I see your dazzling light from far away.
Yet to think on it leaves a mark, a cut, a bruise.
And now I’m covered in those kinds of scars.

I sit here and ponder what could've been mine,
If I did something different.
If I’d said the right thing,
Spun the right lie.
Would you have held me then?

The sound of your laughs drifts through the days,
And chases me down, and takes me screaming into the night.
Where the wolves are waiting.

The only chance worth taking,
Is the one that leads me straight to you

To hear it straight up,
Your plans for your life,
The hollow room where your feelings should be,
They scream with a silence that's louder than words.
The wails of the nonexistent noise.

Your warmth pins me down and holds me tight
It strangles and suffocates,
My feelings won't drown
In the waves of your truth
In the waves of my pain.

The truth of your feelings,
The truth of your hollow ballroom that you hold me locked up in chains,
That dig into my wrist and impales me with spikes,
The days bleed into further longing,
And all I want to do is turn to you,
Fall into your embrace no matter hold much it hurts
For the jacket of outward spikes,
That you wear just for me.

Specially designed torture devices,
That leaves me screaming for days.
Showing more blood and bone than skin
And in my wails of pain,
You can find my heart left exposed,
Only to you.
Waiting and wanting to be hurt again.
For your presence is worth the pain.

The image burnt into my mind.
Of your hands on someone else.
Blushing at their compliments
And laughing at jokes not funny
Dancing and staying up late.
Tackling them and ending up in a heap on the floor,
Then kissing them because you want to do nothing else.
Saying you care about them more.
More than anyone.

The things I've said to you,
The dreams I've dreamt of you.
The parts of me I wanted only you to see.

Yet you turned away and swore to fate,
That you wanted their quirks over mine.
You want them.
You don't feel anything like that towards me.
You are not okay with me wanting you.

You do not need me.
You could turn away and never say hi again
You could turn away without a care in the world
Never look my way again.
Erased from your life without a backwards glance.
Be honest you say
Be open, you say.
Want me to be honest,
I HATE YOU.
STOP RUINING MY LIFE

Just please get out of my thoughts, my life.

Hate and love.
North pole and south pole,
Either side of my globe.
My planet of emotions for you.
Hate and love bind together in ice and fire.
Deadly.
But you are in another universe,
And the planet of you and me is empty.
It's just me.

All alone.
Burning in eternal fire.
The only person on the entire planet
And yet your false presence is there
Cradling me in a soft embrace.
Your kind words and your open laugh.
Love.

You are there in the harsh word of reality.
They slice through my life with a razor sharp blade.
In the 2am words that doomed us forever.
Hate.


Moving on is hard.  
We have to rewrite the narrative,
Rewire my brain.
Never. Ever. Shall I forget this.
The magical mystery ride of you and me.

From more to less on your demand.
Let me strip away my heart,
At your command.

I will get over you.
See you as my friend.
Take the necessary actions to ensure there will be an us in our future.

But what if it's too hard?
This rotten fruit of my love,
That I want nothing to do with.
This gross feeling of betrayal.
Will it ever fade?

Will I ever look at you without that mess in my brain?
Without hearing those words.

I will.

I won't be that person who doesn't want friendship, only wants love.
Too shallow.
Too broken.

I will fight for this, not for you, but for us.

To give up hope.
To give up on love.


For you.

The one who doomed us from the start.

Long ago, I opened my heart.
I let someone in.
They didn't quite fit though.
So I paused, and then promptly expanded my chest,
Expanded my heart to fit in your love.
It didn't work out, but my heart was now too big to be shattered.
I was still so full of hope that I refused to let go.

I put a sign out that said:
“All welcome.”

And someone came in with sunshine and cheer, an enthusiasm I wasn't expecting.
And yet again, they couldn't fit.
So I expanded my heart once more.
Pushed out from the inside
To let them fully in.
But while I was under renovations, the doorway swung shut.
They were barred from the door.
There's only room for one in here and I haven't fully moved out the ants,
They crawl and creep and fester and weep.
So I pulled on my mask and pulled out the poison.
Ready to **** anything and everything in sight.
To destroy every crack and crevice, filling it with hate,
Ready to be done with the festering creatures.

But was disrupted by a little knock.
I suppose I never took the sign down.
The sun wasn't in sight and the former prospect was gone.
Only the silver rimmed clouds and it was starting to rain.

The fat heavy drops that drowned out the sorrow.
Made it feel a little cozy inside.

But standing there in the soft quiet rain.
A boy.

Waiting to see me.

Maybe he was always there.

Maybe he’ll never leave.

But I opened my door and stepped into the rain.

I dont think I’ve ever felt soft drops on my skin,
Don't think I’ve ever felt something so real, something so fresh.
And it didn't matter that the sun was gone because a light shone from your heart so bright.

Too bright.

Too good.

I should've known it was all a lie.
A web waiting to catch those innocent flies.

But I will never complain, for the ants moved out the day that you knocked.
Maybe they knew the rule about one.

They shuffled out the door single file.

And yet when I went out to invite you out of the rain,
When I stood aside to let you come in,
You pulled away.
Only ever so slightly, a miniscule flinch.

You peered round and called it beautiful.
You made my little heart feel ever so special.

But it wasn't special enough.
And so the boy in the rain chose the rain over me.

Sometimes I hear him calling my name.
I don't know if it's him or only a shadow,
But it lights my heart with a small fire, and fills it with a stifling heat.
It feels like a way of drawing me out.
Into the rain.
To let it slide down my cheek.
Fall over my brows and into my eyes, then down to my lips.
Occasionally I step outside, just to see.
If any of it is real.
And there seems to be a melody that whispers on these nights.
A soft little tune.

And the rain turns to you, and then,
It's you sliding a finger down my cheek.
Pressing my shirt to my chest.
Running your hands through my hair.
I’ve never felt so alive.

But then, almost as fast,
I twirl around and you're gone.
In a small little flash.

So I run to my heart and throw open the windows and doors,
In case you decide to stop by.
And dance a little as lightning flashes by.
To my own little tune that I invented just for you.

But soon, the rain stopped, and there was still no sun.
Just endless grey clouds threatening to come in.

So I put my heart on display and now people walk by, and occasionally pop in for a second or two.

To look around the massive shell I have in my chest.
Some press their ears to it to see if they can hear the ocean.

They don't know that the only echo of water around,
Is the dried tears that I spilt, all over the ground.

I suppose the clouds eventually got in,
But the shadow of the downpour never quite left enough room for two.

People stand and wave a safe distance away, and maybe the blanket of clouds is a blessing, and a cover from the sun.

And maybe the sun was forever waiting behind a blanket of grey.
Maybe I was only waiting till night when I could pull back the clouds and reclaim the sky.
Decorate it with fully formed constellations. Maybe I was destined to find shapes and meaning when there was none.
And maybe that is why I could never let it be night.

But it cannot always be day.

And as times turn,
my heart starts to feel awfully hollow,
And my head is full to bursting.
Praying on repeat,
For the rain to come again.

But forevermore, my heart shall be ruled by the final ant that won't leave, and the shadow of a boy who never intended to stay.

Green is my friend, she once told me a secret.
Green said, “one day I’ll hold your hand.
Green will paint the carpet of moss under our toes.
Green will hang from the branches in tendrils.
Green will starkly contest the blue sky.”

Green leaned in as she talked, our breath twirling together in clouds of white.
Green laughs gently as I blush pink from our proximity.
Green fills my vision.
Green is all I can think as she whispers my name,

“Blue.”

Green the colour of life.
Green the colour of my love.

Sharp pain is my life
It spirals and turns
Twisting into knots so complex that only the darkness can be held.
We learn and we love and we live
In a broken world where sorry doesn’t mean I care, and I love you doesn’t mean I’ll stay.
We’re sitting ducks,
Bound to fall from the sky in a shower of faith
And drop faster than air
And smaller than life.
The pain is a full throb,
An ache from a far away life
Past the barriers I’ve built around my stone raging heart.
These walls seem to live and to flow and to breathe.
In.
Out.
In.
Out.

Let your mind and soul collide in a moment of silence where only the crickets will chirp.

For why would you sing in a long broken world.
Why would you swim in a soft little desert?
Why would you fly in a cage made of concrete.

How can we soar without any wings
How can we dream without any snores

What has this world come to, to feel so alone, in a world overpacked, with rooms overfilling.
Yet each one has a heart with a cage made from steel, and the barriers too high to ever break free from.

Farewell me to a place where dreams die, and lay me down, and forever I’ll cry.

But why would you cry in a heaven made perfect?

In amongst this rubble we met.
I suffer and you suffer and yet through the harsh words we call our own, one can find the truth.
We are at school, we are at home, yet nowhere at all.
Stuck in the inbetween.
Who are we to live such lives?
Are we stars that sit and twinkle all our lives before fading away into darkness?
Or do we fly across the sky in a bright flare, burning and too bright to last.
Either way, we are space junk… burning up and destined for endless darkness.
Quick.
Choose your life.
Know who you are.  
Work hard, and then work even harder.
Who are they to give us a choice?
What difference would it make?
We are no one compared to the glory of Jesus, yet He says we are enough.
Does that make us worthy of being?
Does that give us an excuse to patch together lies and weave a net across the sea?
The fish we would catch would have brilliant blue scales and yellow fins.
They would flip around on the deck of our boat and instead of suffering they die.
Their spirit moving on to the next dimension.
How fun this next dimension must be to accommodate these funks and quirks.
Imagine.
A place where you can eat giraffe spots and deep-fried zebra stripes.
Who gave us such an imagination to be able to ponder such wild concepts?
Yet within the maze of life we tackle through the loads of homework and give excuses when overwhelmed.
The piles build up and we create little houses within the pages.
In the houses live little people with little problems and little lives.
They have little gardens and say little hellos to other little people.
Do they look at us and think we are strange?
Do their hearts rip and tear when they hear of our names and how little they mean?
Why should we give prejudice to ducklings when the world agrees that yellow *****?
Can we not have one thing that makes sense?
Can we have one thing that can be without exceptions?
That is all I ask in this crowded chaotic chapter in my life.
I look to the sky each day and revel in the endless blues that seem to go on forever, yet still encompass us tightly.
Words and words and words.

Crazy how you turned my world upside down.
Crazy how I can’t think straight when you’re around.
“Interesting.”
Interesting. I want to shove the word back where it came from. Take back your words take back your hate. The things I’ve seen are not click bait.
They’re real, they’re here.
And sometimes they build into a deeper fear.
Never will I ever drown in the waves of you.
I will not let this form emotional glue.
I’ll hold myself together, I won’t stage a coo.
But sometimes I wish.
That I didn’t need to.

Why do you cry?
Because I’m so sick of not being okay.

So sick of my loss of appetite.
My constant need for pain.
Why can’t I be happy?
Wholly and unconditionally. Must there always be a load, weighing me down?
Where’s the balloon?
That I can tie to my wrist and let pull me away?
Why must life be so full of death?
So many questions.
So many answers that continue to allude me.
So I look to the sky.
To the stars.
And….
Dream.
Of a day when someone will ask me.

Why do you cry?
And I can answer,
Because I’m finally okay.