Journal Entry #13

I know its been sometime since I've written, but in my defense
I've been a busy girl.

I turn thirty-two in a couple days, and I'll be honest..
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This year has been nothing but changes for me.
Walked away from a toxic marriage.
Moved away from everyone and everything I know.
Walked away from childhood friendships,
Because they refused to grow...
Depression took over and consumed my life...
Crippling me.
I was alone.
With nothing...
But pain to keep me company.

But...
See...
That's one thing about me...
I've always been about bettering mine.
I may forget how strong I am temporarily.
But I'm not the type to roll over and die just like that.
All those so called people in my life that said they loved me.
Always wanting me to do good, but never better than them.
An ex husband who blinded me with lies and his own misery.
It's sad once you realize these were the kinds of people I let take up so much of my time...


But none of you really knew me at all...
Never thought I'd stand up on my own two feet again..
Get my **** together again.

You thought you knew me.
But that's one thing about me.
As soon as you doubt me,
I'll show you how hard I grind.
Proved all of you wrong, all at the same time.

I can't give no more time to that petty ****.
The petty life you chose to live.
You're steady complaining about your life,
but doing nothing to change it.
Drowning in your own misery.
Assuming I'd always be along for the ride.
why'd I tolerate that **** for so long?

But see,
I'm not that same girl you use to know.
And that's one thing you just never saw.
You're not moving,
You're stagnate in your own misery.
You're not growing with me.
Its just time I let you go.
I have no more sympathy to give to you.

Oh, you think I'm heartless.
Well get this...
This is how I see this...

If I can stand up from my own personal hell of...
Loss...
Heartache...
Loneliness...
Misery...
Divorce...
Dep­ression..
Lift my own self up..
Walk out into better days..
All because I made the choice to change things.

Why cant you?


I'll be honest...
I hate that I had to let you go...
I get it you're upset with me..
That's okay I'll let you be.
Yeah, I hear some of you are hatin' me.
I had mad love & respect for you..
But that's the thing about me..
And yea,
I know you say...
I'm selfish...
But...
I cant grow with people in my life who refuse to grow with me.

It's a book of letters to myself
To remember my loss,
My grief and heartache.

It's a counseling mechanism
To maneuver easily between periods of time,
Lonely increments and shallow waters.

It's a group of papers and inked pen
To imprint and scar a white destitute,
An empty canvas, an unwritten book.

It's the company of three dimensional personalities
To converse and decipher identity,
Purpose, spirituality, and direction.

It's a rhythmic set of words
To convey my need for self-actualization,
Importance of thought and a barrage of unspoken ideas.

Journal Entry #11

People in my life always ask me why I don't date, my mother included. And we can now add my therapist to that list as well.

I told my therapist I find dating humorous and annoying currently.
I think my answer caught her by surprise as she smiled at me and then asked why?
So I decided throwing out actual scenarios would be my best course of action.

I told her for starters I'm completely oblivious when a guy is interested.

For instance:

My Mother: "Honey, why didn't you end up going out with that nice boy, he seemed like a good person for you?

My Response: "Mom, I planned on going out with him. But then I started watching that movie What Woman Want with Mel Gibson, and I came to the conclusion that I'd rather not wear pants.
So I never left my apartment."
~~~~~~~~~~

My best friend: "Hey, that guy over there keeps looking at you. He's totally checking you out!"

My Response: "Naw, he probably has something in his eye and just so happens to be looking in my general direction. He was probably eating something spicy and touched his face. You don't know!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Sister: "Umm, that man was clearly hitting on you. He was just just taken by you, it was so obvious! He was smiling at you the entire time."

My Response: "Naw, he was just really interested in what my preferences on vacuums were."
~~~~~~~~~~~

My therapist laughed at my awkward interactions with men and then went on to say,

"Clearly men are interested in you, but maybe you're just not ready to even be open to the idea of dating again, and that's why you really don't see when men are actually interested in you. How do you feel about that?"

My Response: "I think in part that's very true. But I also think that the idea of actually having to put on pants and talk to men is just a huge no thanks. I think the day I even humor another mans existence will be the day a man makes me happier than eating bread in a pile of freshly washed laundry.
A girls gotta have her standards."

Journal Entry #9

To lame to stand how I feel..
I press my lips to this glass filled with forget and I swallow deep.

Standing in nothing but a t-shirt, alone in this big empty apartment. I take solace in this glass to numb the pain within.

But as the music changes a song that reminds me of you starts playing.
How Ironic wouldnt you say...


I close my eyes tightly...
tense up..
try to fight it...
but before I know it my body is a slave to this beat and it makes my body come alive.

My hand grazes my bare thighs and I lose myself just briefly....
I pause, as I remember how good it felt when you touched me.

I remember the electricity and how you use to look at me.
God, the chemistry...
moments later your face appears so clear and perfect in my mind.

"Oh god, I hate this!" I think, as I press into the counter top behind me.
I try my hardest to stop thinking about you but memories of you are coming in waves and im being swept away.

I cant help but imagine what it felt like when youd slide your hands to wrap around me...
my god, the safest I ever felt.


I ache for you.

These memories are torment.

Tears stream down my flushed cheeks.

I bring my hand to my lips and I'm lost again.
I imagine bringing your lips to mine and how much of a rush it was each time.
You were intoxicating.
Kissing you was like a drug I could never kick.
Always wanting more.
Entangled in eachother.
Hold tight, each moment I did. Never wanting it to end.
Kissing in such synchronisation. Kissing you was nothing but second nature.

But I fight it, I try and shake it off.
shake you off.
my hips begin to sway falling slave again to our perfect song.
To the beat of my favorite song. The song about us.


I dont know how you do it.
I dont know how you forget such an addicting thing we had.
But you did and I'm lost with only memories now.
Memories I have to bury.
Because they give me so much pleasure but also so much pain.