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Whisper Yes Oct 2017
Sexually there was a roughness
You would stuff it into me
Without any softness or gentleness for yourself

Except paradoxically there was a softness
You were soft
You struggled to get fully hard

Oh the irony
How the body will create its own balance

Now that's changed
You have no problem getting hard

My softness opened you up
To sensuality, to eroticism, to life?

I can feel your desire for me
Your need for me

You let me get on top of you now
Often
You didn't used to

Now we silently negotiate
I surrender to you
And you surrender to me

Trusting me, allowing me to wrap you in my softness
You are crying out for my gentleness

You won't admit it but it is the antidote to your push push mentality

You look at me - really seeing me

*** is the place where our need for one another over flows
It's the place we are truly allowed to need each other

I need you. **** I need you
Your absence rips at my heart
Whisper Yes Oct 2017
I want to stay
I thought you were going to be the one to show me how
I thought that despite everything
You were going to love me enough to stay

I thought that you would see through my self sabotaging *******
That you would understand the truth
Which is that I don't know how to stay
To stay is terrifying
To leave is my default
Leave you before you have a chance to hurt me

Show me how to stay
Don't let me back away
Keep coming for me
Keep loving me
And I promise you all my ******* would melt away
Like snowflakes
The ******* would evaporate
Whisper Yes Oct 2017
How to explain
How to find the words to bring the inner confusion and unspoken thoughts out
There’s a place I can do it
A place I can speak the unspeakable
Don’t panic, noisy head, confused heart, little girl, strong woman
Don’t worry, try to trust, try to keep the beauty in your heart
You don’t have to understand it all, or any of it
Be gentle, try and be gentle
Give into being listened to, ask the little girl questions
She wants to be heard, she wants to be understood, she wants to be encouraged
To be found beautiful, to feel special and to feel loved
Jealous thoughts and feelings hurt, they hurt
Accept them, feel them, allow them to pass
Say f*ck it and don’t worry.
Fear of ending up with the wrong person...
I want health in my life, I want comfort, I want a home
I want connection
I want to be confident, I want to be compassionate, I want to be kind
I want to be honest, I want to do what I say I will
I want to have integrity, I want to be peaceful within myself
I want to recycle
I want to be engaged in the world
To accept myself and feel enough
To be grown up enough, and to have enough self-respect to behave well
To think positive thoughts about myself and others
To have a family
To belong.
Whisper Yes Oct 2017
Goa
Expanse of sand
Expanse of ocean
Expanse of sky

People with stories
On a beach with as many
In a country with more

Stories I don’t understand
But can feel

Aging hippies
People on the run
The run from normality

There’s a sadness
A sadness in the too thin aging women

Tattoos drooping
On the run from time

Goa
Beautiful and used

A story to tell
The aging hippy dream

Let it go?
Whisper Yes Oct 2017
Begin
Because of it all
Not in spite of it all
Begin
Take the step
Palms softly open
Heart trembling but willing
The gentle, truthful tremor of not knowing
I do not know
I do not know
I love
But I do not know
Cannot know
Should not know
But what you do know is that you must
You must step toward
Don't think
Feel and then act
Fall into the vortex
The flow, the pull
Step into it
Allow yourself to be swept up, holding soft center but allowing the momentum
Allow the undoing
The becoming
Slowly, slowly, slowly
Whisper Yes Oct 2017
9 years sober, 9 years without a drink
A daily choice, a daily choice not to drink
Today, today I choose not to
As a child growing up in Aberdeen, northern Scotland in the 60s
Alcohol was the norm – it was the culture
Drink hard, work hard
My father’s father, my grandad was a drinker and fighter, it was all he knew
Work hard, drink hard, never missed a day’s work
Come home on a Friday drunk out his mind, knock my grandma about
My dad as a boy couldn’t stand it, he would run to his aunties
Fear, shame, helplessness, insecurity, sadness, frustration, rage, anger, powerlessness, humiliation
For my father this is where the dance of addiction began, is this where it began for my grandfather 20 years previous?
And so it continues, passed down the generations
Alcohol becomes a coping mechanism, a way to dull the pain, silence the emotions
Escapism, a confidence boost, a way to feel better
Socially he drank, everyone did
He noticed some people could have 2 beers call it a night
He couldn’t
1 drink ignited the need for more, 1 was never enough
A wife, 2 daughters, a career in football
Things would happen, he’d stop for a while, couldn’t maintain it
A divorce, his life spiralling out of control, the drinking spiralling out of control
Rock bottom, rock bottom is usually the turning point, when we admit the alcohol controls us.
That’s when he found alcoholics anonymous and the dance of recovery begins…
The dance out of the darkness
Where he must retrace the steps out that led him in.
AA provided safety, understanding and friendship
A place to share, to feel accepted and heard
A place to learn how to begin to retrace those steps
And he has
To see the man he has become
The man my father is now
I am beyond proud
He changed the culture that he knew
And in doing that he showed me another way
Whisper Yes Oct 2017
Be open to my closedness
Resistance comes in many forms
Fear – is my resistance fear?
Fear of opening up, fear of going too far
Write, just write it all down
How it felt when she kissed my head and thanked me
Thanked me for speaking, for sharing
How it feels having a blanket placed over me
How it feels to have found a tribe
How to stay with self?
Just like this – by doing it
Answerable to no-one
Nothing to prove to anyone.
Relationship with men comes from relationship to father?
Don’t let them see all of me
Keep the wild, the introvert, the poetic soulful side back
Fit in with them, how they want me to behave
Don’t ask the challenging questions
Don’t hurt them
Don’t bring up hurtful topics
Don’t leave him – it will hurt him
Is it hurting me to stay?
Still don’t know
The other is constantly there.
Think of the possibility merely the possibility of resistance becoming connection
Don’t have to understand that sentence – don’t make sense of it
Merely consider the possibility.
Resistance becoming connection.
Can feel my mind working out the time, thinking about food
It’s all fine, observe the thoughts, don’t attach
The medicine is working, it is working
Don’t have to do anything
Go with the rhythm, trust the inner rhythm.
I can feel me here – no past, no future, just me.
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