I live in a time when we hide our faces
I live in a time when we still fight for equal rights for all races
I live in a time when school shootings are the norm
I live in a time when history is taking another new form

I live in a generation who jokes about death
I live in a generation who laugh and cry in a single shaky breath
I live in a generation who don’t believe the truth
I live in a generation who never had a happy youth

I live in a world while I scream and shout
I live in a world while no one lets me out
I live in a world while I am trying to cope
I live in a world while I cling to hope

I live in a place where school children are waiting to die
I live in a place where boys are told that “real men don’t cry”
I live in a place where dreams are killed
I live in a place where a higher death count means our leaders are skilled

Still, I live
In this place,
In this time,
And I will survive.

I live in a house
I live in a home
I live in a body I can call my own

I live in a bubble I’m trying to pop
I live in a mind unwilling to stop
I live in a note, a powerful song
I live in a voice that is still singing strong

When news of the pandemic reached my high school, no one was thinking of the impact that year.
We all thought that the government would never close our schools.
They would leave us to die, and we would wait to be killed.
The first thought when we were told that school would not be the same was, well this just means I won’t die by a bullet while trying to pass geometry.
When did trying to survive high school become so literal?
I am terrified that I will never hug my friends again.
I am terrified that I have had my last moments in high school.
I wanted a graduation.
I wanted a prom.
I wanted to sing and perform.
I wanted to be somewhat happy.
I don’t know how to stop this pain in my chest, spreading more and more hurting me beyond anyone’s comprehension.
I am so alone, and yet I crave the quiet.
It’s too loud, but no one is singing.
I just want to have the memories that everyone has.
I just want to hug my best friend again.
I want to worry about college, not how and when, and where I will die.
I want to be a kid, for the next few months.
Because this is the last chance I’ll get.
And the end of my childhood will be marked by months of being alone and devastated.
I just want to be a kid while I still can.

I've got no buttons on my pants
And my shirt is on backwards

I still think
I can climb into the sky
To find God hiding up there
In all Her mystery
And tug on Her sleeve
And whisper my fear and my hopes and what I'm thinking
And She'll listen and they wont be bad and
Then She'd remind me of the times I've shamed myself
Help me laugh at my own serious reflection
At trying to not make mistakes
At saying I did something
So bad
So monumental
It was and is worth my shame

Before pinching the back of my shirt
Scruff of my neck
Lowering me back down down down down down down
Until im plopped back onto the hilltop
I dared to call my own

she thinks older than her age
but she plays like a kid with bliss
like a ferocious dragon—treated wrong
face the fiery rage, you’d lose your wits.

treating her right does not guarantee a kiss
only to the one she loves
she’d grant that wish
you do her wrong
not a piece of you would be missed.

like a kid she goes
willing to play and learn
eyes gaze at her with awe
what a sight to see
lovely as she.

And now it's over
The hours count down
No more water
No more home
No more free
No more crown

Just a desk and some work
Just a phone and a girl
Just a sunset sad boy
Loving the world

Or hating
Hate the people
Hate emotions
Hate the power
That the feeling he's knowing
Is the encroaching by the hour

It's surreal enough to laugh
And it's absurd that he might cry
And the sunset summer kid goes to wipe away his eye

His girl, his work, and his hope.
Begins now.
So do.
Or die.

He's going to try
He's gone without
For a year now

There is no die
There is no doubt
It's hard not to see how,

He won't succeed
His confidence agreed
So he wants to ask
Her hand in love

A safety pin hangs
In his closet
An ungiven gift
Waiting for the night
That lovely night
When he knows
That he'll love again.

Heavy head
Heavy heart
I did the thing
I said I'd do from the start

I didn't chicken out
I committed
I breathed

I breathed in relief
For now I know I can
I'm free because I don't care
It's a liberating feeling
To prove it

I breath in
The stench of confidence
Of sleepy gratitude
That I did it

I tried
I succeeded
And I'll do it again.

With a friend
Or two
He makes a last stand

A last word
On a fleeting land

Tell him it's over
He'll hold on tighter
So he's grasping the air
Is that a lighter?

The final stand
Of numb dejection
Well guess what
He succumbs

The story goes on.

Who does he look to
With a sense of safety
Her and her words
Because she feels like quiet

Like sinking
In a good way

Like Icarus
In that one picture

She makes him feel
Like the sun
Like the deep

She is the blue
And the red
And she makes him
Feel better

But he worries
If she can make him
Feel better
She might leave
Then what will he feel?

However there is an awful interjection
Specially or required re-inspection
He has to leave The Room
His room
And he breaks
Attacks riddle a weaker boy
And he thinks fondly of summers prior

He recalls a world free of those anxieties
Could you imagine?
He thinks of this now with a sense,
Of crippling disassociation

****
The feeling is fading
He doesn't want that feeling to fade
That would mean admitting defeat
That would mean it never really mattered
Did it matter?