What is this sensation?
New but familiar
Never experienced in a safe environment
Maybe this time will be different
I might not leave in pieces
But I probably will
I never leave anywhere fully intact
Am I possibly ready for it this time around?
Hopefully
This time seems different
There isn’t that overwhelming compulsion
Just a steady stream of wanted conversation
No strings seem to be attached this time around
Just honesty and fun
Is it the summer heat getting to me?
I hope not

Oh how I hate this small town
Where I can’t find any girls to have fun with
The only ones with that mindset are my friends
And I can’t do that with them
So I turn to guys
No one bats an eye
There is one I want to actually have something with
But he’s not here
And I’m bored and lonely
So I’ve turned to having fun with other guys
It’s the closest I can get to what I want
Flirting is fun
Kisses and bites on the neck are ******* ****
But when it comes down to it
Guys aren’t always fun

Do you see a beautiful mess
Or a reckless hurricane?

Do you romanticize my cigarettes
Or do you hold your breath when you walk by?

Do you really find me that interesting
Or do you lace your words with pity?

Do you still think I’m cute when I slur my words
Or do you silently slide farther away?

Do you think nothing of all I smoke
Or do you wish I would stop?

Do you think my nervous habits are cute
Or do you look away?

Do you sigh with relief when you know you’ve saved me
Or do you wish you hadn’t picked up that phone?

Do you think of me in your spare time
Or do you see me as a time requirement?

Do you truly want me at that party
Or do you only bring me because I said something?

Do you miss the old me
Or do you like who I have become?

Fast beat
Heavy base
That’s how it starts
Next thing you know
You’ve slapped a *****
Burned some bridges
Await some much needed fun
Give up on your fears
Take your life by the horns
Decide your going to do it
That thing you’ve been skirting around for the past month
You know the one
Well you’re going to do it
Whether it’s a good idea or not
Just waiting for the soonest possible moment
You don’t care of the outcomes anymore
The person who cared
They left
That version of yourself is dead and gone
Now its time to become
A reckless hurricane
A swarm of emotions
Impulses
Desires
Actions
No over thinking
Just what you want
When you want it
Let the music take over
No more control over yourself
Just reckless fun

How has this become my life?
I mean when did an actor start meaning something to me
All my life they’ve been there
But never in an important way
Just there
Now all my thoughts go to him
I talk to him constantly
Never wanting the conversation to stop
Miraculously it doesn’t
Somehow we keep it going
It still astounds me that he wants to talk to me
But he keeps it up
I smile to myself constantly
This shouldn’t be happening
But I can’t remember why
Now all I do is wait for my phone to buzz
And for night to come
For his arms to surround me
And his smile to fill my vision
I don’t know how to act
With a actor

One year ago today
I gave something
To my best friend
But society says
He took it from me

That isn't true
It didn't matter
If he took it
Or I gave it

In that moment
I was happy
All those summer nights
Rolled together
While we became one

People say that
Alcohol taints things
Oh how they are wrong
That night was perfect

We started as friends
Came together
As so much more
Shared a bed
Yet left best friends

Orange letters
On a black screen
Speaking of danger
Hot and intense by nature
No small sparks
To light the way
Of children's to be
Favorite memories
The middle of summer
Begins to mean
Uncomfortable nights
And light shows
No more
Fireflies
Beautiful dancing
Or bond fires
Just the bittersweet memories
Of a different year
The joy of years past
Leaves you sitting on the hard floor
Crying
For no other reason
Than not seeing
Those stunning bits of fire
That lit up your childhood
Having them withheld
Has brought you to this
Tears running down your face
As the bombs crack around you
Recorded many years past
With the sound of others
Enjoying the sight
Your favorite part of the year
Yet you never knew how much
Such a small thing could mean
Until you're left
On the wrong side of the fence
Hand in hand
With a new one
Different than years past
Who wraps their arms around you
As the tears slide down your face
Reflecting fireworks not seen

I always put everyone else first
Sacrificing my own wants and desires
But for one night
I was selfish
I got what I have wanted for months
Though it’s something many believe I hate
I have desired it for months now
Only with one
Not with anyone else
No matter what others want me to do
To them
With them
None of them
Have stirred this thing within me
Just that one
Now that I have had a taste of what I wanted
I don’t know if I can stay
Here where my desires and whims
Are contained to just one
But not that one
Another of a different feather
Who wishes to cage me
Within their sweet words and pretty promises
Yet I still wish I could be as free
As I was that night
When I was as selfish as I dared
Doing as I pleased
As he pleased
We both were pleased
Whether it was due to the alcohol
Or poor choices
I don’t regret it
Like I do all of those other encounters
These bruises don’t make me shy away
I don’t try to hide them
The whole world can see them for all I care
I put myself first for once
And it didn’t leave me covered in scars

I have been broken for days now
But my will to survive blinded me
I didn’t see the signs
Now it’s too late
Woke up from little sleep
To see I’ve been
Crying in my sleep again
It took too many days
For me to realize what
This weariness in my eyes was from
To notice that I wasn’t
Cold like I was telling myself
But scared
So I curled into myself each night
I didn’t just miss him
I had been reaching out
But he didn’t really respond
If he won’t talk to me
Who will?
She’s gone
Which is why I reached out to him
But now I’ve woken up to see
The wet marks left by my tears
To feel the damp trails
Still on my cheeks
Now I’m left wanting something
I am unable to have
Someone to hold me close
No one has been able to since she did
Except for him
But his silence kills me slowly

One simple word
Along with a digital smile
Has the power over me
To make me jump up and down
As if I’m still a preteen
Speaking excitedly to my first crush
But I’m older and have more experience
Still the idea of spending time with them
Brings my heart to full speed
And my inner innocence fills with joy
I feel so uncensored with them
There never really seems to be a need
Well I won’t say that I don’t need them
It doesn’t matter if my innocence or experience is speaking
I need them in some way
Weather to have clean fun
Or something more exciting