I used to lay awake at night and imagine my future;
a big, clean house with an open-concept first floor and a large backyard, with big sliding-glass doors leading onto a beautiful deck where I would one lay sit down with a book and a mug of coffee while watching my beautiful wife run and play with our three children.
I used to picture her coming up onto the deck, smelling of fresh grass, sweat and happiness, with our children in tow
to join me on the wicker chairs.
Our youngest would plop himself into my lap, wrapping his chubby arms around my neck as much as he could and peppering my face with the sort of kisses only a toddler can give.
Our older two would take their own seats, our daughter sitting as far from her sweaty older brother as she can get, while said brother would throw himself down into his chair (with an interjection from my wife to "take it easy, Joey, you don't want to break it!") and ask excitedly what we would be eating for dinner.


bliss.

I have not gotten more than four hours of sleep a night in over two years,
with the single exception being the time you held me to you, moulded me to your body and let me settle, perfectly fit against you like clay.
My only reprieve was your presence beside me that night.

But as you were my reprieve, I was your escape.
A temporary solution to a long-term problem that you were not yet ready to address:
the weight of it remained in the shadows of that night
and the days that followed,
the weeks we spent together
and the nights I longed to be cradled against you once more.

I ignored it the way one ignores an expiration date... hesitantly paying attention at first, then slowly becoming secure in the false-hope that maybe that day will never come,
that things will simply last forever.

youmouldedthepartsofmethatyouneededtofillyourcracksthen­broketherestofmeonceyouwerefixed.

It's been 54 days since we last spoke,
7 months since we last embraced,
9 months since we last kissed,
353 days since that night.


It's been over 730 days since I last slept,
and 353 days since I woke up to a life I wanted to live.

I wish you had been a dream...
I cannot keep living this nightmare.