Journal Entry #11

People in my life always ask me why I don't date, my mother included. And we can now add my therapist to that list as well.

I told my therapist I find dating humorous and annoying currently.
I think my answer caught her by surprise as she smiled at me and then asked why?
So I decided throwing out actual scenarios would be my best course of action.

I told her for starters I'm completely oblivious when a guy is interested.

For instance:

My Mother: "Honey, why didn't you end up going out with that nice boy, he seemed like a good person for you?

My Response: "Mom, I planned on going out with him. But then I started watching that movie What Woman Want with Mel Gibson, and I came to the conclusion that I'd rather not wear pants.
So I never left my apartment."
~~~~~~~~~~

My best friend: "Hey, that guy over there keeps looking at you. He's totally checking you out!"

My Response: "Naw, he probably has something in his eye and just so happens to be looking in my general direction. He was probably eating something spicy and touched his face. You don't know!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Sister: "Umm, that man was clearly hitting on you. He was just just taken by you, it was so obvious! He was smiling at you the entire time."

My Response: "Naw, he was just really interested in what my preferences on vacuums were."
~~~~~~~~~~~

My therapist laughed at my awkward interactions with men and then went on to say,

"Clearly men are interested in you, but maybe you're just not ready to even be open to the idea of dating again, and that's why you really don't see when men are actually interested in you. How do you feel about that?"

My Response: "I think in part that's very true. But I also think that the idea of actually having to put on pants and talk to men is just a huge no thanks. I think the day I even humor another mans existence will be the day a man makes me happier than eating bread in a pile of freshly washed laundry.
A girls gotta have her standards."

Journal Entry #9

To lame to stand how I feel..
I press my lips to this glass filled with forget and I swallow deep.

Standing in nothing but a t-shirt, alone in this big empty apartment. I take solace in this glass to numb the pain within.

But as the music changes a song that reminds me of you starts playing.
How Ironic wouldnt you say...


I close my eyes tightly...
tense up..
try to fight it...
but before I know it my body is a slave to this beat and it makes my body come alive.

My hand grazes my bare thighs and I lose myself just briefly....
I pause, as I remember how good it felt when you touched me.

I remember the electricity and how you use to look at me.
God, the chemistry...
moments later your face appears so clear and perfect in my mind.

"Oh god, I hate this!" I think, as I press into the counter top behind me.
I try my hardest to stop thinking about you but memories of you are coming in waves and im being swept away.

I cant help but imagine what it felt like when youd slide your hands to wrap around me...
my god, the safest I ever felt.


I ache for you.

These memories are torment.

Tears stream down my flushed cheeks.

I bring my hand to my lips and I'm lost again.
I imagine bringing your lips to mine and how much of a rush it was each time.
You were intoxicating.
Kissing you was like a drug I could never kick.
Always wanting more.
Entangled in eachother.
Hold tight, each moment I did. Never wanting it to end.
Kissing in such synchronisation. Kissing you was nothing but second nature.

But I fight it, I try and shake it off.
shake you off.
my hips begin to sway falling slave again to our perfect song.
To the beat of my favorite song. The song about us.


I dont know how you do it.
I dont know how you forget such an addicting thing we had.
But you did and I'm lost with only memories now.
Memories I have to bury.
Because they give me so much pleasure but also so much pain.

Journal Entry #3

It's been a few days since I listened to all those songs that reminded me of you.
But before I begin..
Lemme just ask..
Have you ever listened to a song that just touched you?

Its weird just today I was on my way home driving in the snow.
This song came on that I hadn't heard in years and it brought me to tears.
Not tears of sadness, but tears of happiness.
This song reminded me of who I use to be.
So confident.
No ***** given.
No holding back.
I spoke my mind.

I was such a fun loving person before I met you.
And this song made me realize that I had given so much of myself to you, and along the devastating way, I lost myself.
I lost so much of myself trying to love you.

The songs called "Don't let me stop you by Kelly Clarkson."
Below is my version revised of her original song.


I used to be a little bit shy.
Little bit broken inside.
I kept my deepest feelings inside.
Speaking up to anyone about my feelings has always been hard.
But this just can't wait.

I finally found myself again.
I'm feeling pretty brave.
So no more holding back with you.

This is gonna sound kind of silly,
But I couldn't help but notice
Feeling like there's something between us.

But I'm not into games.
Got no patience for that kind of game.
If you don't need to be with me,
And I don't need to hold on,

Then by all means...

Don't let me let me stop you,
From doing what you wanna do.
If You don't wanna stick with me just it's cool.
It'll take me no time getting over you.

I'm not glass baby.
If you wanna leave baby you can leave.
Just don't pretend that you're into me.

There's a lot of things I can take.
Got a high threshold for pain.
But let's get one thing straight,
I'm not down to share you with anyone.
If that's not what you're looking for..
****, nice knowing you, but honey there's the door.

I'm not worried, cause I know that I can find someone who'll give me what I want.

I don't wanna hear goodbye,
But either way I'll be just fine.

Journal entry #2

Curled up on the bathroom floor.
I stare down at my phone, so long, that my eyes glaze over.
Surprised I remembered all the songs that use to set my soul on fire.
Music was always my second love, and then there was you.

Already tipsy, I take a long swig from my bottle of jack and say to myself, (Rip it, its just like a bandaid just do it.)

I hit shuffle and the first song that plays is...
(H.O.L.Y. by Florida Georgia Line)

The pain that washed over me was excruciating. It made every hair on my body stand and shiver. Tears fell from my eyes as my mind brought me right back to that time, and that place, in that car, as I brought you to our home and you sang that song to me.

I remember thanking God in this moment.
I finally had you back. I remember thinking how lucky I was... Blessed.
Thinking we conquered it all.
Feeling like I had died and gone to heaven and there you were.

I felt short of breath, I felt like I was suffocating. Because I  never knew such a happiness existed...never wanting someone so much in your life..

Try to see this through my eyes.
Life hasent always been good to me.
I try to see the good in life.
But good things in life are hard to find.
But then, in walks a man I thought was sent from heaven.
Maybe, it was finally my time to be happy?

God is that you?

Too blind to see it at the time, but God was saying No the entire time.

I was blown away, what could I say?
It all seemed to make sense at the time.
Stupid me, thinking he loved me, as much as I loved him.

Journal entry #1


After driving home from my first therapy session.
I parked my car and sat there for a while.

Digesting, I guess you could say.
I let the words of my therapist circle my brain like a category 5 hurricane.

Her master plan of getting me over you, our divorce, and all the pain that still firmly consumed me was something I really didn't want to do.

(Make a musical playlist of all the songs that reminded/remind you of your ex husband. Find songs that he's dedicated to you, sang to you or just songs that hold sentimental value to you. Furthermore, she said I needed to cry, grieve, let it all out some way.)

But I didn't want to.
Why dig up **** you've buried?
Why resurrect what's been dead?
Breathe life back into feelings I wish never existed?

I sat in my car for hours.
Hating the idea of resurrecting my love, my feelings for you.
And I'll admit I got close.
Almost convinced myself to blow it all off...
Say to hell with this ****.

But then I heard my mothers words ring out in my mind.
"I see your pain and it brings me nothing but pain. I don't see my daughter when I look at you. All I can see is the reflection of your pain in your eyes."

It cut deep, not ganna lie.
And if you knew me personally, you'd know how much I love and adore my mother.

I exhaled in defeat...
Rolled my eyes...
Got out of the car dreading what I knew I had to do.