i drove past your street two times this week
but you’re in a different state
and i’ll never step out of the car.
i want you now as you are,
i feel you believe in me in a selfless way.

two times this week
and i already want to give in,
but what if you have a lover and
she’s soft and patient and so much less afraid than i am?
i’ll make your nights an inescapable daydream,
i’ll never make you worry.

why am i just figuring this out,
that you’re all i needed?
i went to a million parties that i wished i could’ve found you in
but you were in a different state.
i keep thinking i’ll see your face
where you are not
and isn’t that a sign?

if i admit this, will you cower?
will you have not felt every single moment as i did?
i don’t want to misinterpret this.
instead i’ll drive by your street two times
and remember how it felt to be loved,
not wasted.

The days pass by

Faster and faster

Turning into weeks

Months,

Years...


Not a single second

Minute,

Hour 

Or day goes by


That I don't think of you


That I don't wonder 


What life would be like

Today

With you still in it


I may not show it


I may not speak of it


But the longing is there

Deep within


... Always


I often reflect, 

Admire

The strength you had in my youth


No matter what was thrown your way

You tossed it onto your shoulders

And carried on

Head still high


I find myself carrying on the same way

Without you here

I've tossed your memories onto my shoulders

And keep on

Keeping on

Head held high


I can relate to you in that way

And somehow it keeps me close to you


There are layers

Too many to explain in depth

But I know

And I remember 

How life felt with you in it

And I reflect 

I relate


Because I was once 

A part of you


And now you...


Every second

Every minute,

Hour

Everyday

For forever


... Are a part of me.

Some nights,
it feels like I’m running out of air—
sinking slowly into the kind of quiet
that wraps around your chest
and doesn’t let go.

I reach for you in the stillness,
my hand stretching toward
a presence that isn’t there.
The space beside me answers
with nothing but still air.

The days are gentler.
They offer distractions—
tasks to complete, people to smile for,
moments that keep the ache at bay.

But the nights?
They are heavy.
They close in like water,
and every thought grows louder,
shouting in the silence.

Memories rise like waves.
And I can’t stop myself
from wondering—
do you ever lie awake,
missing me too?

Nolan, I miss what you were
You were the sun
You were the stars
You were the planets
You were my favorite person to talk to
You were days and nights thinking about you
You were mostly fine  
  
                             I'll love you until the sun explodes
                             The moon erodes
                              and the earth implodes

I was water
I was air
I wasn't clear
You aren't here

I miss your hair
I miss your clear words
I miss you
I miss you calling me your type

For days I have been

living without him, but hey --


I cannot skip them.

I asked for forgiveness, but you pushed me away,
I wanted you to understand that we were both suffering,
but you left your scent on the sheets,
and I would give anything to be in your arms again.

The morning came, but it left me wondering-
How will I fill this void that you left behind?
The day stretches on, promises long
and I'm alone with no one to ease my mind.

I can't bear this loneliness, I miss you so much,
I have no one left to confide in, no tender touch.
I spend my days looking out the window,
Hoping, still hoping, to have you back by my side.

Everything is falling apart, I'm lost for words,
What will become  of me? The silence hurts.
I wait for you as if you'll come home once more,
But the memories haunt me, and I'm still at war.

I wish for time to make them fade away,
But the past won't leave me, and it's here to stay.
I think about you more than words can say-
Sometimes, I hear the sound of your voice, so far away.

The years pass by, and with them I see
How lucky I was to have you next to me.
I'll wait and I'll wait for as long as it takes,
Never stopped loving you - no matter what is makes.

In the darkness of night, I begged you to stay,
And since you've been gone, I've been lost in the grey.
Under my eyelids, your image is clear,
I was meant to love you - this much I hold dear.

It hurt me to hurt you, the pain still stings,
I've never suffered so much for anything,
But I don't want freedom, I don't want to be free
I just want to stay in the business of loving you, endlessly

It’s easier to be mad at you than it is to admit that I miss you.
It’s easier to pretend to hate you than it is to admit that I love you.

I don’t think you’ll leave my mind any time soon.
Genuinely, You are the stars to my moon.
Honestly, I hope you never will; I hope it just gets easier on my heart.
I patiently wait to hear from you still, which honestly sounds really stupid—I swear to God, I’m actually pretty smart.

It may not seem that way because you’ve turned my world upside down.
I promise I don’t typically walk around with a constant frown.

I’m fine, really. I’m just trying to heal.
Most of the time, my brain tries to convince me that you’re not even real.

You see, my brain does this thing where it makes me forget.
You’d think that would be helpful during hard times like this.

And although it can be helpful, it also really hurts.
Because I don’t want to forget you,
Remembering that you exist keeps me from living in the dirt.

Okay, that may be dramatic, but I can’t really help it.
I’ve always had emotions too strong to control, but I’m trying my best to deal with it.

They say it’s a superpower, and I swear I’m trying to believe them.
Because honestly, it mostly feels like a curse, not a hidden gem.

My emotions have always controlled me, so I’m trying my best to learn to control them.
I figure it’s the best way to solve most of my problems.

You see, I am emotional, loving, and kind.
But most people don’t know that because I don’t let them into my mind.

But you? You’re stuck there. Like I said, you live rent-free. But I need to try to move on because I also understand that I need to let you be.

We both have demons that we’re fighting with every day.
Although I wish I could be there to help you fight yours,
I don’t want to stand in your way.

In the way of happiness,
The way of a future with her.
You see, I’d rather you be happy, even if it’s not with me—
Even though you are my clarity while everything else is a blur.

You see, that coping mechanism that I mentioned,
The one about subconsciously forgetting?
Yeah, well no matter how hard I’ve tried to fix it, I can’t; which is extremely frustrating and upsetting. Honestly, mostly I just find it so ******* confusing. I don’t ever have control over it, but I guess my feelings for you are the reason it’s diffusing.

When it comes to you, it’s hard to forget anything you said. When you spoke, it’s like my brain was writing down notes by carving them into my head.

Like, I remember your middle name and that you were born in March.
I even remember the color of your eyes and the way your smile has a slight arch.
You see, you mostly sent me pictures of your smirk, and I think I know why.
You’re busy fighting your demons so much,
Trying your best to forget, even if that means getting high.

So, you can’t genuinely smile much because you’re in so much pain.
I can relate and it makes my heart hurt,
And I wish I could help take it all away.

I could write for hours about you, but I should let my brain rest.
As I mentioned, you’re living rent-free in my head,
And I need to get some energy for tomorrow.
You see, every day I’ve really been failing the “I don’t miss you” test.

And as you mourn the memory of her
I mourn the memory of you

Still,
I imagine a future
where you
and I
exist together

Unfortunately,
I know
we never will

Reminiscing about a love that was in my dreams. A love that was its own chapter. The chapter been over. I’m just re reading it. Hoping for a different outcome.

But it won’t come. It never will.