Held my breath, took the plunge,
took the flight to the other side of the world.
Disassembled everything.
Started over again.
Still, sadness is the shadow over my shoulder
and Marlboro my one true friend.

The fan fills noise in the corner,
in the space where voices had been.
Still covered in lacerations
from all those who reached out for me.
Keeping busy in the day,
buy and sell in the backwater streets;

if solitude breeds clarity,
then loneliness breeds insanity
and both arrive so rushed and so brief.
No need to lock the door
for no one will ever come.
If I should die, it would take a while
until someone sounds the drum.

I flew so many miles
and still, my sadness has won.

You look at me and i'm rambling
and I think to myself "cool your jets."

and I think of love in a way
with words like neat, nifty, and snazzy.
cute and short and unique and older than I am.

and sometimes I think of when I loved you first,
oh, I don't think you'll ever quite get how I loved you first and longer
than you've ever loved me.
I don't even know if you recall
the valentine I never put in your box,
or the many times I tried so hard not to cry in front of you,
but it would have been so easy.

and those years apart,
drifting in and out of being so lonesome and
being in the wrong crowd
I tried so hard to be normal,
to be like everyone else,
but you can't force yourself to love someone
especially when you hate them.
you can only fake it.

and to say I was a liar
would be an understatement.

five years of my life,
I spent faking everything
from smiles to laughs to obedience
to bravery.

and lost within my vulnerability there were friends
that I would gain
and I would lose
at their attempts at "blackmail"
and my attempts at protecting them.

and for a year, there would be people
that would use and destroy
the bits that were left of me.

and upon coming to,
I guess I really never saw
what love was.
I knew how to treat kindly,
and with love.
but I never knew it's face
towards me
until you.

and maybe I'm not the best person
to judge relationships,
but I do know when someone treats
another person wrong.
because it strikes me in all
the most painful places.

and I get uppity and brash
from time to time,
I can only hope
you understand
that it's mostly a defensive measure
against fear.

so I will sit in silence,
and bask in the warmth of your gaze,
if it were to find me
in the blue of the shadows,
and the red of my heart.

Things are tough sometimes.

keep going.

the path will be dangerous sometimes.

keep walking.

your feet will ache. Your hands will shake. Your stomach will hurt. Your eyes will itch from all the grime and dirt.

keep moving forward.

people will be cruel. They'll want you to fail. You'll be able to see it in their eyes.

don't listen to them, don't look at them.

you'll get scared, of everything. Of people and places that you consider home.

don't let it happen.

you'll want to curl up and lay in a ball until you're shaking enough that you don't know how to stop.

do it. But not for too long. Breathe. Get back up. Keep walking.

you'll feel fear at your back and in your head. It'll try eating you alive, and you might even want to let it.

you can't do that. You're better than that, stronger than that.

you'll have enough scars that you lose count.

keep counting them.

you'll lose your appetite from the fear, from the hatred, from the regret, the guilt.

keep trying to eat. Even if it's just a little bit. (a wise Bluebird once told me that.)

remember, the night is always darkest before dawn.

It's hard to shake off the self hatred and loathing that comes
post-panic attack,
and it's hard to work with what remains
of your brain
when you're trying to fight off the flashback.

and it's hard to keep yourself
from thinking about it too much,
and it's hard to get yourself
to socialize.

but on a lazy Friday afternoon,
you're playing video games,
and I'm menstruating and craving
affection
skin to skin contact
mental stimulation
and various candies.

and I'd be a little more content
if my stomach wasn't growling in furious rage
at that.

but your focused eyes
and my appreciation for your
everything
is giving me a kind of hope
that I can be the kind of better
that you want.

You can do everything.

all the breathing exercises, all the mind calming techniques, all the grounding rituals, take all your meds at the appropriate times and with food, go to therapy, do the worksheets, make the changes, but you'll still falter sometimes.

and it could be anything, and you could see it coming and not even know you're seeing it.

it could be a song, a word, a noise, an action, anything.

for me it's the sound of rain on roofs.

and you'll fall back into the darkness and the hatred where you think no one can find you or pull you out again. You'll slip under the raging black sea, and let it consume you entirely
as black water
fills your lung
like rapids

and it burns but you let it happen.

because it was too quick, too sudden, for you to stop the water from drowning you.
you try to stand but you can't find your footing because there are no sandbars for you to stand on
only water.

and you thrash but sooner or later you're dizzy and your throat burns and everything is spotty and you can't think

and you're gone.

replaced by a shaking shell of the memory
of not being able to move your arms
and the thunder and rain drowning out your screams
and each blow to your head making it harder to make any noise at all
(and people wonder why you have memory issues)

and finally, when it's over
you're shaking and shivering and your sobs are so violent that they don't make any noise
you can't eat for weeks and when you do you just throw it right back up.
you can't look at your brother
or hug your father
and the disassociating gets so much worse that your arms bleed and ache almost constantly.

your "friends" worry, but not enough to do anything.
your teachers worry, but not enough to ask why.

no one ever asks, so you never tell.

and while you shake and shiver in the car
because you remember it all so well
and you just want it to stop
but you can't get enough air
and you're an absolute wreck,
there's light drifting down to you
through the murky black water.
it's bright and blue and warm
and suddenly you're on dry land
and can breathe
but you're looking into eyes made of galaxies and storms
and you're afraid if they see you this way that they'll leave,
because you're such a mess
but you can't pull it together.
but he found you, in that deep, dark water.
and he pulled you from it,
and helped you breathe again.

and you wish you could show some type of gratitude,
but you know that even if you said thank you a thousand times over,
you'd need a better word than that.

and you sooner or later smile,
and it's like the water and tar never took hold of you.

so maybe you can be better, with a little help.

On the nights i can't sleep,
I lay awake thinking of you
and if you deserve better
and if I can really be better the way you think I can.

I'm damaged goods, no ones ever denied that, at least to my face.

I know I'll heal and grow and get little bits of better in time
but until then I wonder if the slow of my progress
strikes fear in parts of you you've long forgotten.

and I wonder if you understand
the thought of losing you
fighting with you
hurting you
strikes me breathless out of fear
and pain.
it's like the wind gets knocked out of me
at the idea that I could ever be a source of hurt for you.

and I'm not that smart
and I'm not that funny,
but **** it all if I don't try to learn
or if I don't try to make you laugh.

I get too excited
and I shout
or too angry
and my voice shakes or gets louder.

I'm an empath and I feel too much,
see too much, love too much.

I talk too much.

I laugh too much.

I cry way too much.

but at least I'm trying.

I lay awake at night sometimes,
wondering if I can get better the way you think I can.

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she is a universe
undiscovered and pure
with lips the colour of a champagne supernova
and eyes like shooting stars

l.r.

What balm is there
in being right?
Especially rightness,
righteousness
grounded in bitterness--
are you joining me in my misery?

I do not want
my happiness to come
at the expense of yours--
as if there were some
limited supply of it;
some small cupful--
snatching at the drops
that fall.

If I want compassion+mercy
extended to me
then I **** well better
extend it to others.

And so I go forward,
waving olive branches.

Will you grasp back?

Primary Introduction:

Sections will be tiny pieces as well as texts that are employed to resolve along with update the actual software programs and data associated with desktops. This technique offers safety vulnerabilities mending and taking away parasites intended for improved upon efficiency. It is also referred to as a technique of creating a plan to kinds of sections for being carried out to the particular devices inside unpredictable moment structure.

Different types of Patches:

Effectively the particular web developers ordinarily release pads in various forms nevertheless you can find largely a couple of forms of spot forms out there for instance Hotfixes, Roll-ups and Service Packages.

Hotfixes: All these upgrades tend to be developed in a shorter lifetime of some time and people discover in addition to remedy one particular concern of a typical bug seen to be recognized using a purchaser. All these Hotfixes aren't quite definitely tried.

Roll-ups: Roll-ups undoubtedly are a combined lots of Hotfixes within a a single. This can be a simple modified data file along with analyzed often.

Service Delivers: Support packages are incredibly a lot tried in addition to a bunch of Hotfixes together with many, are designed through Microsof company. These kinds of selections include those Hotfixes which are not released previous with this kind of the modern efficiency introduced. Program packs mostly underpass critical evaluating processes prior to being published.

Steps involved in Fixing:

Usually it is really an continuous as well as a steady method in the event that for the difficulty fixing is done then again there could be a whole new susceptibility produced. Spot supervision procedure have a lot of performs including:

a new)Making use of regarding ideal equipment to detect and search within the device regarding absent safety measures patches.

n)Enable the important changes are not set up then this solidity of the challenges really should be motivated. You'll want to balance the severity of the condition and view when they can affect the setting or otherwise not.

do)And if issue could hardly be motivated many people suitable patch really should be screened to get employed.

d)There after this evaluating face occurs as well as the patch must be attached to some sort of examining technique.

e)In that case apply the fix to your methods as well as make use of the back-ups when necessary.

f ree p)Finally when things are all acceptable as well as running then subscriptions with regard to notifications must be carried out to ensure that or no situation can come in the future, ought to be knowledgeable.

Range involving Spot Managing:

Almost all of the Rural The item Assistance information mill making use of the idea of weakness managing. The primary concern for them will be to maintain the security with the facts information due to the fact data basic safety may be the essential part of the business growth. It provides a beneficial scope to the people because it is maintain updated linked to the protection areas and there are quite a few area managers which a individual will use and can replace far too.
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