the tears are flowing
and i don't know if i am
happy or sad.
is my heart seeping through my shattered soul?
or is my joy leaking from the corners of my smile?
am i on top of the world?
or beneath it?
am i empty?
or bursting with emotion?
i never know whether my soul
is grinning or weeping.
are the tears
happy?
or
sad?

Have you ever been sad?
That one type of sad
When you feel tears burning your eyes
Your throat feels like its closing up
It gets harder to breathe
Your hands start to shake
But somehow you feel sad yet numb at the same time
You feel like you're about to fall apart but by some miracle you haven't
Your thoughts swirl in your brain
Your vision clouds over
Your mind is foggy
And you stop
And you think
I could be dead right now. I could so easily die tonight and that would be it. I wouldn't have to do this anymore. I could be dead by tomorrow.

And the worst part is
It should scare you
But it doesn't
It seems oddly welcoming

Have you ever been that kind of sad?

A year ago today I woke up.
And for the first time in years
The sun rose,
Its rays blinding me,
Not with helplessness
But with hope.
I stretched and the sadness slipped away
As the anxiety evaporated in the morning heat.

A year ago today I saw the world for the first time
All its bright lights and smiling faces.
I saw how wonderful it was to be alive.
I stood in the centre of the world
Consuming the beauty,
Breathing in the wonder.
To think I could've stayed asleep
And been oblivious to this place.

A year ago today I breathed a sigh of relief.
It had gone.
There was no longer a black hole within my heart,
Destroying my happiness.

Oh my god it is wonderful to be alive.

A year ago today I woke up.
And I smiled.
It was over at last.

thank you.
look at the life you have given me.
no, it's not perfect,
yes i still cry
but oh my god
it is wonderful to be alive.
remember how i used to hate myself?
well, i'm getting better
thanks to you.
i used to think i was worthless
but you made me see
i am magnificent.
i can't thank you enough
that my heart is beating.
yes my pulse is still weak
but it is getting stronger
i am getting stronger.
this time last year i cried in the rain
but today i danced in the puddles
of my disappearing sorrow.
you are amazing
and i love you
and i owe you so much.
thank you.
you saved my life.

Little do you know how I'm breaking while you fall asleep,
Little do you know I'm still haunted by the memories,
Little do you know I'm trying to pick myself up, piece by piece
Little do you know I need a little more time
Underneath it all I'm held captive by the hole inside
I've been holding back for the feel that you might change your mind.
I'm ready to forgive you but, forgetting is a harder fight.
Little do you know I need a little more time

my head hurts.
your love is pounding against my thoughts.
the whispers seep out of my skull
like the secrets that were hidden for far too long.
it's beautiful in a way,
the pain that your happiness has caused me.
how lucky i am to have been hurt by your smile.

i find it funny
that you think everyone
is bulletproof
when i know you
would shatter
like glass
at the slightest touch