I was told today to drop dead
to go away because I am annoying
I went home, shut my bedroom door
and immediately started crying
I've been told these words before
you think they would be easier to hear
Yet every time those words are said
I am consumed by my biggest fears
My emotional scars re-open
revealing a vulnerable part of me I try so hard to hide
I'm taken back to seven years ago
when my only thoughts were of suicide
I don't mean to be annoying
I can't help who I am
I'm sorry I'm not good enough
but there is no way you will forgive me is there?
This is what happens when you care so much
you tend to get hurt
This is why I build up walls
because humans are the worst
So I sit here writing this poem
on my cold bathroom floor
Letting my tears fall down my face
as I try to mend my heart that you just broke

Funny how the good/nice guy never gets the cake and always finishes last. Im bound to always be on the side lines. What the **** is the point in caring when all you care for is tainted, battered and ruined. ******* hopeless romantic os all I'll ever be. Mainly hopeless. For the fact that I have yet to find another. Whos true. Whos real. It's all a lie, everything. My generation was rasied on lies, built upon death, greed and failure. We'll never know peace. It's a wasted youth, I'm a wasted soul, alike many others. Still hopeful for the end, the last suffering, the final cut on the lifeline. Eternal darkness.........Finally.....Peace.

I didn't mean to lose you. But the only thing I'm good at is pushing people who love me away.

Home is where I can curl up in bed
And recover from the world outside.
Home is where I can hear a calming timbre
And feel the chill of panic subside.

"Let's go home," take me home
I can't survive around all these people.
Can I go home, let's be home
What I can't predict is inherently lethal.

I want to ***** but I never ate.
I haven't breathed, I'll suffocate.
I'm hot and shaky, I'm shivering.
I'm gasping for air, I'm dying.

I forgot about reality, to be honest
Forgot how terrifying the world can be.
I forgot what it was to see others
I forgot what "living life," really means.

To live life, for me, is constant terror;
This city is made exclusively of rapists.
To live, for me, is to die before they catch me;
Every person is a murderer, a theif, an arsonist.

I was so comfortably wrapped in the cream of the crop
I forgot that other humans do live and exist.
I hit so many things on my long trip down
That seeing reality rationally is hit and miss.

I want to go home; where casual racism isn't an issue
As long as I don't open my door.
Where no one wants to hurt me, or scare me
In my little kingdom beneath the first floor.

I want to go home where I know what will scare me
Before I even pass it by.
I want to go home where the world doesn't remind me
About that knife, and death, and whys.

I want to go home. Back to the devil I know.
I am lost and unprepared.
I want to go home where I can live by not living
Locked in my room and so terribly scared.

I want to go home.

it's okay
even though you feel like the bones in your hands are breaking from holding onto everything for so long
and your head is aching from being wrapped around the things it shouldn't have to understand
it's normal
and don't worry about the bags under your eyes or how your ribs have been showing through your shirt
that's just a part of being a teen
your sleeping schedule doesn't matter as long as your school calendar is full
and who cares if you can't find it in you to smile, there's plenty of time for that after college
you'll be fine
and don't pay attention to that heart problem you've been having, you can't afford to miss first period again
how would it look if you failed comp 1?
don't forget to volunteer, but make sure you do your homework
give your all in class, give your all to your coach, give your all to your family, give your all to God, give your all to yourself
spread yourself out as far as possible, but make sure to hold everything in
you'll figure it out
because it's normal and okay and fine to **** yourself while setting yourself up for life
don't think about it too much
it's not that hard
just let go
but hold on
and change the world, but don't get too ahead of yourself
make the team, make the grades, make up work, make friends, make your life
but break yourself in the process