14 March 2014*

There are nights when I find,
Myself alone under your grace
Your presence carved
In my surroundings
I’m lost again.
Why do I never learn?
When you always
Show me the way

Nothing is dark enough
At this night with you
I can’t be afraid
Up there, you’re just
Watching me over
Until the first light
Of dawn rises
Inside of me

This journey along
The dark and long night
Sail through the sea
Of charcoal clouds and
Fish for the stars
Anchor in the moon
And just like that–
Awed by the mixture
Of dreams and nightmares
The beauty of contrast
Of beautiful and grim
The two sides
Of the story

Short days and
The nights are long.
We found each other's
Company.
Loneliness, let’s not—
Put it in the heart.
You’re not alone,
Hold my hand as you
Guide me to safety.
You’re my direction
My north star
Polaris

16/19 May 2014*

Jane, I remember
How you took my heart away
Just like that, your words
Are pressure ‘n’ friction
Rubbed back ‘n’ forth
To beget a single spark
Set my heart on fire, burnt with d’sire
But we were young ‘n’ innocent
I thought it would pass, soon
But I was wrong

I asked myself,
When did I start writin’ letters?
And never send them.
If I did, t’was twice or thrice written
My head was happy, but my heart wasn’t
Half-heartedly tellin' you what I feel
Never lettin’ you know how much I love you
Just words: generic ‘n’ meaningless
Always sayin’ it’s not yet time

You didn’t even know
All those feelings ‘n’ gestures
Were switchin’ on ‘n’ off
Some days I would feel strongly ‘bout you
Some other, I didn’t know
Never findin’ courage to tell you
B’cause I wasn‘t sure anymore

Your smiles, always remind me
Of the sun, so warm ‘n’ raw
Decisively charmin’ ‘n’ infectious
All life glowin’, yet completely lethal
It melts my heart every time I see you smile.
I could go on like that forever.

I didn’t just picked you, I chose you
And I’m thankful to Him twice my life already
Someday, the butterfly in your finger will fly
Wherever it takes you,
I hope I’m the one you remember
I feel light ‘n’ happy to be able share to you
Like the first time, I’ve atoned for my sins

I blew up a lot of chances
But you always come around
When I almost lost you
I just accepted the fact
That this, this will ne’er gonna happen
Not in this lifetime.

But here comes the universe
And surprisingly conspires with me again
I had so little time to tell you this
And so many times that I wanted to
But my mouth will not cooperate.
I lose my thoughts.
I get cold feet.
I can’t catch my breath.
So I changed my mind every time
I come near you

I would’ve wanted to explain myself
But I didn’t get an openin’ to do so
And I didn’t know where to start.
B’cause if I did,
You will know the storms inside me
And if I crossed the line,
I knew there was no comin' back.
I was not prepared to lose you

I played the game
Of spillin' clues ‘n’ gut-feels,
But it didn’t work out, right?
That feelin' when you like
Someone so much that you think
And overthink how to tell her
And how anxious you are
That she may not feel
The same way about you.
All this time and in between,
I was just too scared to do that
My insecurities eat me again

Walk to the town ‘n’ out of the blue,
We have no more words to say
The silence was awkward,
I wanted to grab your hand ‘n’ hold it,
So we don’t have to talk much.
But I guess, it would’ve been worse
I don’t know why you do that to me.
I have a lot in my mind to say,
But I cannot speak.  
Thank you for keepin’ me company.

I’m sorry if it took me so long
To say all these bottled-up feelings.  
It’s been runnin’ in circles around me
And now I want to resolve them.
I want to make peace with myself.
But I have not acted upon it.
I always did calculated moves
Held back my thoughts before you
I didn’t want to lose,
Before I get even started

I cannot assure myself this, yet now I can.
With all the ups ‘n’ downs I’ve been through,
Pain is no different already.
I am no longer afraid
To the thought of gettin’ hurt
I love you and I’ll be—
Hurtin' for that, forever.

All the poems I wrote you
We’re not even close as half
To what I want you to read
I have written so much
That I’ve been dyin' for the day
You can finally read them
I wonder if it will ever come

These feelings could've gone
All the way forever without you knowin’
But, you were ignorin’ me.
I don’t know why.
I think of you all the time.
I had this emotional baggage
For the longest time now
And at some point, I knew,
It would snap.
I had to release them.
I tried so much to contain them
B’cause I value everythin’ that we have now,
Our relationship with each other.
I am happy that we are friends
I’m very lucky to have met
Someone like you.
But, I just have to let it go somehow.

You’re like a best-sellin’ book
Or a dandy set of clothes
That I can be contented
Just watchin’ from the outside.
But with that glass in between,
I will not know how good that book is—
Or if those clothes will fit me nicely.
I have to read it or fit it.
I believe there’s so much more
That I have to know about you
And that girl outside the glass
Is so much more inside.

You tormented me, Jane
Into summer blues and,
Cold ‘n’ lonely rainy nights
Listenin’ to the mixed tape I gave you
Lookin’ at the picture of you
In a painting I draw
But you didn’t see me
The sunglasses covered your eyes
I don’t know if you chose to
But this is the price, I have to pay
For not tellin’ you, the truth
But now, I did.

I just want to say sorry
All these feelings long bottled-up
Have escaped completely from me
I have to hold myself back
Never wantin’ you to hold on
To whatever that has to do with me

Maybe, I can go on and one day
I will be over you
Everythin’ in its proper places
I have loved you for five years
But for now, it’s time
For me, to stop countin’
All of the stars or sheep
I’ll watch them from here
Who knows, maybe it’s still you
At the end of the universe

21 November 2012 *

We see it fallin' down like an old tower
Took it for granted, all b'yond our power
We never saved it, thought t’was b'yond repair
But the next things took us unprepared

I want to begin again, despite the worry
By sayin', I’m wholeheartedly sorry
For bein’ so coward and disdain
I know it costed you so much pain

I want to begin again, as long as it takes
By acknowledgin' these simple mistakes
And hope you’d forgive 'n' forget
These faults are mine alone to regret

I want to begin again, after all
Like the first time we met last Fall
T’was fated, but still feels surreal
T’is heart— hope will mend ‘n’ heal

I want to begin again, like this
When we have no one to diss
Like the last time we met in the house
When all the anger ‘n’ aches arouse

I want to begin again, without a clue
By bein' honest, simple, and true
B’cause they don’t know about us
Our nightmares turn from dreams to dusts

My lips tell it’s no joke to me
Take a look into my eyes and you’ll see
Can we do it all over again, minus the pain?
B’cause I just want us to begin again

20 October 2011*

Some things are so distant, hard to get
Just like people who easily forget
All through these years, little have remained
Of beautiful memories bleached 'n' stained

Standin' b'fore the ruins of the past
Destroyed by personal desires and greedy lust
Come fallin' off the ground like a raw fruit
Too young to nourish, cannot face the truth

I can hardly recall our comings 'n' goings together
Our beginnings 'n' endings scattered somewhere
Too much pretenses, void of true feelings
We're sour grapes contemplatin' for lost things

Stayin' or leavin' doesnt matter
It's a choice I've not decided soon after
This head hurts thinkin' too much
Some things are b'yond recall as old love is such

19 July 2012*

Don’t speak to me anymore
I don’t want to hear your voice
Those bitin' words feedin' on my soul
Unable to hate the sweet you
Your words are daggers buried in my chest
The pain is worth the risk I take

These words are hard to swallow
Poisonous, like the infamous red apple
Once again, one more time
How can it end like this?
I cannot believe
These memories become a blur
Slowly leavin', our time is dyin'

Countless promises have left me
I don’t know what to do, I die a little
Catchin' your breath, I’m blown away
Your touch is unstoppable
Like the wind beneath our wings

Coverin' my ears, I don’t wanna hear
Shuttin' my eyes, I don’t wanna see
I don’t know where we stand
There are no stars and the rain is fallin'
It’s dark, twisted and beautiful
But I’m home and coming

15 March 2014*

Right from the start,
Our fates had been drawn.
You and me—
Like magnets
Of the same pole
Never to attract
As one.

We will always
Repel each other
No matter how hard
We try, we just don’t
Get along together
And in every passing
Of time, our universe
Widens, guarded
By a force field
That does not know
About love

We are stronger,
Than the things that—
Hinder our cause.
We don’t blame,
Ourselves.
Our nature or
What we’re made of—
The fault does not,
Lie within us.
It’s in our stars,
Written before
We’re even born

You may choose
To follow the path
Laid and foretold by
Constellations,
Broken bones and fire
Slipping through
Our cracks
Or make your own
From sticks ‘n’ stones

But I—
I am ready to fall
Fit into your trap
Win or loose
Dead or alive
I’ll do what it takes
To be with you
Forever and a day
I love you, even we’re—
Thwarted by bad luck
I don’t mind us, being
Star crossed lovers

April 2006*

She’s more than just,
A pretty face that lasts
A heart that beats like chime
That loosens the sands of time

Time reveals what inside
What you feel, when she’s beside
Love is a statement of art
Found deep in every heart

Portrait of her face
Craves me to win the race
Race for the fairest
In her heart, I really insist

Cotton clouds may drift
Art maybe a curse or a gift
But one thing is for sure
I love you, for who you are

You make me free to fly
I couldn’t deny, I couldn’t lie
Your colours make me alive
To face life and to survive

You're the one, my only you
The fairest out of the blue
The one to paint the art of love
In thy heavens above

14 April 2014*

On quiet mornings like this
The fog withdraws b'fore the dogs brawl
The shroud of despair covers me
Like last night's cold sheet
All over us, like some unseen wall
Wherein we cannot hear each other
You don’t talk to me–
You no longer do.
I wish, I would know why
I wish, you would say somethin'

I miss you, like that—
The sun, exploding b’fore
Raybans and endless blue sky
At sunflower fields where
We play hide ‘n’ seek
You flash a smile at me,
Like how the sunflowers—
Follow the sun
All through the day
‘til it got away.

I was just a wayfarin' stranger,
B’fore I was your summer love.
I was out of your plans,
You didn’t see me comin'.
I was not part of the symmetry—
The Fibonacci sequence
That runs in your blood
In your hair, in your skin,
In your heart.

I am just a distraction—
In the morning, you will see
The light, guidin' you
Some orbit, holdin' you in place
'til you complete a cycle
Of your seasonal journey;
Prized seeds of youthful aspirations

You will wilt, soon enough
And close your eyes
After the crows devour
On your dreams—
Nightmares that fed,
On exotic seeds.
But I am here, guardin’ you
Will scare them ‘til they—
Fly away ‘n’ never come back,
Like this once summer
We all ever have.
For our love ‘n’ happiness
Only grown in sunflower fields

13 November 2012*

Said you’d never leave me,
Whilst lookin’ at the horizon we can’t see.
Still— I believe your words fairly
As you’ve spoken it to me clearly

Here we are standin’ in front of each other
Oblivious, we only make things harder
You’ve packed your bags, spared nothin’
Just like that, you robbed me of everythin’

I can’t fully stand to this setup,
Feels like this love wasn’t enough
We’ve suffered in silence for long,
Now it’s time to rewind the song

But this last kiss you blow,
Like a gust of wind, I need to let go.
No matter how I wanted you to stay,
Just like water, you’ll find a way.

At the station, waitin’ for your train
Feels like winter in November rain
Change is hard, but we gotta learn
As wood on fire will surely burn

13 November 2012*

I needed a break to figure out,
Everythin’ moves in a roundabout.
I don’t know what I did now,
It's just easy for you to leave somehow.

The words you said, how cruel those were
I can’t believe; I’m hearin' it up here.
I’m tryin' to be okay, to be alright
But real emotions stay to mix 'n' fight.

Never thought it hurts so bad,
I can’t get over you even if I had.
You’re givin' me a broken heart,
After all we’ve been through apart.

I always thought— you’d be the one
But baby, now you’re gone.
I’m gettin’ weak ‘n’ wicked too
My heart is constantly dying for you

It’s not what that doesn’t **** me,
That makes me stronger at all.
It’s your love against all odds,
But there’s no longer a love like that.

15 April 2014*

Sometimes, I want to push you
To the edge, past your breakin' point
See what happens afterwards
How can you handle yourself?
Put you in a lot of stress
Strain your spirit
Consume your love
No matter what’s
Little left inside

I’m raw 'n' ruthless—
I’m gonna burn you down
‘til all your ashes flitter up
And settle on a damp
Ground, to kiss my feet
And cleanse my soul.
I have wronged you,
I can never be forgiven.
I have broken a promise,
But it’s not made to be—
It was already broken,
Long b’fore t’was made.

I can love you better,
Than I will ever be—
But my mistakes already
Caught fire, spreadin’
Like wildfire, unstoppable.
Destroyin’ everythin’
That’s comin’ its way
Slowly, your water
Is softly killin’ me
Yet I don’t care at all
I’m dying, losin’ my fire
You’re tryin’ to save me
But you can’t—
B’cause I am fire
And you are water
We can love each other,
But we can never be together.

You know the drill,
When you hear that sound.
You have to do what’s right
Or I will lose you and
Everythin’ that we can ever be.
I cannot live on ashes of regret,
This love I can never forget.
Keep the red button of my shirt,
The sign of my undyin’ love.
So when the time comes,
That you have to choose
Between me and them—
Don’t worry, I’ll be fine
Just hold me in your arms
And push the fire alarm

18 July 2010*

Three years, eleven months, thirty-eight days and nights.
Times Ive waited since we separated flights.

A lot happened in between,
forcin' us to change our lives.
Starin' at the same old wall clock,
hopin' that right time arrives.

The warm leaves fall in sentiments,
reminisced for old-time-sakes.
Tears of joy pooled the mem'ries,
all the time it takes.

Should I wear? That same old smile,
even just for awhile.
Or rather just, keep my silence,
try feelin' your carved presence.

These days kept comin' back,
all over again.
All my heart is nothin',
but a dark den of pain.

What if I never,
met you?
Or simply, I never fell
head over heels in love?

What if you only listened,
to your heart?
Could have it been me and you,
til we never part?

What if roses never wither,
never loses its red?
Its thorns never hurt,
wounds never bleed.

Three years, eleven months, thirty-eight days and nights after.
I'll wait again albeit, it takes me forever.

15 April 2014*

The sea is callin’ to me
The clouds hidin’ in the mountain
All the light explodin’ b’fore my eyes
The powdery sand coatin’ my feet
The footsteps left on the shore
Tryin’ to find, relivin’ you
I would’ve followed you,
Anywhere.

I caught myself—
Throwin’ pebbles at the sea,
Like how we used to skipping stones
And runnin’ across the bay
Until we get tired
And our cheeks sore ‘n’ red
Like the watermelons
We **** to quench
The thirst of our—
Youth 'n' childhood.

The sand in your hair
The sea in your eyes—
Deep as the colour of
The sky at high noon.
I miss them,
I could get drowned
Into them and never
Survive, but happily
Close my eyes
To feel the sun and
All your love.
For the last time,
Forever.

The freckles on
Your cheeks,
Remind me of those
Distant islets—
Neighbouring,
The beautiful summers
Of our lives.

We watched every sunset
Took a lot of photographs
I saw you surf,
Over ‘n’ under the waves
And thrown back into the sea,
Like a fish that—
Jumped out of the net.
You can't drown it,
In the water.

I remember the time,
When we had fun
Who knew happiness,
Can be intoxicating?
It was a brief,
Yet close encounter.
It’s summer once again
Everythin’ is comin’ back:
The people, the place
The mem’ry
Except— you
Never knew, I’d miss you
You’ve scarred ‘n’ left me,
Like sunburn—
Seven summers, later.

14 April 2014*

Love is love.
*** is ***.
Don't be confused.

08 July 2010*

The dark azure sky trembled from afar
The rain seems to fall leavin' a scar
Why now? When loves dead 'n' gone
What else would make things done?

It pains me much. What should I do?
To make this feeling stop 'n' go
One day, the blames on me
For I never waited and see

Feelings, unless we **** these
We can't go on, life's never at ease
I'll say goodbye even for a while
Just for a while, without your smile

No need of bittersweet words to excuse
Whether I understood or not, or I'm confused
I win or lose that all will be my luck
And we cant bring those used-to-haves back

There's no reason for me to stay
For you wanted to dream and run away
Cos I feel, I'm cold as frost in the stars
Someday, love will leave cold 'n' blue scars

15 April 2014

In a few hours, we will
Grow apart from each other.
I will never see you again
But maybe, you will see me.
Passin’ along the way,
Never knowin’ who you are.
But for now—
Let me miss you,
Just until I don’t.

It’s rather a strange time
When we met, I was down
Broken into bits ‘n’ pieces
Of the universe and her.
But you seemed to care
About me ‘n’ liked
My flaws and everythin’
In between my legs.

On the other hand,
I still couldn’t find anythin’
That I don’t like
About her.
In fact, I believed—
That we are the mundane,
Jack and Rose
In this lifetime
A hundred and two years later
And countin’, still…

But you—
You are different from her,
Like how the silence
Would fill the war room.
There’s no tinge of uneasiness to it
Our breaths cadence with each other
Our hands found their ways
To remove the cloths that bound us
Our lips meet in utter urgency
It was comforting.
Somethin’ inside you
Made me safe
To anchor my ship
And dock in your harbour
As the storm ravages
Everythin’ that’s left
Of the universe and her, and I

Every morning, I try to
Figure out what went wrong.
But “nothin’” was all—
She could ever say to me
I was hopin’ she’d say
That I messed up, that
We couldn’t be what we are b’fore
Or there wasn’t much—
To talk about anymore,
Anythin’, but nothin’
Really at all.

The silence is dreadful,
I no longer felt safe.
The comfort of havin’ her,
Was replaced with—
Great amount of uneasiness.
I was hurt and felt—
Unwanted.
Lately, it’s hard to see her
With strangers around
Who’s a thousandfold
Interestin’ than me.
But it’s harder to see her,
In ethereal happiness with them.

Maybe the universe wants
Me to love you and forget her,
But I miss her and I love her
Probably too much—
That I still wear my heart on my sleeve.
You— you’re just a loose change
Of everythin’ that we’ve through.
Here’s two cents of my thoughts:
You can have me,
But you can never love me.
The universe and her, and I—
We are the mundane,
Jack and Rose*
After all…

November 2007*

If only I have felt this before
My life would be worth livin' for
Tranquility kills me slowly
Yet I keep on movin’ silently

If only I have been strong
This won’t take long
I know I’m not that brave
To leave diaries on the grave

If only I have saved you
Anythin' between us will do
If only I knew my worth
You must been here back 'n' forth

If only I have taken one step away
I might have been with you until this day
I found myself goin' back to you
Cos I have fallen for you too

If only the rain has come again
Bathed my fears to regain
Told me what to do
Begged me to stay, not to let go

If only I thought, things would be the same
People I thought safe to play with
It was just indeed worth everything
If only I have done something

14 April 2014*

Last night, you stayed with me
You listened to my thoughts
As I looked deep into your eyes
I tried to understand
What you feel.

I gave myself to you
We consumed what we can
But you're huge ‘n’ high as the stars
Implodin' inside my head
I’m not good enough for you.

In the morning, you left
Faded like those stars last night
Not a trace of love
Not a strand of hair
Not a kiss mark on my neck.
All the light shattered
On the windows
Blinded by love
In the shadows

I left my bed, the way it is
Look at you in the picture frame
Kiss you long ‘n’ close enough
But only cold glass met my lips
I wipe my tears,
B’fore they dry
Never knowin’ if I can
See you again
This evening
Or if last night
Was the last

12 August 2013*

I remember my first love
Like how I remember my name
My name written next to hers
Or like a chorus to the song
We used to sing together

I remember her face
Every time I look in the mirror
As if she stares through my eyes
When our gazes used to meet in the air
Or how we withdraw from each other

Some things are constant reminders
Of what our years had been
And we know, we are wiser this time
Love is no longer a game,
Played by two people in love
But a serious commitment
With all honesty 'n' devotion

We have learnt from those mistakes
Swore to never repeat them
It pains to feel it
It hurts to remember again

All the fun 'n' excitement flew like balloons
Short-lived, yet it brought us happiness
Sweet as a cone of ice cream
Meltin' under the summer heat

There’s nothin' like first love
And everythin' that we used to have
We always remember, we don’t forget
But we no longer, feel the same
Time obscured the mem’ry with smoke
Forgotten like ashes, of a dyin' cigarette

4 February 2014*

Every day, I stood b'fore this path of concrete
I walk miles and miles away in discreet
The pain— I drag all along the way
It doesn’t matter if I am not okay

Sometimes, the wind would assault me
Some other times, the rain takes its toll
Day and night, I leave them be
It’s always same, , I got to roll

This is a two-way street: I’m tryin’ to find you
You— tryin’ to hide. The sky has never been so blue
As it turns silver ‘n’ black like bruises in your arms
You never told me, love like poison harms

I lift my head and gaze at the distance
Turn back, to the track I cover at that instance
My mind wants one more step, never give up
My heart stops, be content, I’ve done enough

I look up to see the stars glowin' like big eyes
Watchin’ over me, listenin’ to my dead cries
Your silent treatments I cannot withstand
How I wish, things were different in my hand

But I’m no longer holdin' on to those days
I never had a chance b'fore I can
This highway is long, a windin' abyss
I’m caught in despair like a lonely man

12 March 2014*

You didn’t just jumped off from—
That building like some falling debris
You were a piece of a bigger puzzle,
That needs to be solved
Cordoned by the yellow line
Bathed in redness of sorrow
I keep lookin’, I keep askin’
But you closed your eyes
And forever vowed for silence

We are our plates ‘n’ glasses
At some point, we’re gonna break
Into a thousand bits ‘n’ pieces of—
What we’re made, the little things
Unreasonably brittle ‘n’ razor sharp
So when they collect us, pull us together
It hurts, pain cuts through the insides
Bleeding like old wounds
Left untreated ‘n’ cared for

You’re a fallen star, so distant ‘n’ cold
You should’ve talked to me,
I would’ve listened anyways.
But you chose not to–
I can only guess from the signs,
You’ve left me my friend.
Don’t you worry, the universe
Conspires with me and together
We will solve the mystery
Of your short life.

I feel you, every time I pass this place
I remember how you draped the road
Your pale arm peekin' under the white cloth
The rain may have washed,
The footprints that bore your mark
But in my mem’ry, I see you—
Crystal clear from the first light of the day
Inside the eye of the storm
Trapped. Never to get out

Stars fall every day, we just don’t see it
The light is too intense, for our eyes
But it doesn’t matter, maybe
Its time has come to inspire
A hopeless man that I’ve become
I find it hard to accept
Every night when I close my eyes
That my courage has to come
From shooting stars ‘n’ falling objects

23 May 2010*

I see you go, walked away from me
Plead everythin' down on my knee
I can't stop you, pull you around
I try to catch, but I'm held on the ground

You ran away, like these tears would fall
Helpless as I rewrite our mem'ries in your wall
Blowin' up the sands of time for what it has done
Lookin' through the old places we've gone

I look at you b'yond my eyes could see
How can my love be trapped? Can't set it free
Now that I'm down to my very last shot
Just don't know if I can make it or not

I'd like to stay in your eyes
But you step back, threw a look cold as ice
I cried cos these tears in your eyes
Never had or will ever suffice

29 May 2014*

It’s just another night
And I’m starin’ at you
Saw you smile ‘n’ laugh
I thought ’bout you
Our days as I travel
Back to the time
When I was
The reason for that
Smile

A few drinks ‘n’ I’ve loosened up
The night is young
I can’t help starin’ at you
And not say anythin' at all
All these years

We were young, then
And now, the wrinkles around our eyes
Define us, how things have changed
How people like us have changed
And everythin' in between

You said you were sorry
You said I was your last love
Ironic, that the opposite’s true
But settin' aside, what we have
Lookin' past the window
Towards the past
I tripped down at memory lane
I couldn’t remember how
Things were
I don’t regret any of this

Let’s just settle in bliss
Your outburst, romantic or not
Let’s put them as it is
I don’t mind, but I wished
You didn’t ask
We were okay
Our hearts have healed
What’s done ‘n’ over
Is done ‘n’ over
But I understand
If you’re sufferin'
From a romantic
Relapse