There's this thing about worship
that I often forget.

You see it's not just this thing
that we do on Sunday.
It's every day;
Every breath and movement of our hands
is done because we understand
that God's grace is not a prize we won.

It was a selfless giving of His only son
that He gave to rend our chains undone
and bring us into relationship with Him
by the victory over sin that we proclaim He won!

Yet somehow life still becomes some kind of rat race
trying to appear holy and saving face
with no admittance that we still need grace
and our response to that grace just kind of...

Disappears.

And then I wonder why I don't see His face,
why I'm not moved by His Word
why I'm not changed by His grace.
I wonder why I don't want Him around,
while my wrists are secretly bound
with shackles I like too much to take off.

But on Sunday morning I pray to be free
to realize that this Jesus did die for me
so that I could be with Him where He is one day,
yet day to day, I almost never say

God, I need you, and I'm not okay.

And I know it doesn't have to be this way!
I know He gave His Spirit, He promised that He'd stay
With me until the end of the age
and even in my deepest darkness His love for me is still the same
But God, oh God, I'm so ashamed
of all the things I've done while periodically praising Your name.

But there is no condemnation from You, You say.
You invite me to turn and run away
Into your arms and that I'll be changed--
That You will give me a new heart
and remove all of this shame
If I'd just confess my sin to You, You'd take the pain.

So I beg, and beg, that every day
My response to You would be the same
To run to You and admit my need
For Your grace, for Your love
above everything.

That I'd never not be responding
with my life, my work, and all my talking
to the Christ that stepped into time
to make me His, and make Him mine.

When the storms rage in my head
When I'm drowning in my dread
When I'm living like I'm dead
There You are

When I have no hand to hold
When I've lost sight of control
When I can't be strong or bold
There You are

And even though I see no sign above
I'm asking You to give me strength to trust

God You say that You're good
but everything I know
seems so out of control
And I can't make sense
of where you are in all this mess
and all I feel is my distress

But you say You're here
Could I know You're here?

Lord, You set the stars at night
You command the sun to rise
And when I open up my eyes
There You are

Oh, You calm the wind and waves
raised a dead man from his grave
with an arm that's strong to save
There You are

And even though I see no sign above
I'm asking You to give me strength to trust

God You say that You're good
but everything I know
seems so out of control
And I can't make sense
of where you are in all this mess
and all I feel is my distress

But You say You're here
Could I know You're here?

Here I lift this knife
Poised to take this life
You say stay your hand
Oh please, stay your hand
There's a better way
I will take your place
And you'll never be alone again

God I know that You're good
Take everything I know under Your control
I don't have to make sense
of how You're using all this mess
with love eclipsing my distress

And You say You're here
And I know You're here

Did I choose this life
Or did it choose me?
Did I take the path I took
believing I was free?

Was it me that took the first step?
If it was I'm not sure why
my ankles and wrists have scars
from where pain pulled me along
and all the while you know
I sang a happy song
convinced that I'm right where I belong

Here.

Here is where my deepest
fears are all covered up by
dear friends that I just met yesterday
But it's like I've known them my whole life
convinced beyond all doubt that
this is what freedom feels like

They like me after all
These people who chant the happy song
along with me, blissfully unaware that
none of us are really free.
In reality it's all one big scheme
cooked up by our darkest memories
because remembering hurts too much
with pain we'd all rather not touch

or talk about

God forbid we doubt this happy song we sing
or realize all the pain that truth might bring
So we'll carry on in hope
that our pretending doesn't go up in smoke

So let's have a conversation now while we can
about all the things kept behind the door
to your closet filled with ***** laundry
that's been there for years
damp with tears that no one ever saw you cry
You swear you'd die if anyone did.
Because in there you hid after what you did
or what you had done to you

Me too.

If I'm honest, I need you
The monster got me too.
Trauma and tragedy that turned me
into whatever the heck I am now

but somehow I'm still here

And believe me when I say I know;
Underneath all your fears
you're dying to hear that
you weren't the only one.

You weren't.

We didn't choose this road
pain told us we had to take it
that we had to fake it or get eaten alive
that this was the only way to survive
but if this is all there is I'd rather die!
Don't tell me that all I can do is hide
Don't tell me to just pretend away
all the shame and self-hate
as if I were assigned some cruel fate
Where I feel like I'm nothing forever

Never!

I refuse to keep living a lie
No, pain, you can't make me
though I know you tried
I'm awake now and your credibility is fried
your access to my heart denied
I've cried enough in solitude and silence
Your violence ends today.

So in this my brother I pray for you
That you find that this is true
That your life is more than an empty tune
That pain said you had to sing.
The you that God intended you to be
Let him out, He set him free
Through blood spilled to wash him clean

This is the new song we have to sing.

give me a gold dress
to match my soul

tonight
you don't deserve it
but i shed another tear for you

Ito ang kahulugan ng pangalan mo,
Ikaw ang liwanag sa madaling araw,
Ang unang kislap na pumupunit sa dilim.
Ikaw ang simula ng umagang kay ganda,
Na nagkukubli sa haba ng gabi,
Habang umaawit ang magdamag.
Sumalungat ang hangin sa sikat ng araw
Kaya’t patuloy kang nagniningning.
Tiyak na naiinggit ang mga bituin
Sapagkat higit kang marikit kung ihahambing.
Ang buong maghapon ay tila isang panaginip.
Saan ba nanggagaling ang iyong ningning?
Nagmula ka pa sa kabilang kalawakan sakay ng bulalakaw,
Tila ganyan ang iyong pagdating.
Sige lang patuloy kang magningning
Nang magliwanag ang buhay na madilim.

What are heavy? sea-sand and sorrow:
What are brief? today and tomorrow:
What are frail? Spring blossoms and youth:
What are deep ? the ocean and truth.