dearest you,

my mind is like a blank paper, seems to be waiting for someone to write it a letter. i do not know how to think, what to say, or how to even breathe. in the past, i have seen the hard things in life pass right through me, and i haven't even bothered to react. it looks like i have never been hurt.

this is not a poem, but rather a letter to my parents telling them that yes, i may be young but i know the feeling of debilitating effects of numbness. that yes, i may be young but i understand the feeling of wanting to drown your overwhelming sorrows in alcohol, smoke, or the company of another person.

this is not a poem, but rather a letter to my family in which i express that the things i've been interested in aren't wrong. this isn't something i picked up off the internet or from a movie; this is something i've felt my whole life. i've come to the realization that i can love anyone the same way i love myself despite their differences.

this is not a poem, but rather a letter to my first love, in which i confess my desire and embrace the tender heart that dwells within me for you. while i understand that you may not believe me or ever see me with you again, the love that i have for you remains in every word i've written to you since it is only when i write my true emotions come out. however, the love that i have for you will only live on in every letter i send you.

this is not a poem, but rather a letter to my mind, in which i convey my view that it is alright to overthink, but that it is never tolerable to forget to breathe. you can't imagine your life without the adventures and warmth you've enjoyed. there is no way to live without conflict or hatred, just as there is no way to live without grieving or shattering. all of this builds to your self. so what's the point of changing it?

this is not a poem, but rather a message to my heart, in which i ask why you are acting as if you don't worry? scared to emerge from the shadows, scared of being crushed, why are you acting as if you are unable to love, as if you are unable to change the world, and as if you are unable to follow those dreams that are passing behind your closed eyes?

this is a letter to them, in which i wonder as to why they are fascinated with who to love at such a young age. why not just wait for it to cross the border? and if it's lost, why are you still there? being in pain and staring as if you are not wanting to try make it today.

this is not a poem, but rather a letter, written to you and your heart and mind in essence. a letter to anyone who wonders while they slumber their laments floating away into the night.

this is a letter from someone who is full of hope and desire to make a difference and leaving a word that you will not be entirely fine if you are not going to beat the whispers from hell.

always and forever,
amanda

~
5:52am
The bright morning sun comes out to play,
considerable yawns
and we are all awake,
anchored in the reef,
ready for its mischief

11:16am
The children excitedly point starboard
to a school of dolphins
leaping for joy as they go by,
little hands wave hello and goodbye,
'thank you' in their eyes,
etched now in their little minds
as a timeless memory

3:31pm
Everyone is napping,
except my significant other,
she slips off her clothes
and enters the afternoon water
for a bit of meditative bathing,
the shimmer of light
reflecting off her beauty
as a siren of Anthemoessa,
I cannot help but somnolently observe
do I dream this belief?
or do I believe this dream?

9:47pm
The boat rocks gently to
the rhythms of the sea,
the stars overhead form
a celestial blanket,
sheltering, enveloping,
their far off twinkles
telling us a story
—a time for spindrifting
—a time for bed
~

Many a man can roll up his sleeve
raise his elbows for a fight
But it takes a stronger man
to lower his hands
and leave when he knows its right
I’m not one for defeat
and have me beat
But If I’m ever half that man
You will have me found
standing my ground
letting down, just one hand

Many a man can
let loose their screws
and explode with words of sorts
But it takes a mindful man
to remain subdued
taking captive every thought
I’m not one to refrain
or lose my brain
But if I’m ever half that man
I’d like to think I’m kind
give a good piece of my mind
and hopefully they’d understand

Many a man can spin their own yarn
and tell a tale without a flinch
But it takes an honest man
to not spin spam
and not sway from truth an inch
I’m not one to lie
I’m an honest guy
But if I’m ever half that man
I’lI tell the whole story
and then and if only  
leaving out the details where I can

Not many a man can
resist or tame the flame
of passion or fire
For there are but a few
who are able to
harness the lust of fleshly desire
Now sometimes I burn
and yes, I yearn
But if I’m ever half that man
I can look and not touch
and if it goes and gets too much
well, I suppose, I am who I am

The urges and thoughts
toy with my heart
my mind collapsing in
what feels like slow motion

Old habits revitalized
like a dying need
to **** in a breath
after my soul being
bound and *****

A torturous nightmare
intertwined with the shadow
of truth and surrealness

Funny how trauma can forever
stain the mind with so many
shades of colors from the
darkest of blacks to hauntingly white

My quiet hell from the past
where self-sabotage, fear
and delusional trust collide

Deciding to live resiliently
I stride forward while fighting this endless silent war,
to reclaim my sense of self-worth

Putting my heart on paper
I know I am alive

I’ve been spoken to countless times in the endurance of my existence
They speak to my mind
They expand on concepts and experiences wishing to hold my attention
I’ve learned and learned and gathered information to accumulate wisdom
I’ve read
I’ve listened
I’ve digested

How refreshing it is to have someone speak to my heart.

He embraced the chaos of teaching a soul the lessons he once had to learn as she painted his voice like the melody it became

Silent thoughts and gentle conversations ease the mind awake
Fluttering eyes and lips pressed gingerly against your forehead
You pull your arms around me and sigh sweetly when you know I’m still there burry your head in my neck and move a little closer to
Mumbled good mornings and unheard “I love you”s
Creeping fingers up your arms to find your face in by hands
tired half smiles dancing on your lips
I crave the moment where you brush my messy hair from my eyes  
Your fingertips pressed into my skin
An arm tightening around my waist lift my head to yours
And once again I know your mine
Chasing fleeting dreams as I remember memories of how I dreamed these moments would be
So sweet and precious as we awoke
Silently but together
To live to laugh to love means nothing without you

~

even as the last crumbs fall
i know they'll not lead a mouse to the truth
nor lay a path for one's escape

one cannot blame hell on a devil that does not exist
or pray to an angel whose arrows always miss
love is neither a burden nor a gift

love just is

~