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Oct 2018 · 89
Darkness... Stillness
undetermined Oct 2018
I feel it.

It's tiptoeing,
One toe at a time.

Closer to me, still.

It doesn't want to hurt me,
But it feels like it does.

He says I'll be ok,
I don't believe it.
And I won't till he
Puts his gun away.

He says it's for protection.
"I'll be ok," I say.
But in his hand it remains.

He grows nearer...

Gun still in hand.

I ask him to stop.
"Don't come closer," I plead.

He doesn't understand.

He doesn't realize I am afraid.

I shutter,

He freezes,

For only a moment.

He gets it.

He takes advantage.

He walks flat foot now.
His tempo improves from 60 to 120...

I scurry to the corner.

He is aroused,
Tempo rising.

He is a step from reaching my corner,
He pauses.

He whispers.
But I can't hear him.

I can't hear anything but my heartbeat.
It quickens, and grows louder,
Heart, now my head.

Half step back, full step foreword.

Six inches away.

He is testing me,
So I close my eyes.

He fills my corner,
He stops.

He is done...
Or is he.

It's still.
It's quiet.

He moves an inch out of place,
My eyes still shut.

I know he holds it up now.
Now to my head.

Shhh...
"You won't feel a thing."

He places his finger on the trigger...
and waits.

He won't pull it.
I have to do that myself.

I dare not move,
For a whole 30 seconds.

I grab the gun, in the same position,
And pull the trigger.

I open my eyes.
He is gone.
I still feel him.

 He wants me.
He is watching me.

His brother lives me and won't let him near me... not now.

He was in my corner before his brother took it over.

He was my protection.

But he failed as well.
It's not like he didn't try.
He really did.

His brother is stronger though.

He had come back to shoot me again...

He is allowed tonight...
I ask him too.

I'm still afraid, yes.
But his brother will be back in the morning, when I wake...

Or so he says...

Or...

Maybe darkness and I are just meant to be.
Mar 2017 · 201
Iseemtobelost.
undetermined Mar 2017
I'm not sure where I'm going.
I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go.
I know where people want me to go,
But that's not where I want to go.
I don't know where I want to go
But it's not where they want me to.

I'm not sure why,
But I don't want to do much these days.
I've lost all motivation.
I need to finish school.
I want to drop out.
And I hate that about me.

I want out of this town.
This place is not my home.
I want to go home.
I want the four seasons.
I want to feel cold.
I hate it here.

I need to get a job
One that pays me enough to get by,
For now.
I need to save my money
Use only what I need to
Then, when I have enough,

I need to get out.
I need my own place.
Or maybe a place with a friend.
A place where
 I won't be hounded by my parents
To get my *** in gear.

I need the motivation
To do what needs to get done.
The best I have right now,
That would be,
The fact that it's too late
To get these things done.

I don't know where I am.
I don't want to do anything about it either.
I want to run away.
I need cash, and a job.
I need to move on from here.
I need a kick in the ***.

I seem to be lost.
Dec 2014 · 501
The Silence is Optional
undetermined Dec 2014
Quietly, quickly, inconspicuously, daringly, cautiously, knowingly, doubtingly, forcefully, confusedly, consciously, uncontrollably, thoughtfully, dumbly, numerously, abusively, blatantly, spontaneously, thinking of the blank, black, silence that engulfs my being every nocturnal moment I remain frozen in the banks of reality waiting for the hypothetical trigger of the hypothetical gun to be ripped behind its epicenter to allow me the will to be woken from a death that had been disrupted by a millimeter of flame from a centimeter of a stars everlasting life within a never lasting cycle of momentary aliveness in a stillness that ceases to be as such.
undetermined Sep 2014
Sometimes,
I wish I could just shut the whole world out.
Take a break from everything.
Get away from all the pain.
Sometimes, I wish everyone would just leave me be.
I wish they would just let me sit in my room and do whatever I feel like doing and not care what that may be.

And then...
Sometimes...

I wish they would ask whats wrong,
if they can do something to help,
if i need anything.
Sometimes I DO need to talk to someone.
Sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on.
Sometimes i need someone to tell me I'm right even when I'm dead wrong.

One too many times, have I been alone and wanting someone to hold me.

If I get that offer it is from someone who is not able to actually be there with me.
They are never around when I need or want them.
Yet, somehow, I am always there for them.
No one seems to understand how much I do things for others before i do them for myself.
I am always the one being selfish.
According to some.
And to others Im being neither selfish or generous enough.
I never do enough for other people in other people's eyes.

So I am taking this time to be selfish for once.
This is all I can do, otherwise, I'm in the wrong,
yet again.

I do this simply to let off some steam,
but not all of it.
In order to get out the rest I feel as though I must kick the chest
of a punching bag.

I have finished my complaining.
Now, I must rest.
I will see you the next time
I need to get something off my chest.
May 2014 · 845
I Can't Do It
undetermined May 2014
They say that when you die, your whole life flashes before your eyes in only a matter of seconds.

If that is true,
what if this is just our lives flashing before us?
What if we are just seeing this all happen again... as a memory?

Puritans believe in predestination...
I believe they know that happens and just think they are part of the flashback.

If that is true, can someone tell me why and/or how I am dying right now?

I don't want to die.
I know I have said it, thousands of times, that I'd rather die or be dead, but that isn't true.
I have said I want to **** myself before too.
To tell you the truth, I don't have the ***** to do it.
I can't **** myself.
I have had a knife in my hand trying to stab myself, but I got scared and put it away.

I found a gun once too... held it up to my head... put my finger on the trigger... dropped it.

I tried hanging myself too... that also ended in me not following through.

I can't do it... I won't do it.
May 2014 · 561
My True Love
undetermined May 2014
Her name is love...
She is the most truthful person
you will ever meet.
She is small...
She is beautiful
I am big yet young,
compared to her...
I love her with all my heart.
She is my one and only...
She is my sister
She is my true love...
I love her...
She loves me...
Though she can't say it
nor show it,
I know its true.
She will never lie to me,
She will only love me.
She is my sister,
She...
is Lyndie.
She will never speak, nor show affection
but I know deep down,
She and I,
have a true connection.
This is a poem about my older sister Lyndie. She has a rare genetic disorder called Rett Syndrome. This makes it so she can't walk or talk or control herself in anyway. She can crawl and and laugh and scream but that is about it.
Apr 2014 · 888
Untitled
undetermined Apr 2014
(silence)
quiet
darkness
stillness
quickness
no time
frozen
whispers
tapping
sitting
thinking
listening
crying
su­llen
sadness
good
bad
rain
thunder
no lightening.
happiness
calmness
clatter
thickness
smoothness
cowar­ds
heros
lovers
sinners
helpers
killers
painters
stoppers
halt.
h­ush.
silent
again.
nothing
positive
negative.
neglect
honor
hatre­d
love
shh...
quiet
darkness
stillness
quickness
no time
frozen
whispers
tapping
sitting
thinking
listening
crying
su­llen
sadness
good
bad
rain
thunder
no lightening.
happiness
calmness
clatter
(silence)
Apr 2014 · 655
Untitled
undetermined Apr 2014
(Love)
Silent
Loud
Cute
Kind
Caring
Quick
Slow
Soft
Rough
Smooth
­Thick
Hot
Cold
Dark
Bright
Shifting
Sitting
Running
Walking
Resti­ng
Dashing
Charming
Innocent
Ruthless
Meaning
No meaning.
Subtle
Drastic
Thining
Thickening
Ugly
Attractive
Moving­
Stopping
Continueing
Ending.
Silent
Loud
Cute
Kind
Caring
Quick
­Slow
Soft
Rough
Smooth
Thick
Hot
Cold
Dark
Bright
Shifting
Sittin­g
Running
Walking
Resting
Dashing
Charming
Innocent
Ruthless
Mean­ing
No meaning.
Forever.
Done.
(Love)

— The End —