she kisses me & my body explodes
& she knows she knows she knows
she can sense that i love her.
i don't say the words at first
we just sit in her car and talk about what it's like being this hurt
& she holds me in her sweet little hands
& i choke down all these words because i don't want this night to end.
her eyes always see more than i'd like for her to know
she's an open book filled with blank pages because i'm getting too close
after tonight, she'll close off again
after tonight, her book will be locked
after tonight, she’ll forget that i love her
i’ll be expected to do the same
& i probably will do what she asks
but tonight, i'm allowed to love her
because just for tonight, she loves me back.

i think i fell in love once
but it only went down the drain
i think she had wild hair and wore a million rings
i think she had mistakes in her teeth
and when i told her i loved her
i think she said she loved me
but i can't be sure if she was real
or just another dream.

i’m  m i s e r a b l e  in your arms
especially when they’re this far
& i know that’s contradicting
i know that doesn’t say if i love you or not
'cause honestly
i don’t know if i love you            or not.
maybe if you were more sunshine than rainy night skies
i wouldn’t feel the need to entertain all these lies.
in my head it’s darker than my skin
& my heart? you’ll  n e v e r  get in
cause it doesn’t belong to me
she has it wrapped around her finger
                                                  it’s hers
                                 just like this poem
                   just like my life
& if i could
i’d probably let her go
if i could
i’d probably find a decent way to love you in a perspective you’ve never known
but i can’t.
i just-
i can’t
& it’s not your fault, believe me
but she's just
she's    e v e r y t h i n g    
& how could you ever compete?
& how could i ever make you?
simple answer: i can’t.
complicated answer: there's a radio in a car somewhere singing her name & even though it’s not my car, my radio does the    exact    same.
but
i’ll put spaces between us & hope it’s enough
i’ll put spaces between   u   s   & hope it’s enough
even though i know it’ll never be
because her? she's it for me
she's-
she's  e v e r y t h i n g .

knee high socks
shorts
a long t-shirt.
i was in a sleeping bag pulled up to my chest
i was so so tired, but couldn’t seem to rest
& that's when he came in like a storm
his thunder was silent but i’d know the smell of rain anywhere
i wish i could say i tasted alcohol on his breath
or saw pills swimming in his eyes
but the only drug he was after
was a girl half his size.
i just wanted to sleep
but he had other ideas in mind.
he didn’t hover over me
which maybe i would’ve preferred
instead he sat next to me like we were simply family
doing family things
watching tv, you know
family things
except that wasn’t the case.
i tried to tell them, you know
i told them all what he did, just to see
“you should’ve kicked him,” they told me
“so we could have proof.”
“what were you wearing?” they asked me
“it’s your fault too.”
like i asked for this
like i craved the abuse.
and sometimes in my head, it was nothing but a dream
something i can wake up from
not something that aches each time i breathe
& do you know what my mother said after,
when i'd told her what he'd done
she said, "don't be so uptight, darling, he was just having fun,
he feels really really sorry
& if i were you,
i'd take advantage of this opportunity."

"i'm a poet," i told her, "i've never lived without a broken heart,"
then her eyes glassed over and i could tell she was going to cry
but i don't know what else to say to a girl with that much fire in her life
i feel like i'll burn around you, i say but not out loud
and labels hurt my head but this love hurts my heart
her smile sticks to my lips cause she's honey, she's art
"give me a reason to care this much, okay?
give me a reason to fall in love, okay?" she said it as if my lungs were even still capable of such things
and i stood on the edge of this roof before, wanting to fly from this place
i opened up my arms before, and hit the ground harder 'till i went insane
my doc said, "don't worry, happens all the time. just take these pills and you won't want to die." so i did but i feel numb
my heart is cold and she's my sun
but it's been so long since i've tasted love
i'm jam packing my thoughts right now
a little broken, a little lost right now
but she can weave in and out like she's never been hurt
and like she never will
"i love you," she said while abandonment played with my tongue
but still, i said it back, knowing i no longer even had it in me to love.

the first one was cocky and curly
brown eyes, strong jaw
a basketball boy who broke not only hearts
but laws.
i kissed him to forget my troubles
i kissed him to forget
i gave my all to him
even though i was not his to give
by the end of the year
he sat in the snow, crying, alone
i told him its not fun anymore, its time for me to go
i stood beside him, wanting to leave
needing to stay
i knew we'd meet again but back then? he was nothing to me.

the second one came in like a missle
i didn't have time to react
he was confident and smart
i'd always admired that
he held my hand and looked at me with greed
he ran to my house at night and in need
i spent so long saving him, i forgot to take a breath
so i left him with a note telling him how i'd never love again
at the time, i was lying, but things haven't felt the same since.

third came a girl with danger dripping in her eyes
mistakes tangled in her hair
she was alive and carefree, so i never saw her despair
i looked at her through rose colored lenses, she was perfect
she was mine
i didn't believe what others had said, even when i started seeing the truth with my own eyes
she wasn't loyal and she wasn't kind, my head had made it all up
it was hardest to leave this one,
'cause i never actually meant to fall in love.

the last girl was dark sunshine
her eyes were so grey
so blue
i felt the years on her shoulders, the world she constantly held up
the entity in her eyes trying to escape the past she knew
i wanted to make life easier for her
i taught her love, unknowing that i was only teaching her to love me
so when our time was up
on the 17th, she asked to date, you see
yes, i said out loud
no, i said in my head
i broke up with her three days later
its not my fault, to me, romance is dead.

what i gave to love you all
what i gave to break your hearts
but i had to do it
i'm a poet, i simply wouldn't survive if i was ripped apart.

i am a flower growing in the train tracks
i do not belong
but i want to
& i realize i may never
i realize that i may never ever fit in.
& you ask me, "what do you really know about this?
about love?
about bliss?" & i say that i
i know how your eyes look in the moonlight when you’re watching me as i sleep
i know that i belong with you & you belong with me
it’s not science, only the truth
but, my love, what if i want to belong to more than just you?
i feel like i’m only here because you created me
& like if you didn’t, i’d still be that broken little girl i used to be
but me & that old girl, we’re not even that far apart, you know?
we bleed the same, feel the same, we even cry the same
so how am i not her? how is she not me?
& you shush me & say that i
i am nothing but a flower growing in the train tracks
i do not belong
but i want to
& i realize that i may never
i realize that i may never ever fit in
but i want to
but i want to.