my earliest memory of yeye (grandfather)
is one with the garden
it was once a large space of emptiness, yet
sometimes emptiness is not a lack of but an opportunity
for planting and for growing

in this garden he planted memories
looping a hose around the garden suddenly created new meaning
chasing after turtles my cheeks turned rosy and drenched in the sun the details are so clear
it’s like watching a motion picture in slow motion, the speed of everything melting into a single emotion i can only describe as childish joy.

and when the sun slept the garden was still alight
with firecrackers and sparklers
the sizzling sound of springtime spirit
he kept the garden glowing, bustling and radiating with life.

as i grew the flowers did too,
a new type of rose, fruit, bud each time i came back
and this is where i learn
how life begins and ends
just like flowers we must seek the sun
wilt and
fall
root and rise
and only then
can we bloom
and he bloomed so bright that the Lord hand picked him

and so he may have left his own garden
but he has not wilted
he only continues to bloom
this time in the garden of heaven.

No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

I don’t have the desire to see another end;
after exhaustive months of getting to know
a fictionalised persona, fragmented, so

No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

The last one hurt and you didn’t see,
but that doesn’t proclaim the scar less prominent to me,
my feelings numb, I no longer crave the intimacy - detrimental to me.

No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

The last boys touch was for him not for me
and my body still screams cause he won’t let it be
and you’ll never understand as the trauma won’t subside
and my self esteem is diminished by his lies.

No, I don’t have a boyfriend.

I humoured a guy who gave it a try
but all I could feel was nothing inside
and when someone bumps into me sauntering by
the unwanted touch still makes me cry.

No, I don't want a boyfriend.

Walking into the room
My mind goes boom
There he lie
Dead
As I try
Not to cry
I realise he's
Dead
I'm calm
My mind feels no harm
am I sick in the head
my grandad lays
Dead
And I show no emotion
brewing inside me is a
Potion of feelings ready explode
it hits he again
oh **** he's
Dead
but instead of crying I
hold it in am
dying inside
my mind is on a rolercoaster ride
what do I do
should I hide from my
Dead
grandad instead of any upset
I feel glad he had
a great long life
but now he's
Dead
from this day on I will strive
to be alike my
Dead grandad

from the tears,
to the gold.
to the years you hold...
or 'held'.
so easy I forget...
or 'forgot'

Amber, Amber you,
now and forever,
folded into gold.
earthly embrace,
ground must fold...

rest my dear
the years were great.
for now though,
those Amber dreams await...

I'm all alone
In this bright blue sea
That's turning grey in the dark
But I could cope
I used to

But now I can't
I'm alone on the wooden dock
Where boats lie on the sides
With shells and seaweed
Scattered around them

The sand used to feel so warm
Now it's colder than the ice cream
You'd give me and you'd laugh
Your deep gentle laugh
That I missed so dear

" hello poppet! "
You would say as I would hug him
Kiss his wrinkled and rough cheek
I'd hang upside down on my bed
As I wished him goodnight
You would smile and chuckle
On those lonely nights

You'd fly wooden airplanes
In the green parks
You'd throw them so far away
Now I fly alone
No one to turn to
No one to love

Your hair was silver as ice
Your smile wider
Than a child at play
You were a giant
You were so tall and strong
Yet you were so gentle
So kind and loving

You stuck a plaster and kiss
Upon my bleeding knee
And wiped my tears away
And gave me another cornetto
But now I'm still bleeding
And I have tears streaming down
My broken and crumpled face
How could you leave?
Why did you leave?
I love you...

I see you
You lurk beneath the skin
Razor teeth shining through otherwise empty words
I see you in the malice
In the anger and confusion
Contorting the human mask you wear
I see you in the hatred
Growing stronger
As together you learn to hate yourself
Each passing moment you are brighter
Your host duller
Although you hide it well

And I am afraid
Afraid that one day
I will see you
And you see me
In a mirrors reflection
That one day you will ravage my mind
Tear away all knowledge and perception
That I endear
As I burn my loved ones
With your bitter tongue
And slowly forget them entirely
Until I become you
And then can no longer see you

As now i have seen you
Take another's skin
Remove him from his family
Take his pride, his mind
His love for all
And isolate us
In our islands of fear
Frozen, we can do nothing at all
I realise that there is no happy ending
There is no way back now
I always thought there were second chances
But he is leaving us, painful piece by piece
So fast, yet slow

It's unbearable

For now I have seen you
And I can never forget
The look in your eyes
The words you've said
I see the void
I see living death
And at least for now
You cannot see me yet