the suppressed feelings I tried not to show.

You were my temptations.
And a hug turned into begging for a kiss.
And begging for a kiss turned into explaining I had a boyfriend.
And explaining I had a boyfriend turned into wondering, if it really came down to it, who would I choose?

But then my brain starts to kick in and tell me no.
It tells me what could have been.
What should have been.
What wouldn't have been.

I care too much.
I really do.
I care about
you
and her
and him
and them
I care about life.
I care so much
that I neglect myself
I neglect my wants
my needs.
I have been providing so much light for others,
that I have let my world grow dark.
I am too busy feeding other people compliments,
that I have left myself starving.
I can't decide
who matters more.
I worry about being conceded
so I discard myself completely.
I care too much

I stood there in the rain
Hoping that maybe
It would wash away
All of my memories
Of you.