Well, what my age is?

I have many and waver --


Which one shall I choose?

I kept walking for forty years;
I had my joys and my tears.

I was a daughter, mother and wife;
I was told that this is life.

I have no regrets.
I have met my targets set.

Then why this question sounds New?
When she asked me “Who are you”?

I fumbled; I stumbled.
But the question is still unanswered.

I am sad, I am nervous;
I was walking with No Purpose.

Maybe it's ok to let it go;
No one else will ever know.

Or, maybe it’s time to walk again;
To finally find “Who I Am”.

How am i?
You want the truth?
I'm broken
Not the type you get when you didn't get your way so you're slightly disappointed. I'm heart broken. My heart is aching deep inside my chest, it trembles because it's now coming to terms with what my brain already knows.
How am i?
I am in pain ...
I have alot of physical ailments but nothing, nothing at all compares to crying yourself to sleep, waking up from sleeping crying, going through your day crying. I've cried for 3 days now.
How am i?
I'm trying to be strong.
Why?  I know if you knew how I really feel you'll be devastated so I lie, I tell you I'm doing okay, I'm great, fantastic...while  having..tears on my cheeks....so you can focus on you. I went to school trying to hide my tears but then I saw my friend and I broke down. I actually gripped at my heart and I told her it hurts soooo bad. My heart was beating like normal but yet it hurt so bad. I cried so much that I accepted it, class mates passed me and asked "Are you ok?" I said "I'm great, ignore the tears I have allergies".
How am i?
I'm hurt.
So so so so so so hurt. You wanted to stop hurting me so much that you decided to break my heart instead. I hate you for that.  You promised me you wouldn't break my heart. Then why am I crying everyday, why does my heart ache, why am I not eating....why am I in such pain.....why do I feel so.... empty.
How am I?
I don't know.
I'm so many things yet nothing all at once.
I wouldn't wish heart break on an enemy if I had any.
It's painful...no one deserves to feel like they're nothing,...
No one deserves to feel broken.




                                                     ­               Jonesy 2020 (c)

I hide my lacerating dreams
maps form then fall.
Little fingers tangle neurons
tugging at timid gazes and lore.

I plant thorns on your mouth
pretend it to be a rose .
Your shadow passes
a neophyte’s ashes blowing in the wind.

I build a pyre for each encounter
stripping my body fictitious sins.
I turn my back to the heat
a stranger devouring her soul.

Invisible now, I step out
consecrated tombs stand where I once stood.
I stare at prophetic torture fields
and listen to the howling of memory.

I scatter words to thaw out the void
love letters inscribed in blood.
They settle on a crater or two
A still born silence and frozen sap.

But cascading noise drown these verses
made from doubt in silk threads.
Lean sentences gone terribly wrong
On the beaten road to hell.

She asks,
      how can you be happy
      living in this
      no bedroom *******
      that somehow gets smaller
      with every sigh?
      We weren’t supposed
      to be these people,
      happily moving hot air
      from one place to the next.

We are like mannequins now
      every aching minute together
same faces and no new words.

I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
It takes a while for my seed to sprout.
But he was a gentleman
And he watered me everyday.
He believed in my growth
Although he himself did not know how to grow.

I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But in this cruel world I'm beginning to sprout,
Gentle this creature was
He made sure he  gave me sun every day
For he wanted me to grow.

I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But today I finally sprout.
I'm glad I can now sustain him
Now it is my turn to believe in him
He can finally enjoy my fragrance and the beauty in my petals.
I can now help you to grow too
Just like you have shown me.

We don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But I'm here now
Bobbing my head, dancing to the wind.
Showing you that with patience anything is possible.
Let me show you how to grow under these harsh conditions.
©jonesy2019

To whom it may concern,

You seem to be having a blast with my voodoo doll, just making out these terrible situations for me; sitting there and plotting the best way to f me over. I think to myself there's no way I'll let you get to me not today, but you always have the last say.

So I decided today was the day I wrote a letter to my Saboteur.

Hopefully now you'll stop getting in my head telling me I ain't worth it,
That boy will never love you don't you ever understand it.
I try and try to ignore you
Tell me about all my flaws
How I never do anything right
"How do you keep looking at yourself, you're such an eye sore"

Today I decided to write a letter to my Saboteur.

These letters seem to be working, you haven't sabotage me recently.
No more shady moments
No more feeling bad.
Its been a few days now since I last heard from my saboteur but that's only because I stopped listening to myself.

©Jonesy2019