i am a flower growing in the train tracks
i do not belong
but i want to
& i realize i may never
i realize that i may never ever fit in.
& you ask me, "what do you really know about this?
about love?
about bliss?" & i say that i
i know how your eyes look in the moonlight when you’re watching me as i sleep
i know that i belong with you & you belong with me
it’s not science, only the truth
but, my love, what if i want to belong to more than just you?
i feel like i’m only here because you created me
& like if you didn’t, i’d still be that broken little girl i used to be
but me & that old girl, we’re not even that far apart, you know?
we bleed the same, feel the same, we even cry the same
so how am i not her? how is she not me?
& you shush me & say that i
i am nothing but a flower growing in the train tracks
i do not belong
but i want to
& i realize that i may never
i realize that i may never ever fit in
but i want to
but i want to.

2/25/19

14:17 pm

please stop tearing me up and down. i can’t take it. and i’m realizing slowly, if i stop to breathe, there will be nothing left of me. i need to go. go. go. i need to leave you behind.
if i could just find the remote, i could mute the **** in my head. i know too much. i’m better off dead.
no such luck. i’m sorry about the mirror i broke. i’ll pick it up when my hands stop bleeding. i’ll pick it all up when i feel like me again.

15:41 pm

this isn’t a suicide note. but my god, i want to die.
i swallow oblivion for breakfast and by lunch i puke it all up. i never learn my lesson and it’s probably all my fault.
i yell more than i speak and if i really wanted to die, there’s nothing you could do to stop me.
i am my own destruction. raised with a heart of gold, but gold doesn’t keep you alive. neither have any of the hands i’ve learned to hold.
i’m breaking free ‘cause if i keep living this life i swear
it’ll **** me.
i’ll **** me.
i just want to wake up.

18:20 pm

i wake up in the same skin i fell asleep in. almost like i can never take it off. almost like if you walked by me three years later my skin would still be calling your name and that’s ****** up.
i can’t sleep unless i’m drugged up (or unless i’m by you) but you don’t know that. you don’t need to. i won’t let you.
my secrets are my armor. i pile them high. you will never again get through to me. you will never again get through to me. you will never again get through to me.

2/26/19

2:13 am

how'd you get through to me? **

i'm sure i was nothing before i met you
a blue girl looking for new colors on a palate that only bore one
i'm sure i was only a shell of what i could be before i met you
a blue girl looking at a green, orange, red-blond boy that could be her new home
tall like a tower, booming like thunder, laughter like music playing steadily on a summer eve
you were a stark difference compared to me, yet you were still perfect
well, as perfect as any green, orange, red-blond boy could be.
tennis shoes the same color as my sad sad soul, connecting to legs crashing their way into my mad mad world
you know exactly what you do to me
but do you dare stop?
no, of course not
since when did boys like you stop for girls like me?
bulldozing, red lights, screaming, violet nights
i was everything next to you, yet nothing the second you leave
i'm a blue girl searching for a green, orange, red-blond boy that could be her new backbone
she can't stand on her own
she can't she can't she can't-
i can't stand on my own.

i. you are broken bones and candy too sweet, you weren’t made for goodnight kisses and long walks on the beach
you weren’t made for me.
ii. when my lungs stop bleeding and my skin stops ripping i will give you up. i will power wash you out of my veins because you will never
ever, have control over me again.
iii. if forever is the word that has kept me stuck to your ground than heartbroken will be the only word that could free me, because if i sit here falling any longer
there will be nothing left of me.
iv. i'm not pixie dust and you're not princess charming, i am able to live life without your constant explosion
and you will survive without being the reason i'm dying.
v. i am repeating phrases repeating phrases repeating phrases because your lack of change is slowly getting to me
slowly drowning me in your coffee, bitter, black, and
i'm never coming back up.
(you're probably okay with that)
vi. i tell you i love you and the sky comes undone
and when i say ¨it's falling¨
you say ¨so don't look up¨
vii. maybe if your last name and my first name made some type of sense, we wouldn't be sitting here watching it all end
the bed is in flames and we're going insane
because love is only chemicals and lies and we know nothing will change.
viii. you feel nothing and i feel everything and so i tell you
¨i hear wedding bells¨ because, don't you?
and you say ¨cover your ears, my love, they're lying to you¨
viiii. never have i ever fallen for someone bathed in bleach
never will i ever love someone incapable of loving me.
x. this is the end and you're not my friend and the moon is dying and children are crying and you're leaving me behind and i'm letting you go
is this what it feels like to be alone?

i don't have the strength in me
to convince you to stay
so if you really want to go, go
i don't care either way.

stuck on nights that lead to coffee and headaches and maybe even nose bleeds
stuck on nights that lead to heartbreak and clothes on the floor and hands that shake and scream
stuck on nights that lead me to you.
i once fell in love so hard i broke every bone in my body
but that was nothing compared to the years i spent drinking about you.
rough edges, smooth bodies
sweet skin, tongue a bit too naughty
broken fingers, dead eyes
small hearts, big and ugly lies
if you hold me any closer i might fall again tonight.
you are my queen
queen of you mean the most to me
queen of butterflies and i can't breathe
queen of
"baby, it's not you, it's me."
but you keep coming back again.
stuck on relationships i can't let go and people that hurt me because they "love me the most"
stuck on stone skin that leads to stone walls and i love yous that turn into i hate you all
stuck on you.
i once caught a disease thinking you'd be right for me
and that killed me entirely.
i never met someone that made me puke out my guts
until i discovered not all sweet kisses are healthy or are even made of love
bones coated in sugar, thoughts that scream "don't keep her"
and i think you might be good for me.
if i smiled any wider, my cheeks would bleed
and if you hit me any harder, i think i might get weak in more than just my knees.
you are not the one
for me, and good god, you have no idea how badly i want you to be
you are not made to be loved
by me, and i swear on everything i tried to change these things
but our lungs just don't breathe well together.
stuck on girls that lead to mothers and friends that lead to lovers
stuck on suns that lead to stars and touches that lead to broken hearts
stuck on memories that lead me to you.
i've decided to break all my bad habits
no more biting my nails
no more picking my wounds
no more me falling in love with you
no more you, period.
you are my queen
queen of moving on
queen of doing everything but staying gone
queen of
"i love you, but i feel like you're leading me on"
and i think this is why we make goodbye's
i think this is why my mother cried and prayed to god i never fall in love.

what do you see when you look at me with eyes full of love and mouth full of disgust and skin full of distrust
what do you see?
i want to drown in every goodbadhurtfulsweet
thought you’ve ever had of me
i’ve been told that my skin in the perfect color
“i’ve never seen eyes that shade of brown”
“such pretty girls shouldn’t frown”
is that really all you like?

i’m not here for you
i’m not even really here for me
and i’m trying to heal from monsters you don’t know about
demons you can’t see
hiding behind giggles and the smiles you plaster onto me
this is what i’m supposed to be like
petite waist
luscious thighs
this is what people like you like

i don’t want to be me anymore
there’s this thing called hypervigilance  
the persistent feeling of being under threat
and i’m drowning
i’m drowning in my skin and my lungs want to breathe but
they don’t deserve to
it feels like there’s stone hands wrapped around my throat
my hands, your hands, the first boy i ever loved has his hands
even tighter
this pain is everlasting
i want to let go

i suppose i should thank you now
the person looking back at me
disgustingly brown eyes
deceiving lips  
“i’m broken”
i scream it to myself
“broken”
louder
“broke”
i say it until i bleed from anger
“ok”
these words are all the same
rhymes no different from the last
but this is me now
this is me when my bones are made of glass

i feel like i could break if you slapped me any harder
but these are my hands getting *****
my hands that can’t stop turning skin colors
that it was never meant to be
i’m a canvas but my body doesn’t agree with me
what do you see?
am i an hourglass
am i perfect yet
am i everything you need
everything i need
what do you see when you look at me?