I'm the host of a ghost and the most that I know is I feel it burrowing deep in my soul. Like a monster it stares at me, yet cares for me too. Watching me patiently sink in the blue. Waves come down crashing like a party around, and even with you here sometimes there's no sound. It's shameful and lousy and frankly it's sick, that even with a love like this I get lost so quick. It's silly, offensive, and sometimes just cruel that I keep crying like we're in some duel. You'll forgive and forget but the feelings will linger, "is she manipulating me?" with my cunning bee stinger. And I'm shouting like the wicked witch "Oh, I'm melting, I'm melting" and I'm tearing like a crooked ***** while I'm belting and belting, "I'm melting, I'm melting," and swearing I'm caring but can I really care if everytime you need me I'm never really there? Frankly it's not fair! It's not fair that my tone falls flatter and low, and my body starts to move so heavy and slow, or my eyes shut tight and my head starts to hurt or my heart starts to panic and my **** eyes just burst. It's not fair that I can't listen without hearing my mind. Take one step forward, stepping five more behind. It's not fair that I don't think of you each second of the day because while I'm busy hating me, you're hoping I'm okay. You're doing everything you can like a single mom of five, and you don't even know you are the reason I'm alive. You make me smile in a way I've never seen myself before, and when you hold my body I just feel my whole world soar. I could spend forever with you, but I worry anyways- because I cannot promise you I won't ruin our nice days. I can't guarantee I won't just fall upon the tile in a bitter act of drama and just stay there for a while. I can't swear to you I'll rise and clean the whole house while you're gone rather than stay in bed asleep because my mind just is all wrong. You can't just trust that I won't lie or stretch the pain to keep the peace, and I would never ask you to just ignore that whole beast. If you love me, that's a joy I'll constantly question myself each day, because I'm still battling my health and I worry if you'll stay. And if you'll stay with me, you should know you make me whole. You watch the ghost beside me, while you protect my soul.
This is about the complex feelings I have about myself and the love and support I get.
