16/19 May 2014*
Jane, I remember
How you took my heart away
Just like that, your words
Are pressure ‘n’ friction
Rubbed back ‘n’ forth
To beget a single spark
Set my heart on fire, burnt with d’sire
But we were young ‘n’ innocent
I thought it would pass, soon
But I was wrong
I asked myself,
When did I start writin’ letters?
And never send them.
If I did, t’was twice or thrice written
My head was happy, but my heart wasn’t
Half-heartedly tellin' you what I feel
Never lettin’ you know how much I love you
Just words: generic ‘n’ meaningless
Always sayin’ it’s not yet time
You didn’t even know
All those feelings ‘n’ gestures
Were switchin’ on ‘n’ off
Some days I would feel strongly ‘bout you
Some other, I didn’t know
Never findin’ courage to tell you
B’cause I wasn‘t sure anymore
Your smiles, always remind me
Of the sun, so warm ‘n’ raw
Decisively charmin’ ‘n’ infectious
All life glowin’, yet completely lethal
It melts my heart every time I see you smile.
I could go on like that forever.
I didn’t just picked you, I chose you
And I’m thankful to Him twice my life already
Someday, the butterfly in your finger will fly
Wherever it takes you,
I hope I’m the one you remember
I feel light ‘n’ happy to be able share to you
Like the first time, I’ve atoned for my sins
I blew up a lot of chances
But you always come around
When I almost lost you
I just accepted the fact
That this, this will ne’er gonna happen
Not in this lifetime.
But here comes the universe
And surprisingly conspires with me again
I had so little time to tell you this
And so many times that I wanted to
But my mouth will not cooperate.
I lose my thoughts.
I get cold feet.
I can’t catch my breath.
So I changed my mind every time
I come near you
I would’ve wanted to explain myself
But I didn’t get an openin’ to do so
And I didn’t know where to start.
B’cause if I did,
You will know the storms inside me
And if I crossed the line,
I knew there was no comin' back.
I was not prepared to lose you
I played the game
Of spillin' clues ‘n’ gut-feels,
But it didn’t work out, right?
That feelin' when you like
Someone so much that you think
And overthink how to tell her
And how anxious you are
That she may not feel
The same way about you.
All this time and in between,
I was just too scared to do that
My insecurities eat me again
Walk to the town ‘n’ out of the blue,
We have no more words to say
The silence was awkward,
I wanted to grab your hand ‘n’ hold it,
So we don’t have to talk much.
But I guess, it would’ve been worse
I don’t know why you do that to me.
I have a lot in my mind to say,
But I cannot speak.
Thank you for keepin’ me company.
I’m sorry if it took me so long
To say all these bottled-up feelings.
It’s been runnin’ in circles around me
And now I want to resolve them.
I want to make peace with myself.
But I have not acted upon it.
I always did calculated moves
Held back my thoughts before you
I didn’t want to lose,
Before I get even started
I cannot assure myself this, yet now I can.
With all the ups ‘n’ downs I’ve been through,
Pain is no different already.
I am no longer afraid
To the thought of gettin’ hurt
I love you and I’ll be—
Hurtin' for that, forever.
All the poems I wrote you
We’re not even close as half
To what I want you to read
I have written so much
That I’ve been dyin' for the day
You can finally read them
I wonder if it will ever come
These feelings could've gone
All the way forever without you knowin’
But, you were ignorin’ me.
I don’t know why.
I think of you all the time.
I had this emotional baggage
For the longest time now
And at some point, I knew,
It would snap.
I had to release them.
I tried so much to contain them
B’cause I value everythin’ that we have now,
Our relationship with each other.
I am happy that we are friends
I’m very lucky to have met
Someone like you.
But, I just have to let it go somehow.
You’re like a best-sellin’ book
Or a dandy set of clothes
That I can be contented
Just watchin’ from the outside.
But with that glass in between,
I will not know how good that book is—
Or if those clothes will fit me nicely.
I have to read it or fit it.
I believe there’s so much more
That I have to know about you
And that girl outside the glass
Is so much more inside.
You tormented me, Jane
Into summer blues and,
Cold ‘n’ lonely rainy nights
Listenin’ to the mixed tape I gave you
Lookin’ at the picture of you
In a painting I draw
But you didn’t see me
The sunglasses covered your eyes
I don’t know if you chose to
But this is the price, I have to pay
For not tellin’ you, the truth
But now, I did.
I just want to say sorry
All these feelings long bottled-up
Have escaped completely from me
I have to hold myself back
Never wantin’ you to hold on
To whatever that has to do with me
Maybe, I can go on and one day
I will be over you
Everythin’ in its proper places
I have loved you for five years
But for now, it’s time
For me, to stop countin’
All of the stars or sheep
I’ll watch them from here
Who knows, maybe it’s still you
At the end of the universe
Forgive me for the length. Some stories cannot be contained. Love again, L.