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It was a profound recognition when I met you,
My heart was young
But my soul,
It knew you.

You understood me,
The intensity couldn’t be explained.
The longing,
Immediate trust,
Urge to unite,
Like a magnet,
Your pull was too strong,
And I couldn’t stay away.

Your energetic force
Transported me to a deeper sense of emotion,
Something about me would never be the same.

I didn’t recognize what I saw
But I knew I’d felt this home before.
A person I didn’t know
But a place I could freely fall.
I didn’t belong there on the outside
But within, it was mine—
This sphere that fit like a puzzle piece,
Everywhere else was confusing and out of place.

This little girl didn’t know much about life,
Her mind and brain were still growing.
But you were a calibration point,
A navigational pull
Keeping her straight,
Until the time finally came
When her soul could finally see
Where it always wanted to be.

When I looked at you back then,
I didn’t see your body.
I didn’t see the grip of your hands or the veins in your arms,
Or the way I wanted them to hold me.
I didn’t see the scruff on your chin or your eyes which held stars,
Deep enough to see right through me.

When I looked at you,
I swear I only saw your soul.
I saw your story.
I saw hundreds of moments of laughter and pain behind those light blue eyes.
I saw who you had been and who you were still becoming.

I saw a man that looked so foreign,
But without rational sense,
Felt as familiar as my own bones.

And when this little girl was finally grown,
A trauma that sped up her years,
My body suddenly knew yours,
My heart suddenly felt at ease.

Whether I can explain why or not,
I hope you know what I felt was real.
The way my body took unconscious steps forward,
Shortening the rope,
Bridging the space between us.

Our lives seemed to fold into one another,
It wasn’t love at first sight,
But connection—connection of both body and soul.

I’ll never forget these moments,
When nothing and everything made sense all at once.
I was pulled to you,
In ways I still can’t understand.
We were connected—mind, body, soul—and it was real,
Still is real,
Will always be real,
For me, at least.

And if it’s true that I know you,
That I knew you before,
Maybe this is just another trial run that didn’t work out.
My needy soul wants who it wants,
It wishes it could speed up the rerun instead of waiting in torture.
If only it were that easy,
I’d let you finish this round.
You got a head start this time,
And gained a lot along the way.
So I’ll walk off the sidelines instead of crossing the finish line
And see you in the next race.

How long does it take to get used to *****?
Most people say they never do,
It burns too much.
But the first time it touched this body
It went down like liquid honey
Like it’d been there many times before,
But still not enough to forget the one I loved and lost.

There is no logical explanation for you.
You can’t be reasoned about,
But there is an inexplicable mutual recognition I know exists.
We were a mix of powerful excitement and fear,
Certainty and uncertainty,
Safety and danger.

Your love was free,
But your presence costs time.
It breaks my heart
That I let myself get so attached
Thinking I could ever win first prize
When I never even had a chance.

Now I’m supposed to live without you
Even though sometimes it feels so strong,
I would choose you against the whole world.

Because after all this time,
You became the world to me.
Even if eternity frowns upon it
My heart screams for you
No matter how much my mind tells me
"NO,”
I love you
With such a resounding
"YES"
That it almost seems as though you were the reason I was living to start.

But I can’t make you love me
And that’s a fact.

I set boundaries and built walls
To protect myself from people seeing the shattered parts of my soul.
But then you came,
And those walls fell to dust.
I let you decrypt the deepest parts of me
And fell into hope that you would put my shattered pieces back together.
But what seemed so good left me with no hope,
So hollow that I can no longer look within.

You could wreck every part of me,
But I’d still love you with the kind of love that burns so intense
It feels like fireworks breaking and healing my bones all at once.

You leave me wide awake yet exhilarated,
So lost but exactly where I’m meant to be.
The can’t-sleep-can’t-breathe-can’t-eat type of love.

You were my first true desire
And now I’m constantly stopping from giving myself anything good,
Because it’s not you
It never will be
And nothing can fill the empty void in my heart
Like you once did.

When you kissed me
It was like you kissed the hell out of me,
Literally.
My body was subtly writhing in pain,
Holding onto so many demons and means of death.
I silently wanted you to kiss the hell out of me
In hopes that you might possibly
Save me.

But I fell in love,
Hoping I would rise in love.
I was not saved,
Because it couldn’t stay.
I was broken,
Because it left too fast.
I crashed to the ground
And I swear it crushed all of me.
I was shattered but I didn’t notice I was lacking air
When I was drowning in your eyes.
I couldn’t feel the pain in my bones
When you arms were wrapped around me
Keeping them all in place.
But then it ended,
And I felt it in every part of me.

So I’m looking for closure of any kind
Just to get you off my mind.
Because a head so full of you
And a heart of nothing but you
And a dream that is made of you
Is not worth the time
If I can’t have you.

I’m not saying that I’m constantly thinking of you,
But I can’t deny the fact that
Every time my mind wanders,
It always finds some way back to you.

So I’m taking scissors and trying to cut off the rope
But I can’t keep from butchering myself
When you won’t come off.
Tell me,
Would you please help me cut you off?

But when the rope falls,
Please don’t leave without a hug.
I just want to be close to you.

I’m hoping that if you were only temporary,
Maybe the pain will be too.

People say they know love
But I look around
At everyone everywhere,
And I can’t imagine they’ve felt the life that I did.
The breath in their lungs
The passion that physically kills them,
Slowly,
Painfully,
To feel so connected to someone
That you can’t see life beyond them.

This love can’t be normal
And I don’t believe it is.
But if I was not made for you
Then I don’t want to be made for anyone
Because I never want to experience this again.
Never again.
I can’t help but want you the same way the ocean reaches for the shore.
The way the rain begs to fall,
The sun needs to shine,
The words thirst to be read.
I want your lips,
Because they remind me of when I was finally allowed to love you.
I can still feel them, I hope that never fades.
I want your hands,
Because they held mine all the times I couldn’t stop shaking. When I laid on the ground with tears streaming down my face, they took all the fears away.
I want your arms,
Well, I wish I could be completely wrapped up in your arms,
Because they were soft & safe & made me feel like I could breathe for the first time.
I woke up terrified four times that night, each time wanting to scream and cry and throw myself off of anything high.
But I opened my eyes and saw that you were still holding me. The next time, the next time, and the next. You never moved. Each time the fear got stronger, your grip felt tighter.
Closer.
Warmer.
Safer.
Sometimes I’m so cold in my own loneliness,
But I wouldn’t mind being cold together.
I couldn’t imagine being warm any way else.
I surround myself with people and distract myself in any way I can, but I’m still just as lonely until I see you.
I never stop thinking of you.
When I’m working,
When I’m grocery shopping,
When I’m cleaning,
When I’m driving,
I just want to be next to you.
I want you to infinity, to the millionth degree.
I would give you every. part. of. me.
I love you, but more than just getting to kiss you.
I love the way you live your life.
I love when you have to pop your hip in, even though I know it’s uncomfortable.
It’s funny. Because it’s a part of you.
And I love every part of you.
I love when you’re unbelievably high maintenance,
When you drive around with no plan in mind,
When you go off on crazy rants and tangents,
When you repeat your famous quotes for the millionth time,
When you make me try crazy things,
When you’d laugh because I ate the steak faster than you.
I love when we talk, but I don’t mind when the long drives are silent, either.
I just like to know that I’m with you wherever you’re going.
I’m always up for errands, too. Anything to stretch out the time just a little bit longer.
I love watching you drink nasty egg whites, ruining your coffee, because I know it’s making you healthy and better. It makes me calm knowing you are okay.
I love when you whistle to your favorite songs,
When you stand next to the water and let the salty air fill your lungs, and the setting sun cure your eyes and sway you to sleep.
I love your fluffy hair and tired eyes when you wake up.
The morning I first saw that on the day we all went to the beach, I thought:
“Oh my God, that is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”
I ran off on the shore and cried so hard that day, just hoping I’d feel arms wrap around me and know it was you.
When you walk in, my heart beats differently.
Everyday I drown in your ocean
Sinking as deep as I can,
Filling every inch of my lungs
With every drop of you.
How amazing it is to find someone who wants to hear all the things that go on in your head.
I would give up my whole life for you,
Go live on a ranch in Ireland in a cozy hut eating so much butter and living the simplest life.
Wake up slow.
Spend days long.
Spend nights longer.
Let the cold weather keep us inside all day,
Let the warm weather travel us all over the place.
In company together, in isolation together.
The thing is though, I wouldn’t really be giving up my life for that. You’d be giving up yours.
I’ve never seen you cry, but I hope you never do because of me.
I will never be angry at you, just as I will never call you the source of any pain.
Don’t you know?
You are the only reason I stayed.
Every single time I wanted to **** myself, you were the first person I thought of. By just the mere thought of you, you stopped me.
I want you but I can’t have you.
And in ways, that makes it seem impossible to live life. In other ways, it makes me want to flee the country and start everything over and leave everyone behind, but I know I’d wish I could just be close to you even if it meant I never get to give you my love again.
****, here come the tears.
I finally get why they say “if you love someone, let them go.”
Because if you really love them, you’ll want what’s best for them. For their family and their job and their life.
Your happiness means everything to me.
I will listen for your voice in the distance,
Keep you in my pocket,
Carry your smile with me everywhere.
I smell early morning you
Every time I drink tea.
I take a pause before I sip,
Thinking of sleepy cuddles.
You fill my lungs and I gulp it down.
I smell late evening you
On the cloth of my backpack.
I take a pause before I throw you over my shoulder,
Everything you are I breathe you in,
And carry you everywhere.
I update my playlist at night
With songs that remind me of you,
Tunes that sway me to sleep
Because you can’t be here to.
Your arms are missing,
So I grab more sheets, now I'm held tight.
The fan blows to replace your steady breathing,
The soft exhales on my neck.
I have my pillow a little higher
To fit your arm underneath,
I've got your body,
Now all I need is a sound.
Something to be the heart that isn't here.
I can almost feel you,
But not enough.
So I update my playlist,
It's the only way I'll sleep.
Wow, they really do write novels about this.
I just love you, okay?
And I know I’m not supposed to.
So I will do everything I can to make sure you don’t fall in love with me.
I will protect you and everything you’ve built until the day I die.
But I will always dream of you and wish you were mine.
Ok that rhymed. That signals the end of this novel.
I love you.
Shannon Soeganda Nov 2018
Twin Flames;
The Runner,
and The Chaser.

I will come to you,
as much as our souls will
find the way to one another.

After long gone apart,
to mature before the
Alchemical Union.

I will find you;
in Divine Timing---
with His Divine Intervention,

we will reunite.
She is The Runner and I am The Chaser.
9ine Jan 2017
Have you ever just wonder how would love be?
No, I'm not referring to the kind of feeling you get when two lovers connect, but to truly find your soul mate,
spending the rest of your entire life with them.

It applies to everyday life because you grow with them,
you aged together,
you share the same connection where a family is created.
A bond inseparable.
This scares me because I'm a fool for love.

I'm not brave to witness it.
I'm not brave enough to create it.

Can I be a wife?
A mother?

No one actually sits quietly and wonder.
Are they seeing themselves moving through the periods of time?

Is  that happiness?
Living in your own flesh, building your own structures, evolving through the tides of life.

This world is lonely,
you are your own happiness
content in  your personal world.

You are your thoughts.
You are your actions.
Never settled or limited.
Its always everlasting.
Everlasting love for yourself.
That's love.

So you're not brave either.

To be truly in the service of him or her is to see her empty.

Feed her.

Love her.

Touch her.

Support her where your spills heal her.

Become her mirror.

Become her listener.

Her pillow.
Her messenger.
Her guide.
Be her heart.
Be her skin.

See her beauty through her soul.

She was created for you.
Just for you.

It's amazing that God created another to balance you.
God, it's amazing because she's not brave like you.
So you both sit still.
Silent and living till the time is right.

Perfect for just the two of you.
I've read that when you meet your true soulmate
There will be no butterflies.
No nerves,
No deep, burning blush.
But a simple
CLICK.

Some say that click is the soul recognizing its mate.
I finally had my "click" moment.

There were no nauseating nerves.
No butterflies bashing around bewildered in my gut.

The longer we talked,
The deeper the conversation,
The more relaxed I became.

Then there was another click.
The collected realization of events and heartache
That led me to this person.

How if one thing had changed-- Butterfly effect--
I would never have met my twin soul.

So I choose from here forward
To accept all that life brings onto my path.
It's leading me directly were I'm supposed to be.
I feel utterly insane!!! I am in love with someone I scarcely know. It hasn't even been two months, but every day just gets better. They show me the bad parts of them and accept mine in return. It's strange that I feel so comfortable with them and haven't once felt underappreciated or not cared for. Here's hoping this is where my path in love has been taking me all these years.

— The End —