You walk five steps ahead and take a right
Never closer without a sign
As though we didn’t say I love you and I love you
Over the phone
Last night

Your eyes carelessly scan my body and find
Nothing worth more than a keek
As though you didn’t set your sights
On my submissive figure
Last week

You treat me like a child when we dine
I feel small and without power
As though I didn’t call you Daddy
When we were alone
Last hour

You take a picture of me and my date
Pretending
As though you had never felt the softness
Inside me
I am yours and you are mine

I can write you a letter
You can read it before you sleep
I can knit you a toy
Only one which you can keep
My gifts to you
The only trace of me in your world

A strand of my auburn hair touches
Your floor
Your face
Your bed
Your beard
My gifts to you
The only trace of me in your world

in the space between
our sound and silence,
there exist two of me
and one of them
is kissing you.

31/12/2022

It’s the last day of the year, and I’ve had one extra depressive episode
because a 21 year old noped out, apparently I’m demiromantic
and have never had a crush
need a strong connection, when it’s there – it’s nothing
to reckon with, had I known
I’d have put more space between us, taken it slower
rather than convincing myself I have control, as it slips

I’m leaving another lover, wretched with stench
I look at their face in old pictures, becoming
afraid at their void expression, beard
they refuse to trim for me
so I daydream and I know
like, I know now, with therapy that

there is no magical himbo to save me,
no delusions about that, no boo, no more
but I also know I deserve some ******* comfort
after the hell, oh the hell
I can’t broach, if I **** it will burst
like a yolk, I’ll be dead by morning, oh and

he’s so beautiful
his eyes on me, his cautious fingers, fear and shudders
makes me feel like my best was not just good enough
my best was fascinating.
I want to tell him about my songs, mixing in studio 1
I wanna duet, and melt,
I want him on his knees at random words, I want
that worship, wanna feel
his piercing on my
everything,
want to give that worship
not just in a word document,
so I daydream, I get to.
I ******* get to if I need it, daydream about
whichever thing will never happen if I need it.

I will not be shamed for surviving
I will not be blinded to an oasis for the chance
it’s a mirage, I need to
get from place to place, boo
What shall I do as I heal? Drink? Drugs? ******* cigarettes?
did you know the internet says I’ll die at 67?
Little more than half now
my life is not shortened by zoning out -
If I want a muse I will have a ******* muse, and he can think
I’m crazy along with the rest of them,
****
if
I
care,  
I want him to come here.
                                    I want to ask him questions, reasonable questions
because I know I would:
                                                          ­             is this an impulsive decision?
have you broken up?
                                                                ­                               how long ago?
are you in therapy?
                                            I am **** demisexual,
                                                  even in my mind,
                                              especially in my mind
Do       you      want      me      or      do       you       want      polyamory?
Because I can be anyone, and I have already been
                                                         an experiment for some guy, ‘fore he  
                                                            gets­ a bi curious, monogamous girl
Because we can grow alongside one another, but not fix
each other
because you need to process
because if you’re with her, she wouldn’t have a reason other than “my boyfriend really wants to” and that is the worst reason for polyamory, and I am not nor have ever been in the business of hurting people with intent (excluding  grade school, ((I’m
sorry, Martina – double sorry you died from
leukemia,) excluding when you c o n s e n t )),  
I’d like you to answer all of those, then
maybe I get to hold you.

That’s my daydream. Holding you. Watching films, you commenting on them the way I’ve done and annoyed all of my lovers.

how your neck would smell

                                      how your hair and head would feel in my hands

how you’d shiver and breathe shallow, and how easily
I could make it calm.  

and yeah, subspacing you and using your body, I am not entirely ace.

Today I stopped to imagine

If hindsight were foresight,
love languages always matched,
and needs were always met

If we never hurt each other
or let each other down
and if distance, time or death couldn’t separate

If…
If only…

How rich and beautiful the tapestry of our connections would be

Not a day goes by
that I don’t wish
I could have been what you wanted.

I wasn’t Monogamy
or Hierarchy,
but I wasn’t casual either.

No, I loved you,
all of you, each of you,
with all that I was.

I shared secrets,
my dreams, my soul,
but with many.

It still hurts
knowing you loved an idea
when I loved you for you.

I die inside
remembering your pain
even if it was inevitable.

For no one
should have to pretend in love
or live a lie.

You were beautiful,
you still are,
our incompatibilities aside.

Forgive me, loves,
for loving in the plural
and breaking all our hearts.

I used to feel lost here
without a family or a purpose.
Five times I packed up to leave.

"The island won't let me go" -
my dramatic way to shift blame
from a lack of direction.

But...
I met you
and you
and you
and you
and you

This year-long journey became twenty
Now we all have a home in each other
If I am still lost, it is only in Love.