I lost my daydreams for a while.
The bounce, the charm, the myrth, the smile.
All locked within the sleeping child
That I buried deep in the wild.

And yet, my fantasies resumed.
The undecayed body exhumed.
My girlhood rose from her repose,
The bright side of life to expose.

I had a dream where I was in the middle of the sea on a small boat sailing to the unknown. I do not know if there was another soul accompanying mine, I may have seen a shadow or felt a presence. But I was struck by the awe beauty of the sun gracefully setting before me, it was bright lavender-pink. How divine! How perfectly sublime that scene was. But only I witnessed it. Alone, abandoned, and abhorred.

I looked around me for a clue of where I might be, but there was nothing. Nothing but a sea of crashing waves, and the still water underneath me. I, lost in a sea of nothingness without a compass nor a destination. Without a soul to soothe my frantic heart. Nor the tender touch of a lover’s hand gently pressed on my aching skin. But the sky was greater than my melancholy! It spreads like an endless cry, and its silent echo pierced my heart. I may have found peace for a brief moment there.

I then noticed the shimmering water that had scattered flickers of gold from the sun’s reflection, and I ardently longed to drink its glittering movement. Every glittery drop of water was solely trying to carry my heavy ocean of grief. I came to realize that when the sun and water kissed, the color gold was born. The sun’s final act of love was to surrender itself to the sea. To willingly drown in it. To melt into it; completely, each night. At dusk the two will always merge into one another—

But I, what was I to offer? Who was I to surrender myself to during love’s hour? Into whose arms shall I melt? I saw only insomnia’s fiendish grin when I tried to sleep. The never-ending night passes through me with its sharp silence leaving open wounds. Sometimes, it swallows me, and I remain consumed for months in its cruel solitary darkness. Ever since, I grew to fear the sun’s mournful absence, and I worshipped its light like a sunflower

—My anguished soul wished to cease this heavenly dream for eternity, and hold it close to my tormented flesh till I am healed. For I have never felt such profound waves of sadness and serenity. And before I awoke, I thought, “Even the sea cannot bring me consolation”.

I wonder if he
still sees me in his dreams

Or if he is
dreaming of another

Does the heat of
August burn his skin

Like his
cold absence burns mine

Why do I still ache
for him?

Oh darling one,
I fear I may have been
but a passing dream to
you

Tonight,
I am grieving my self

How I let my hair grow
How you let me go

How your cold absence burns
more than the heat of August,
more than a cigarette to my lips

I cannot sleep,
I think I’ve become my grief,
I admit you make me weak

My ugly mouth is stained
with cigarette kisses

It knows only the heat of a burning match
lighting a harmful kiss after another

I long
for my fingers to smell of her
and not the cigarette smoke