I don't think my heart
know how to beat to
anything but
the sound your name

Why** can't I be happy?

Actually...
                 why can't I feel it?

                                                    I know I'm loved,
                                      but my mind can't comprehend it...

                                            My anxiety just screams
                                          "NOBODY LOVES YOU!"
                                        "YOU'LL LOSE THEM ALL!"
                               Maybe I should just push everyone away now
                                  and find comfort within these four walls.

                           Because it seems like If I have nothing left to lose
                 I'll no longer have to go through with this self mental abuse.

Blanket on ; too hot.
         Blanket off; too cold.
One foot in ; too fast
          One foot out ; too slow.
One caring word; too less.
          One mean insult; too much.
One huge sky; too much blue
           One huge heartbreak ; too less you.
One chance to move on ; too slow to do.
           One chance to stay; too much for you.

In my photo album there's a black and white snapshot from your old Kodak camera. I'm sitting upon your stalwart shoulders with a backdrop of mountainous desert. Upon your height my head is above the hills my smile brighter than the whole blue sky.

I still remember that day. We went to Picacho Peak with a picnic lunch and climbed through the rocks, investigated the arroyos. The desert was alive with wildflowers. I collected some and brought them to you - you named every one.
Bluish-purple lupine. Yellow rabbit's bush.
Orange African daisies. Bright desert poppies. Indian paintbrush, flaring strokes of carmine fire. Pale pink globe mallow.

You have such a brilliant mind, a scientist in love with nature. I think you collected some seed to plant with the cacti in your backyard garden...

I still remember. It was a day that stands like that peak in my memory. The breeze in my curls way up high, upon those mountainous shoulders. It whispered to me of the desert spirits. And our guardian angels sang of the wonders of freedom.

I know you heard it, too.


♡ your daughter,
                   Catherine


SoulSurvivor
(C) 2/20/2016