she peeled fishnets off widespread thighs
quivering with pain and vulnerability
covered her camera lens with them
a facade of perfect popularity

i am frozen inside an ice box filled with dagger shaped icicles of what i’ve been trained to do right
yet i am hopelessly drowning in melted water with my unforgiving wrongs
my lungs are searching for the air in this rainy city

my actions have me disconnected

i am the chord wrapped around your thumb as you pace aimlessly on the phone
i am the six blankets and four pillows falling on my bed to hide my eyes that don’t remember
i am the scared child hiding in the bathroom when everything turns black from the storm

i am the one who turned off the light

now i can’t see where i’m pacing, my heart is blinded and it’s racing
the six blankets and four pillows on my bed are dark and suffocating
i need to see but i’m terrified to turn the light back on

how can one person possess so many feelings?

he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not
it only took a moment of magical laughter to know how full you make me
but still, the carousel won’t stop turning and neither will my stomach

vulnerability is a part of change

i am ashamed and afraid of how i want to be the best version of me for myself
confined by swollen eyes and wrinkle lines, i need to break out of this ice box
my emotion tattooed eyes are a filter only i can read. i’m disconnected

i refuse to be defined by others

I honestly can’t tell you how I feel if I haven’t fully internalised my emotions.
My ex-girlfriend used to tell me that showing vulnerability is a weakness.
Even when we were both falling in love, she always kept her distance.
For a good reason that never sat well with me, that’s why we let each other down like gravity.
I’ve been repeatedly questioning myself for over some time now, why am I lacking longevity?
We could never rewrite our history because even if I gave her the galaxy, she would still need more space.
My Buzz Lightyear heart was willing to love her to infinity and beyond.
This is pain and poetry, this is me drowning in depression and loneliness.
This is me admitting that I am an emotional wreck, my heart is in a mess.
I’ve been concerned about caring for everyone that I lost touch with loving myself wholeheartedly.
I’ve been concerned about caring for everyone that they gradually stopped checking up on me.
So, from this point onwards, know that all these poems will no longer be written the same.
These words cannot explain the tidal waves of mystery I always find myself drowning in.
These waves of depression drown me in complete silence, so even if I cried for help you wouldn’t be able to hear me.
It’s unfortunate that even if I cried for help you wouldn’t be able to save me.

You hold me so tight
I fear I might break
But the feeling
It feels so good
To be against you
Against your chest
I feel as though we are one
I love this
I feel wanted
So please
My love
Hold me tighter
Go ahead
You can break me if you want.

Sometimes it feels as if I have no skin on.

Every blow of unfavorable wind
like thousands of needles
driven deep into exposed flesh.
Crowds of relentless, sandpaper-cloaked figures
tear off muscle, fiber by fiber
as they pass scraping by.
Gazes turn sunbeams into chisels
that carve fourth degree burns
into the sorry mess of these insides-turned-outsides.

Maybe I truly have no skin on. Maybe that's why they point at me.
Always with such pity, amusement
And disgust.