I think I'm addicted to the pain of wanting someone I can't have.

I gave my sight to the sky
And watched the clouds collide
Saw the spinning universe as I never had before
And felt the world fall at my feet

I gave my breath to you
And said all things I should’ve
Shouted all the obscenities
And whispered all the sweet nothings

I gave my mind to you
And lost every inch of myself
Washed away every memory
And disinfected any individuality

I gave my body to the earth
And pushed my rotting flesh into the soil
Buried these withered bones in the clay
And felt the heat rise from its core

Paint me a picture
Of your skin
Does it bronze beneath the sun?
Or sizzle and blush
Like your cheeks
When you’re in love?
Is it soft to the touch
Like when your palms graze
The smooth surface of water?
Or rough around the edges
Like your favorite book
And its lovingly worn corners?
Does it melt in the heat
Like sweet syrupy treats
Dripping through your fingers?
Or does it welcome the winter
With wide open arms
As if greeting a lover?
Paint me a picture
Of your skin

you burned down
like the end of a cigarette
singed my fingers
with your flame
but you died out
with every breath I took of you
and left me with only ashes
to show for it

It takes you to the past
forgetting the present

It makes you relive the happy moments
or creates repeated sad moments

It makes you wish everything was different
or you could turn back the hands of time

It makes you wail uncontrollably
or go completely mute

It makes you see life anew
and enjoy every moment all through

It’s grief and it’s different for me and you.

Laying in my bed curled up
Acid in my throat because I didn’t eat
Clenching my fists around my blankets because I can’t sleep

Are you thinking of me?
Laying in a tent, uncomfortably,
Snuggling close to your fluffy white dog or your younger brother to stay warm.

Are you missing me?
No. Not the way I’m missing you
You’re not thinking of me the way I’m thinking of you
And though it means the world to me that a beautiful soul like yours is friends with a storm cloud like me, it shatters my heart into thousands of sharp, jagged pieces that you’re
~ just ~
my friend.

“I’m sorry but I need to know, is it mutual? It’s alright if it’s a no, I can handle it, I just want you...to be honest”
A pause...
Then the raindrop falls.
“Right now, it’s a no”

Ripples.
Right now.
Right now.
Right now.
No.
No.
No.
STOP.
I care about you so much, I know I need to let you go, so you would never read this, and I would never show anyone this.
It’s all swirling around in my chest, faster and faster until it explodes, word ***** and tears.
I love you.

I didn’t tell you I loved you, only that I had feelings for you.
Why bother? It would’ve made things more painful for me, more bitter for you.

But I can’t show you this.
I don’t want you to change.
I don’t want you to change the way you speak to me, to change your mind when you’re about to type a heart emoji,
to stop yourself after just saying “goodnight” and leave out the “baby”

This is my undoing, not yours, and I want you to keep letting me be your anchor, your shoulder, your shield, my open arms waiting to catch you when you tumble from your flight.
I can’t keep loving you, I can’t stop loving you.
I want to stop feeling at all.