Shall I break all my bones to sing my song

Will I learn how to set the fire on

before them

How can you

As they hold your writst

hard

The poison in their heart

Makes your fingerprints weak

A gift

I was

Burning bright

Now the smoke is on my way

Shall I

No

I long to be heard

How can words not feel this heavy in their tongue

While it crushes me

I'm tired
Of trying all the time
Even when surrounded by people
I feel so alone

A body without a soul
Leave it behind to rest
Let the world carry on
Without me

I listen to the same songs
Over and over again
Because nothing else
Is loud enough to drown out the pain

Oh, to be a kid again
With no need to overthink
To see the light again
Without drowning myself
In the kitchen sink

I want to leave behind
This heavy heart
and fly away to my neverland
Living my life inside a hopeless dream

I want to be held in your arms
As you talk to me in that calming voice
So I drift off
And fall asleep

Sometimes it’s best,
To hold one’s tongue,
And take what you can get,
The alternative,
Is often worse.
Listen to their screams,
Their complaints,
As they say,
You’re the villain,
The hypocrite,
The one in the wrong.
Ignore the voices,
In your head,
That wonder if they’re right.
Sometimes it’s just best,
To tolerate insolence,
Rather than risk,
Corruption.

I met my younger self for dinner today,
Her pupils were large and dilated,
She felt that she will never be sober again.
I noticed that she carried something with her,
It was substance just in case her high goes away.
I ordered some Caesar salad,
She couldn't think about food,
Because she would purge.
Then she spoke:
"Are my scars visible"
I couldn't reply,
I didn't want to make her feel bad.
And again she spoke:
"Are we finally sober?"
"Of course we are!"
-I replied.
If she only knew we have so much goals ahead of our life.

I find myself saying "I wanna go home" a lot. But what do I mean by that? Cause I'm not talking about the home where I mix my flowing tears with the flowing water from the shower, or where I pray my headphones are charged so I can block out the loud arguments.

I'm talking about the home where I run into my dad's arms again when he gets home from work, where I can beg my mom to read me a story as I fall asleep, where I can laugh and not worry about how I'm gonna make it through tomorrow.

But that's impossible. I can't go back to where times were okay. I can't go back to where I felt okay. Because im here now. I'm here with the loud voices telling me to quit. I'm here with the laughter after I take the wrong step. I'm here where I would rather do anything but look at my dad.

I'm not home, I'm nowhere near it. But instead of saying that, I'll just tell myself one more time that I want to go home.

Even though I will never make it back home.

For
My Brother,
My Lover,
My Enemy,
My Friend.
For Someone I’ll Never Forget














I should’ve known. How time changes things. But I’m not talking about how my hair looks different from when I was running around in the school playground, Or how I was playing with dolls and dressing up, and now I keep my eyes glued on my phone. I’m talking about how I used to laugh with you in the back of the class, now I watch you across the classroom laughing with someone I don’t even know the name of.

We used to plan how we would set up our rooms in our future 2 bedroom apartment together, or how we get our first job together, how we would never leave each other no matter the situation. But instead I watch you walk past me without even waving.

I should've known. You would find someone that treated you like a person, they would stay on the phone with you through bad Facebook messenger calls because you never got a phone with service, you would follow them around the school at lunch break because you claimed to have no friends, and you would see a small smile form on their face because that same smile formed on mine when you told me you would rather be with me anyway.

Because I laughed on how your face was all distorted and blurry because we both had bad Wi-Fi, because I walked with you to the teacher to ask if we could sit together, because I buried my face in my hands when you were doing everything to embarrass me while trick-or-treating on Halloween, because I made you sign a contract swearing you would be my friend for the rest of eternity, because I treated you like someone, a person, a friend, my friend.

I should’ve known. That when you called me that night for the first time in months, it wasn’t because you wanted to talk to me about your show or because you were bored. But it was about how you and her broke up. It was about how you loved her. That you couldn’t find anybody because they all just leave. Yet, I still stayed. Listening to you sob and talk about you and her together. The next day instead of seeing you across the school cafeteria, I saw you next to me. And for a moment, I thought I could laugh with you again. But still, I should've known.

Because a week later you were gone again. With her. I should’ve known. All of that laughter and smiles would turn into jealousy and tears.

I should’ve known. You would find someone and get away from the groups of people looking at us in the hallways.

I should’ve known. You would grow up after saying you never would.

I should’ve known. You would walk with someone else to a class.

I should’ve known. I would get a new friend group with you not in it.

I should’ve known. I would call a friend and it wouldn’t be you.

I should’ve known. that the promise we made with each other to always be by each other's side was just another thing

I should’ve known from the start.

you speak in flames,
your words a fire that burns everything i've ever been
each syllable is sharp,
a knife against the soft parts of me
the parts you never cared to see
you twist the truth
fists hidden in your voice,
each insult a stone
throwing me into a pit
of shame and doubt
i stand in your storm
a broken tree with roots to deep to leave
but each word you spit
feels like thunder clashing against my skin
i cant escape
the echoes of your rage
you tear me apart
but still, i ache for something
ill never get;
a whisper of love
a touch without hate
but instead i drown in your fury
and yet you never see the weight
of your own cruelty
the marks you leave with every breathe

but im learning to breathe without you,
to let your venom slip off my skin,
no longer clinging to the scars.
The scars you carved into my heart.