There's nothing in me,
but emotion and thought
In a field of sunflowers
I am a lily, that's lost.

Screaming, "save me!"
Trust me I know the cost
"Pick me!"

Let me writher and rot
Please do not leave me in gloom
I will not bloom next summer,
And I blame you.

I need to die to be alright
Help me rise again,
Hold me in your hands

You say, "I will be your friend"
Then you leave me in the dark
Bring sunflowers to the eulogy
You told me I was not them, but a lily

I do not have eyes, yet I know I am art
I want to glitter with the stars
I know you are the one who tore me apart

Stuck my fragments inside of a jar
Set me on fire
My inclination is gone

See me,
in the sky, and not in the mirror

See me,
in the pasture, and not in your tears

See me,
on the ground, and not as your fears

Do not dream of me, but remember me for years

when I first fell for you
i didn't think id fall so hard
"its just a crush"
or so I thought

I liked you
but you liked someone else

a year has gone by and now I'm in love with you
but little did I know
you were in love with me too

I love you

I’ve started a journal, about things that made me happy today, when really it should be things that kept me from killing myself today.

So I think about why today is not the day, on which I should end my being here, why today is not the day my light will be switched off.
I think about the advantages of not existing. On how easy everything would be. I wouldn’t have to get out of bed every morning, in fact I’d NEVER have to get up ever again. I could just lie there, not even making an effort to breathe – because what difference would it make?

I could spent my time just being nothing, feeling nothing, drowning in air and thoughtlessness for the sole purpose of wasting my time in a place where no time exists. I imagine my head just cooling down, like a laptop shut off after using it for a long time. I can almost feel the heat leaving my body, leaving my brain. I can feel my body getting cold and stiff and how my muscles just let go. They wouldn’t even try. No spasms or anything. They’d just drop to the ground in total exhaustion, thankful for not having to function anymore. My eyes closing, my mind in peace. No darkness or bad feelings, just a void. Floating into a vast nothingness.

It’s a nice thought. So, what is it that keeps me from giving in?

I don’t know. I don’t know why my body or better yet my mind keeps me alive, refusing to enter the state of total stiffness. Maybe there’s still movement, somewhere. Maybe it is because today I saw a grey cat which didn’t run away when I tried to touch her. Maybe it was because she had very soft fur and she purred and she gave me a blink with her eye when I looked at her. Maybe it was because I’ve catched the last train without running, even if I was already late. Maybe it was because the weather forecast predicted heavy rain in the afternoon but the sun just stayed all day.

I don’t know what makes my heart pumping blood day after day, what makes my lungs breathe second by second. I don’t know how this body works, but as for now, I think there must be reason.

Please I beg of you

That no matter how hard it gets

Or how misunderstood your heart becomes,

Do not let this chaotic world turn
You cold.
Please don't allow yourself to become as hard as ice.

Let yourself forgive and forgive and forgive.

Don't fight love,
Let it in.
Keep your fire.

Holding back just slowly makes you like the rest of them.


What kind of world would we live in
If we didn't have people strong enough to show people
That love and only love
Is what keeps the rest of this freezing world, warm?

So many dead inside.
Scraping up the left over remnants of their hearts.
Like melted wax that dripped down their rib cage.
We scratch off what has dried onto our bones
Desperate to try to make another candle heart to burn.

There's a hummingbird inside my rib cage
And it's dying
And I can't decide if I want it to keep drinking the red sugar of my blood
Or let it starve and wither away beside my bones
For I fear I may be lonely without it
For I fear I may be empty