i believe it was a tuesday morning!
i remember i had a reason to wake up -
to squeeze the last bit of toothpaste
from the tube.
to get right back in the ******* loop.

i believe i caught a glimpse of a child
through the foggy bathroom mirror,
laced with my minty breath.
it felt strange...
i took offense at his looks,
the way he eyed me down.
in his defense though,
i had caught him with his guards down.

he didn't say much,
not that he did anyway.
just nodded softly at me,
whispered almost,
'alright! guess i'll be going then...'
with a flicker of a smile
never to be seen again.

i believed at the time it was best for him
to not see the light on my face go dim
didn't realize then i'd pay such a solemn price;
as I let him go, not thinking twice.

i believe it came quite naturally to me -
finding good reasons not to be.
that day, i found yet another;
it was just enough to help me see -
the error of my ways...
like a rat in a maze, how i end up
reliving the worst of my days.

i still believe i could turn things around.
give the kid a reason to be proud.
i'd whisper softly into the foggy bathroom mirror,
'we're ok, little buddy...
everything's going to be ok!'
i believe i could get him to say,
'alright... i'll stay!'

You've got this, don't give up the fight,

Keep pushing forward, shine with all your light.

Believe in yourself, you're strong and bright,

Your dreams are near, just hold on tight.

Don't let fears stop you, face them with cheer,

You'll overcome, and banish all fear.

Take small steps, keep moving ahead,

Success awaits, in every step you've said.

You're amazing, unique and bold,

Your future's bright, your story's yet untold.

Get up, stand tall, and shine,

Believe in yourself, you're divine.

You're special, one of a kind,

Make your mark, leave your shine.

Be brave, take the first step too,

And watch your dreams come true

Don't give up, keep moving ahead,

You'll reach your dreams, and succeed instead.

Okay so my poetry is my journal. I hope you think it's worth the time. When I say you it's either the audience or someone I won't name. I have always known that I was insane since I was in middle school.
You Have No Idea, if you do then congrats to you.
You Have No Idea, my anxiety and depression can get so bad it feels like being torn in two.
You Have No Idea, my bipolar disorder goes through all of my emotions draining me of my summer tan to a pale tone.
You Have No Idea, I am a high functioning sociopath just no one will say it out loud, I have a heart and a mind, I notice things other people don't.
You Have No Idea, look me in the eyes, see I am human too.

I tried to lock him out
But he somehow found his way back in
The monster, the dark mist that slowly takes hold of my body
Until his tendrils wrap around my limbs and throat
Rendering me unable to breathe or to speak
So I curl up in bed and wait it out
"This feeling is fleeting," I repeat
It stays long enough to rid me of any flicker of hope,
extinguishing any sparkle in my eyes
Leaving me numb
Alone to pick up the pieces
Until he chooses to visit again

Long drives, chai and that heavy metal song

Days may have been shorter but those nights always felt long

Wonder why these little things

Pinch every moment I live today

With every breath chasing answers

Every prayer cajoling you to still stay

Every day, since you left, feels unreal,

something I refuse to always believe

It shocks me how my mind sets those dark deals

Contemplating your choice to instantly leave

Nights are sleepless, as days pass by

Yet nothing remains other than the regret of those past lies

My heart sinks recalling every memory we shared

Can't even describe how living this life has never made me this scared.

The world without you was still as normal as before

But in my head, it all felt as if I sank just a tad bit more

As I stepped out of those four walls into reality

I left a piece of my broken self among those closed doors

Voices are silenced and memories have faded like sawdust in the air

You've gone to stars, as my fingers tremble to see you there.

That urge to strongly get out of here

never thought it would make me fear

Every word I said repeats constantly inside

As regret fills me up and my will to live dies

Was sort of pain already never enough

You had to teach me this lesson as you rest in the heavens above

Wish I could show you what it felt like

to feel what you've made me feel in this very time

Tarnishing my ability to internally heal

Feeling like I was worth less than a dime

Crying, sobbing, reminiscing isn't abnormal in these stages

Grief is so wholesome, it fades but never ages

Wounds feel as fresh as new as they hit my heart

Rewind is so addictive, can't begin to restart

Dark nights or sunny days

Stormy sights alongside a summery haze

Nothing matches up to such harsh goodbyes

Except me asking a thousand whys

Eventually, I know we'll all find something new to taste,

a new perspective that'll never go to waste,

yet welcoming this novel self that I become,

closes a portion of me that's so tight and numb

Every morning I ask God a million questions

About what may have possibly gone wrong

Agonising this personal invasion

And feeling as if nowhere is where I truly belong

With no answers but teary eyes,

that forcefully shut through these terrible mental bytes,

of familiarity that sticks to you being around,

my new normal is so unbearably drowned

I've been walking on this

never-ending highway to a living human hell,

With a drop of inevitable trauma and

the feeling of frozen body cells

There's a space that remains empty

That possibly can't be refilled

I hope you forgive me gently

As closure defeats the intuitive guilt

The human body has been known to forget

To restart, refresh, retake and reset

But no film matches to the ****** of this one

You were so much more than what can't now be undone

I'm obviously progressing through the present as it may seem,

but that night, that decision, that action still is as if it were a dream,

when the trauma shall surpass, the memories appear,

never had the thought of losing you this year

You're the memory I'll never forget,

those days we spent can't be over just yet,

truth is you ain't here anymore,

you've left too soon and will be missed to the core

Sleep. Crawl out of bed. Coffee. Walk. Eat.

Sleep. Eat. Sleep.
Repeat.
Deep. Rest.
Depressed.
So
Obsessed
With
How I feel -
What’s even real?
Tell me
Because
I don’t know,
Maybe just leave me alone.
In my comfort zone
That is becoming hell.
Stuck in a shell
That is crushing me,
It’s getting smaller,
I can’t breathe.

Help me… crawl. Out.

S p r a w l o u t
G i v e  m e  s o m e

S      P     A     C     E

and some fresh air
In case
I run out of it here…

Children in backyards playing in the sunshine of summertime;
Swing sets and trampolines, ***** feet and scarred knees.
Wandering through the forest, free to be explorers;
Sleeping in tents always made the most sense.
Those were some good days, living in our old place.

Come winter, we’d jump out of bed, gather the sleds;
Adventures to the big hill, always a thrill.
Snowball fights on starry nights
Until we were satisfied, then warmed by the fireside.
Those were some fun days, living in our old place.

As we got older, life seemed colder;
From my brothers, my father and my mother
The distance increased and the days ceased
When we would play and it was all okay.
Those were some lonely days, living in our old place

Depression visited me too young, the isolation wasn't fun;
Eleven years old, I was sternly told
That of it I should not speak, life became excessively bleak.
Overcome with sadness, an innocent girl navigating through the madness.
Those were some hard days, living in our old place.

Wondering where all the love went and the quality time spent,
Lacking a meaningful connection, absent of familial affection.
Alone in a poorly lit bedroom, experiencing psychological gloom.
Riddled with confusion and fear, everything became more unclear.
Those were some scary days, living in our old place.

We moved on our separate ways, trying to land a job that pays
And find friends who would make amends
To my broken heart, offering a brand new start.
But nothing quite compared to the love that I had for you...
During all those good days, living in our old place.

Maybe emotional neglect has a lifelong effect,
Remaining difficult to let go of the hurt that continued to grow
When I was only a child. Still longing to be reconciled
While learning how to cope, forever holding on to hope
Throughout these restless days, living in our new place.