There's a certain kind
That holds you hostage
Way up there in the bleachers
In a red-light district
Cold and cheap
It lures you because you're lurable
Attach and you're stuck up there
In a certain kind
Of dilapidated ivory tower

It's only later on
When you're broken
When the nights have woven
Their history and the light
Has drained
Only when you're pushed out
Only when you're shoved off
Only then does the truth
Begin to talk

Until then it's been silent
Though gradually loosing appetite
For despair, denial, dilemma
Only when unhooked
Does that fierce, quite dismissal
Begin to beg for something else
Only then does
A certain other kind
Begin to go wild for itself

You wonder how yourself
Moldy and molting
And mad with lies
Had so deceived its own
You wonder how
If there is a god
S'he coulda watched you bleed
With self-betrayal
And sat there idle
While you slowly crumbled

But admit it
You were terribly cocky up there
In the pink and belly-full
***** and hookered
If G O D woulda spoken
You woulda spit in the face of divinity
And you probably did

So that certain kind
Watched and waiting
For another
Certain kind
To choke the bejasus outa ya
'til you slowly faded to full stop
And dropped to your knees
To a certain other kind

I searched for you
In the crevices of my mind
Where I hid your songs
and half-meant promises
Forgotten and forgiven
Long ago forsaken
The hateful things I had in my heart
Only to undo the tears and wine
I drowned in
Only to exhume the bones I buried
When you left me
Now I find myself misshapen
My brain all the more bruised
Trying to recall the softness of your being
Thinking I shouldn't relapse
Into the addiction you gave me
But I am helpless in this war
Against my own will and sense
Because despite the scars and the beating
Of my heart when you hurt me
You were the only one
Who made me feel
Alive.

As I breathed life into your soul
I found myself hollow
Emptied of the zeal I possessed
Before you came
And crossed the narrow bridge I built
For the one brave enough to fall
And you did.

Yet I still feel deserted
As if your coming signaled my sanity to leave
As if you took every last molecule of passion
I have left
And gave nothing in return.

I have so much Love to give
I kept telling myself before You, before Us
And I gave it all

Or threw it all
Away.

I've been collecting dust on the corners of my lips
Until the day you touched my
Hands, knees, shoulders, hips
Parts of me I kept in the dark
So no one can see how easy it is
To find me
And you found this
Mess that I am, that's left of me
And fixed it effortlessly
I allowed your existence
To staple itself into mine
Beautiful, tragic, perfect
Salvaged from my own anxieties
Cradled in the home you built with your arms
Around my waist.
I fell
I kept on falling
And you caught me, timely
Now I'm collecting stardust on the corners of my lips
Wishing you'd never tire
Of holding my hands, knees, shoulders, hips.

"Always"
Is an understatement
For the number of times I think of you

You see,
"Always" doesn't quite understand what it means
To wonder how your smile manages to lock itself
In my heart
And how your voice plays in my head
Like an annoying alarm clock
Whose snooze button I never even care to press
"Always" doesn't understand
The way I see you in every daydream
And the way I fit you into every metaphor
I could ever come up with

So when you asked me if always thought of you
I said, "No."

No, I don't always think of you
I don't have to.

You’re still;
You’ll always be;
A part of me.
The thought of you
hits the spot
like the first time:
warm and easy.
Your home
is in my heart;
custom-made
to fit you
entirely;
still.

Will somebody please break my heart?
I need to create something beautiful and tragic.

I want to write about bones breaking
Bloodless veins dried up after endless nights of tear-soaked pillows
Cold mornings that make you dread ever waking up, mornings that even coffee can't fix

I want to write about the agonizing pain of rejection
Of isolation and desolation
I want to write about the way you (hypothetic lover), effortlessly outshine the stars
And even more effortlessly, outsmart the mess that I am (a messy woman seems more dramatic)

I don't want gardens growing from my skin when you touch me
I want your fingers to create stories and scars I can't undo

I want your anger and your hatred
I need to create something beautiful
So that I can destroy it
So that we can destroy it

Will somebody please break my heart?
I'm running out of disasters to write about.

What if I was funny
What if I wasn't skinny

What if today I didn't think of you

What if my fingers didn't tremble so much
What if my teeth were less crooked
And my laugh was less annoying

What if today I mattered to you

What if everything was the opposite
Of everything
And the sun was brighter at night
And it set in the East

*Would you love me then?

Who cares if it's Monday and it's 2pm
You're on my mind and on my skin
You're gnawing at my bones
Eating through my brain
It's 2pm on a cold Monday
And I miss you.

I want you to be happy.
You deserve the best.

"You’re the best."

Well, maybe I am.
Totally.
But I can’t love you best.
That’s what I’ve been trying to say.

I can’t be there for you
As much
Even if I care for you
As much
Because I don’t want you
Like that
And I don’t see us
As anything else
But
Friends.

You deserve the best
Kind of lovin’
And between you and me,
That’s not happenin’