they say time is a circle
so as we desperately fled it's clutches
we also hurried with open arms.
cat and mouse, oil and water
the story where you were jesus
and i the cross for you to bear

my lips are sewn shut
with a rusty needle and
your hair--
the sharp twine that keeps me from spilling open.
(contents under great pressure).
what would happen if I did?
hair can burn and shrivel
the caustic ash from a cigarette
and the prying of my small fingers.
but if I were to open wide
there would be no sound
Just rivets of tar and streaky blood ocean
and the seeds from the strawberry patch.
stuck in this glass box with no drain
I become the girl in the well
the ***** of babylon
judas' kiss.

i guess I'll finally get what you said I deserve

i remember when you told me you loved me--
i remember laughing at the irony
i remember the last time i saw you
your final expression frozen in time
crimson dribbles staining your bedsheets

(i have dug my own grave and
that is where you'll find me waiting)

it is now apparent to me,
the hole in my heart
is greater than the sum of its parts.

my mind's eye rolls
across the dusty, ashy floor
like the proverbial meatball in children's songs.

in it's place, maggots--
the same that feasted on your putrid flesh
when they pulled you from the drowning pool.

your body hot, yet a cold stiff blue--
the idea of the god you loved, you trusted
decaying alongside of you.

they took the scalpel to your splitting skin
and in that sterile room you bled--
not crimson, nor ruby, but white as the fallen snow.

puddles on the floor like coffee cream,
in the chapel he stared straight ahead,
a stranger's ******* in his pocket, smelling of dollar store perfume.

your books, browned, arrived on my doorstep,
i gathered all my arms could hold--
swallowing the parchment page by page.

once touching my devil's tongue
the frayed pages caught flame
a layer of soot coating my insides, acrid and bitter.

was i already viscous and curdled?
or was your ending just the catalyst?
roses bloomed across my cheeks, and fear.

as i lay me down to sleep,
and try to slice open the darkness in me
instead of blood, i see milk.

it's nights like these that i want
nothing more than to grip the wheel
of the suv that i don't pay for
forget the complacency of life in
this 1000 square foot cage
or the smaller cage
the one my bones made for me
the one that's never small enough

--she relies on me, you say
but when it's quiet my minds eye is lazy
diaphanous and turned inward.
untoward numbers
irreparable mistakes
the harsh slap of brevity
mirrored in the wet pavement

i see myself in it's penumbra.
i see myself in the windshields of the passing cars
their scintillating headlights
as addicting as the sharp inhale of our morning cigarettes
a slicing denouement to my woes.

--it's all i can do but not to turn the wheel
to do so would be evocative
(yet ineffable)--
but the excitement is ephemeral
as my minds eye blinks open
and yet again i am filled with ennui.
and yet again i turn off the ignition.

thin mints
thin lines
thin ice
"get thin now for the low price of
your soul and entire indisposable income"
thinning hair
thinning patience
thinning shears
"wow what an amazing deal!"


i'll take it

my resolve called a code and the nurse and
i need your help to stop the wailing--
give me a home and i can nurse you with
the blood under my skin. you see
i am **** and jello and your face is
such a sight for blind eyes and
please go buy flowers for me--
while they're still fresh in their graves/
when you go i'll molt my feathers and
choke on the honey you left me--
and with my red stained gloves
i'll cut your umbilical cord.
he'll be mine and i will be yours.

i am not the swan that graces azure ponds
i am not a barbie doll wrapped in polyethylene
then why must you look at me?
you could caress the nebulae that blink hopefully in the night sky
you could hold in your hand the green groves that span for thousands of years
i am neither and for that you should turn your gaze
please lift me off the pedestal
and throw me in the sewer where i can bathe in my own flesh
go find your muse amongst the forget-me-nots and roses
and forget me where you don't belong

i lift the blade like a glass of champagne
sweet on the tongue
heat bubbling up from some place that's
buried so deep that only the ashes
from the cigarettes i smoke and
the pitiful tears i choke back
can settle there.
here's to the new year
in a body that's a killer
and a mind that wanders
through field of dandelion and forget-me-nots
and forgets. What it's like to not have
that gnawing sense of urgency and worry
with every step i take down the inevitable path
that keeps spiraling out of my own control.
my heart is god knows where, i'd imagine its floating
in a sewer. decomposing. breaking down in to what
every unique human is exactly made out of.
ashes to ashes
and dust to dust
i'm so sorry i let you down in the worst way
please sleep peacefully.

Now I know what I've lost:
Reaching for what's nothing but unspoken heartbreak and icy air.
You've locked the door on me and rearranged your heart,
Now I don't know the code.

the only thing worse than
being looked at with disgust
is melting into the walls
and not being looked at
at all

you know you shouldn't wish for
the perverts at the bar to eat you up
their spider eyes crawling all over you
leaving a slime trail on your most
sensitive bits

but it feels so empty and cold
to be nursing a ***** slime
your lipstick and hair crying out
for even the vilest of men
and all you get is a
heyisyourfriendsingle?

i am transparent
i am unnoticed
i am baby hiding in the corner
but there's no one around to care

do whatever it takes to be that girl
drink too much baby duck
paint your eyes cotton candy
sharpen your nails into talons
but this only washes you out more
like an old rag hung to dry for eternity
when the maid has bought newer ones
more efficient/
prettier with bigger *****.

you might as well jump through the cracks
before you get kicked down there anyways.

i'm a speck of dust so small
in the vast emptiness of the sea
giants storm in from the sky
and spit poison down at me

the devil came to me one day
and made a plastic mold out of the girl
who was once flesh and bones like you
so
tell me of your secrets and hopes and dreams and god
and watch my rigid frame leak blood puddles
and paw inky hand prints on your puzzled face.

with the caress of the holy spirit i seize
and convulse against our father
who art in heaven
hallowed be thy--

at night i see him pray over me and  
sometimes i see you
and i wake up and try to revert back
to fastidious granite stone
and although his actions froze me solid,
yours melt
and i remember his heathen fingers
his touch turning snow driven skin
to the blackest hue of cancer

(thy kingdom come,
thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven)

if it's done in heaven as it is on earth
i would rather rot in hell

pull the plug on me before
i switch off the breaker.
perturbed you glance as
condolences roll off my lips
and fine sherry slips past them.
nothing was meant to be rosy and
in the black of our feelings,
the devil moves in me
as you are meant to.
the circuit in my halo
is calling *******
and bast is laughing,
coughing ugly colours from her lungs.
puce must be our hamartia
and when it dribbles down my face
i make leaf piles out of
the skin cells and ugly rivers,
and you take breathing for granted.

but you don't give up that easily,
and when i'm filling my bathtub with wine
you're there to lap it up.

the sorrow drips down like avenues
of cobbled mornings.
when you feel like writing a novel
but only manage a phrase--
when your thoughts can't make it past your brain,
let alone the page.
you breathe,
and exhale the frost that cracks the windowpane--
a touch and it shatters
the security and warmth,
to curl in bed and watch the stars on your ceiling.
the stars that blink out one by one
as your mind's eyes do.
but those of the human you love
supernova in front of you
your anchor to sentience ripped from the sea's
living room floor.
the living room, framed with pictures
of the ghosts and the whisperers--
and limbo' s pale door.

alas in my mind,
the last eye wanders down those avenues
and as your streets cobble too,
it shuts.

when you bite your lip and close your eyes
now I know why storms are named after people

creeping fingers,
crawling hands,
innocent at first--
innocent? not likely--
malicious more like.
the purity of your
polystyrene soul,
the unremitting cleanse,
the repent(the chase),
it's your lifeline. the
shocked look, saccharine power
held over tiny fawn--
****** clarity as they might,
oh dear incubus.
the power to end all
held in tiny fists.
this births not demon babes,
but a century of fear
and inadequacy.
downy kittens hardwired with
an inevitable self-destruct.
bring the world to it's knees,
incessant, indefatigable pathogen,
taking grasp of neurons, synapses.
good intentions yearned for the green light
while yours-- red as the blood rose
manifests in lovely lips
for eternity stained with **** wine--
the wine you brewed, you fermented
in the cellar of ******* and hatred.
the father, the son, and the holy spirit,
and the things that lie between.
blessed fingers, blessed breath
freezes as the stiff arms of your diocese.
hushed catholic whisper, angels to never
nearly achieve their wholly holy grail--
your kryptonite. secret looks, hasty deliverance,
catharsis.

Anything for a friend
Means not only petty favours
Or discounts on coffee.
Kindness, is it really?
At 3am, holding your hair back
Mouth waters, yearning for a taste
Of the promised land, so close.
Kindred matchstick kindle
Almost small enough to slip through the cracks.
"Malady, my lady, I have none."
Only silver strength and iron will.
Killing you with a smoulder, caressing lost lover
As surely as the nuMbing cOld finally maKes you feel anything at all.

when the medication wears off
what's left underneath?
is there a fault in your sadness?
or harsh metal between your teeth?

when you press the barrel to your head
whats going through your muddled mind?
have you finally achieved catharsis?
that one jewel you've yearned to find?

when you're lying on the bathroom floor
will you think of me?
or are you only excited for whats to come?
floating in the stars, gliding

(free)

how can i tell
the pleasure from the pain
when every searing teardrop
starts a hurricane?

"Lost in time, and lost in space, and meaning."


In the deepest damp trenches,

frigid air freezing jaded breath,

in clouds of caricature.

Where the lines blur

between mind palaces

and the lonely depths of outer space.

Where the wolf longs for forbidden paramour--

the moon.

Dented and worn,

battered, weak force,

caressing sweet dewdrops

that sear fevered flesh.

In these pits

Chronos sleeps,

light bends and refracts.

Whispers dance on bleeding tongues--

What is life to the leaves and grass?

Have the birds no concept

of solitude of the mind?

Not even Helios at his sharpest

could blanket the edges and hone warming craft,

to slip behind barred doors.

How frail one must be,

to seek the hollows of the earth--

to bow down to Erebus, to kiss his feet.

Lost in meaning,

and fumbling clarity.

in a dimly lit bucolic moon--
erstwhile a blooming, beauty,
riparian valley...
a widow worn down,
with beleaguer of ethereal sin,
spoke swiftly to the sky.

her verandah the ocean--
her audience the sparrows,
soft dulcet moans slipped
from seer's mouth.

the wafture of the waves reflected
in obsidian overcast iris,
vision surreptitious overcame her mind--
susurrous, her lithe body convulsed
in fits of meaningful jerks.
Although evanescent, she changed.

(Eyes clear, voice booming, not desultory in the slight)

she brooded for a moments flash,
quivering, uttered with but cerulean to listen,
what had played before her eyes.

what she knew with certainty.
the tragedy of the girl who's ashes--
floated in the summer breeze.
benevolent and altruistic,
taken advantage of at not thirteen.
in her woe, she jumped of the cliff
between clarity and fog,
into Hades firey wrath,
her body never found.

seer shook with violent tremours,
the ephemeral dove now chirped,
as she made way to the holy man,
the one to whom she was to confess,
a fugacious bone creaking draft
left her paranoid.
but what was a woman of her character to do?

once upon father's altar,
woman called to the dear messenger.
she hissed and requested
a private meet.
Startled, the priest led her to
iron doors of his quarters
when inside she barred the doors
with a sword from the hilt behind the passage.

now toward this evocative woman,
this man was not one of holy thoughts
her plump ***** tempted one
who had only before been promised to god.
but as she told him of what she had seen
he remembered the countenance
of last forbidden love.

red draining from innocent lips
leaving ugly guilt to forever remain
regardless of bleach and arsenic.
red hands to forever stay
perpetual stains on cleric robes
never the stark white of heaven again.

enraged priest pounced,
to which our dear heroine had no defense
spine slammed against stone wall,
head concussed and blurred.
our seer now decided (too late)
to always listen to ones bones.

she soon found a thick rope around her neck,
as she felt herself being violated below.
history repeats itself
all she breathed was damp, the mold.

when darkness took over her,
and her lungs tantrumed and kicked,
the priest took out the gleaming sword,
cackling, leaving a sweet wet trail
ruby necklace on white marble.

and he dragged her to the old well
boarded up and fading with age
a pungent putrid smell wafted up
a remainder of what the priest thought
were days long gone.

the seer, with her dark charcoal hair,
and omniscient clear gaze,
fell awkwardly on top of not one,
but seventeen.

the priest had fun once too.

God knows
I can't ******* sleep
When you aren't here.

I miss the times,
when I was a real girl.

What pretty words flow,
From carpel tunnel hands!
Fingers click clock on keyboards,
Time sifting like sugar.

Creativity ebbs and flows--
Like the gentle rock
Of cerulean tide,
Lulling soul after soul to sleep.

The smell of arabica,
And chicory soup
Stifles surreptitiously--
(Twentyfourseven)

With admiring eyes
I glance down at the stark white background--
My bones ache for the lush black ink
To be my own words!

But until then I'll sit at the bottom
Of this empty poetry well,
Chain smoking and longing
To be on that **** front page.

Tell me of a time
When like a bluebird I sang
Lilting elegance and innocence
For I can't recall
What it was like
To fly free
Whipping winds caress
Blue feathers.

Blue feathers
Rough hands
Cold hearts

Blue was stained black so long ago
No trace of cyan
No aquamarine
No cerulean hue

Indian ink ****** upon wings
Soaking like tar puddles
Sticking feet to floor,
Turning such body into
Toxic/cancer cage
The vulture stands just outside
Pecking at bluebirds heart
Such devil would feel of stone
Killing a mockingbird~
A mortal moral sin.

Fresh dawn and rain washes black feathers
Slowly, but surely nonetheless
Maybe one day
Blue will blend on blue again
Wafting fragrant flowers bloom
And vulture starve on happiness

Sometimes I wish to float
On the hush of a whisper
Silent shuffle of fall leaves
To observe
Gently, cautiously
The sparrow's solemn song
The bubbling effervescence
Of fresh liquid love
To see
What the hare does
When no one is there
To see if urban/suburban
Busy pandemonium
Has burrowed and tunnelled
Wrecking mothers beauty
Or if she wraps her cloak
Around young fawn
And comforts the valley
Into warm solid sleep

Flowing voice-
such a sweet aria!
only such arabesque
allegretto beauty
could ameliorate
shakespeare, mozart
with only mere words.

Andante ambiance
azure bliss blossoms
when gaze meets gaze.
lovely cadence
your dusty rose lips
whisper dulcet
promises of eternity
Oh eternity!-
how short it does sound!
But yet eternity
must efflux at some time

we will hold eachother
in the next eternity
and the one after

In the depths of shadow and sin
Lay a hopeless young fowl~
Born into dalliance with darkness
An ephemeral beginning nonetheless,
But soon claimed for the one below~
How fetching such hardship!

Kindled hope had been jostled away,
The young fowl never noticed~
For how innocent it had been!
Innocent and oblivious.
How blind the bird was, to what could have been!
One can not miss something one never knew.

The glamour was short lived
And lead to depression
Oppression~
How melancholy, that fledgling
A heart shaped hole in its breast~
But hidden from unseeing eyes

Alas, one day a single teardrop
From god's halcyon manner
Caressed feathered cheek~
To the bird's empty breast,
And sprouted a rose, of all things!

Blooming blossom stretched
Phototropic love lilted from noir caves
Filling young robin's heart and soul
With hope and such peace!
Today, not tomorrow, was the beginning
Of the young bird's healing
The wing had been broken so long~
Such relief!
Mellifluous relief

In beautiful petrichor,
Young spawn took flight,
to face sunlight at last.

The pen is mightier
Than the sword
But what to consider
The keyboard?

How many stanzas
Phrases
Words
Must I conflate
To imbue in you
My love?

Is there no panacea,
No way for me to convey
The hold on my soul?
My heart
My being~
Such dulcet thoughts!
Your eyes,
{My cynosure}

Pure felicity
So lovely
A million ships at the ready
The cue being
the sight of your smile.
Helen is such a fugacious
Pipe dream fixation
When compared to your gaze

Until then,
Try as I might,
The depth of my feelings
Remains the deep ocean
Only a ripple wavers
At your knees
The rest waiting
For the Golden Bird
Of language
To release it's curse
Mere English isn't sufficient.

Curling tendrils of darkness
Grasp hold/ties knots
Around vulnerable
Fluffy girls

Whispercreep
Up veiny esophagus~
Choke hold on slimy tongues.
Spread to limbs
Phalanges like spears.

Envelop whole spirits
In pacts of starvation~
Death is fun.
Bones are beautiful,
Sharp lines and creases~
Curves don't compare

Such incubi (leeches)
Munch on self esteem
Unzip their skin bags
And leap out
Leaving nothing
But carcasses

Dream/wake
dr
  e
   a
    m
wake
suddenly
there's no difference
stand in front of a mirror
stare at your reflection
until nothing
means a thing
repeat your name
are you real?
is this real or
are you
s
  l
   e
    e
     p
       ing
sleeping?
ocean waves of oblivion
crash wash away
coherency
hollow chocolate bunny
mechanical robot toy
"big brother is watching"
Big brother
evil eyes
of microscopes
and lasers
wrap barbed wire around your chest
douse your eyes in chilli sauce
in desperation
to feel something
or anything
failed
sadly
you are
awake.

And when it rains,
On this side of town it touches,
Everything.
Just say it again and mean it,
We don't miss a thing.
You made yourself a bed,
At the bottom of the blackest hole.
And convinced yourself that it's not the reason,
you don't see the sun anymore.

How could you do it?
I never saw it coming.
I need the ending,
So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?*


Tonight I'll sleep with the door wide open.
Afraid of what lingers in the darkness.
What is darkness?
Why, it's nothing but a lack of light.
That's all I've felt since time immemorial,
When you left,
And I had nothing,
Except broken hopes, and the echos,
Of words you once whispered to me.
I'm not going to say I'm hopeless without you, because I'm not.
I'm not going to say I'm lost without you, because I can find my way,
I'm not going to say you were the best thing that's happened to me, you weren't.
I'm not going to say I want you back, because I don't.
I just wish I had someone by my side,
Who could scare the voices away and calm my ever-growing fears.
I'm not going to say that was once you, because it never was.
You were never that person.

Laughter reaches new bounds
When you ask/ax me
" do I have pasketti on my face?"
Like a wild aminal you crawl
Over and smear that pasketti
On my cheeks
Like 60's rouge
Never meant to leave the Avon catalog.
cute comf-ta-ble sweaters
Swath lithe body like soft down
Byrds outside singing
Dancing in green foil-age.
Go join them,
Eyes chatoyant and comely.
With pasketti still on your face
You chirp like them byrds,
Such ebullience fits in with the robins.

Pale/sheet white
Daisy hued valentines
Springtime comes--
Flowers grow, larks crow
In heavy snow.

In restless dream
Lies gentle day--
Effervescent sunlight
Breaks icicle caves
Into marvellous reflections:
Beauty and strength.
Blanket soft tendrils
Reverse hearts decay.

Beams of aquamarine
Melt chocolate and tears--
Kinds words meet scarlet blush.
Let's dance on blueberry hill
Swim in the sea of love.
(Meet me in Montauk)

Crashing waves no longer scare
For they are as pleasant as bubbling laughter
In the nest of your arms

<infinity

Fluffy white pillows, and blankets, and fur.
All the little snowflake could remember seeing,
For time immemorial.
Snow capped peaks in the distance,
Frost bitten air tickling its nose.
High hopes, much promise.
The snowflake was instilled with a warm,
Fuzzy feeling that was unique,
And untouchable.

The snowflake felt infinite.
It's brothers and sisters,
Falling around,
Like a mother coddling her kittens.

White was pure,
White was beautiful,
White was love.

But good things don't last forever.
Grey ash drifted down,
Antagonists in a dreary play.
Sweltering sun came out to say,
You can't have it all.

Grey is weary,
Grey is sad,
Grey is tired.

As the snowflake started to drip,
And melt like cursed Popsicles,
It though of the time,
When it felt so pretty and unique,
But alas~ it now understood,

That none of us are unique.
We are all melting snowflakes,
And broken hearts,
And dying lungs.
All the same; typecasts.
We all melt away.

"Hello" he said
In black night
No stars

Vulnerable
Raw to the bone

"I can't let you"
He said

I can't let you
Enjoy
Love
Feel

You aren't allowed to
Enjoy
Love
Feel
Breathe
Live

Any happiness
In slight form
Comes with consequences

Sweat stains
***** stains
Blood stains
Heart stains

"You're all wrong"
Distorted
And strange

No breathing
No living
Or else

He will always be on your shoulder
Pecking at your lungs
Eating at your brain

Until there is no
Meat on your bones
Feeling in your fingers
Thoughts in your head

Until that vulture
Carries you away
Makes a nest with your hair
And slumbers
In jutting hipbones.

*"Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it."

To be one with these four walls
Murky mud carpet
White panels of the ceiling
Is an eternal damnation
Yet blessing
All seeing
Knowing, never engaging
No laughter or comprehension
Except when materialized in books
Magazines
Movies
Poems
Songs
But in reality, never noticed
A world only known by those
Unassimilated
The life that is no life at all
Seeing
Watching
Listening
But unable to do
Content
But forever unfulfilled.

Strong vibrato
Mezzopiano
Your crescendo has me
Wavered
A rabbit in your headlights
Staccato
Fixated on vinyl love
(Asphyxiated)
So lucid your lips
Treble clef
Tremble clef
Tenor rumbles
Eyes/river overflow
Incessant whine
Of heartbeat(bass)
Languid pretty song.

Itsy bitsy
Spider
Crawled up your
Ear canal
While you were
Deep
In REM
Sleep (sound)
Made a cave
In your
Cerebellum.
All he wants is a friend
In the form of your spinal cord
Munch like liquorice
Yumyumyum
Wrapped around your heart
Like a boa around your neck
Makes babies
Crawls out of all your holes
Waking nightmare
Haha

Come to the fire darling
A lullaby for you

A tale of woe
And feelings
Azure blue

With this 4/4 beat
I'd lay it all down
In a half note
Sung clear and true

Hearts flutter by

Be it sunset/sunrise
Meet me here.

Fly butterfly

Melancholy
Breaks its shell
In fear of you

Ghosts wafting by
Cry to their mothers.
Scared like the serpent
Of God's everlasting power.

The northern lights shine for you.

I shine just as bright for you.

You're good to go.
Smile and talk like the perfect host
Of a happy crowd, inebriated
Vapid, inane, upperclass professionals
Play nice, your mind is a cage
Chainsaws and stretch racks dance in your head
Fantasies of impending doom,
But alas~ this cannot be
Fear and shame, fear and shame
You are a changeling.
Secretly substituted for a real girl at birth
Alone in a crowded room
Fey don't eat
Fey don't sleep
The perpetual curse of wakefulness
Only desiring to sleep forever
Walking dead, one thing brings you joy
Free fall, kindle the fire
Endorphins and fun chemicals
"The difference between medicine and poison is in the dose"
In this case, your poison
Is a cold cement bridge
Early morning snowfall
And tempting waters blow below.
Eternity passes
And then you become one with the ******* titanic.
Float back to the fairies, my dear.

White wash walls
White starch coats
Translucent skin/veins
Vision blinded by numbers
Personality sequence
My numbers
The label stapled across my eyelids
Like a chip for feeble shoulders to bear
A dash of this
A dab of that
Normalfunctionalproductive
Happy member of society
Girls stuffed with modelling clay
Feed me lye and cigarette ash
Replace my brain with silicone
Paint cherry red lips
And tell me to be unique.