I want to feel you
To sit in your skin
I want to wear you
To hide within

I want to be you
To let people know
You're an amazing person
wherever I go

I want to feel you
to hold you close
but now you're gone
like a ******* ghost...

January 25,

Im grateful he messaged an escort during my panic attack
I’m grateful he was acting weird with his phone
I’m grateful he kept me up all night till 6am drunk
I’m grateful he slammed doors yelling at me
I’m grateful he screamed in my face while wagging his finger

I’m grateful I questioned him
I’m grateful the escort cooperated
I’m grateful his brother warned me about the drugs and drunk driving
I’m grateful there were no accidents
I’m grateful he was so drunk I could check his phone

I’m so incredibly grateful that the escort responded in the morning so I could see it.
I’m grateful the escort answered my call and consoled me

I’m grateful I was shown and got out
I’m grateful I was so badly mistreated on Canada Day
Otherwise I would not have been suspicious
I’m grateful your family showed their true colours
specifically his mother’s blinded and dangerous loyalty.
I’m grateful that I can function

I’m grateful after considering all this, I now know I do not need closure.
Closure was him messaging an escort. Closure was him continuing to prioritize himself after being caught.
Closure was me prioritizing my safety. Closure was accepting that he is in fact an abuser despite his outward disposition.

He’s an abuser dressed like a butterfly: flighty, scared and beautiful. But he was really a moth eating away at the fabric of my life.

I’m grateful for my resilience and strength
I’m grateful for my friends and family

What is best for my soul is to wish you well and live my own life.
I wish you well, please don’t do this to anyone else.

I would be grateful for that.

Don't become finifugal
When i meet my demise
Even if such way is brutal
There's now a numbness in my mind
My existence painfully futile
In eternal rest i shall find
The consolation I've been seeking towards
Throughout this miserable life.

Autumn Leaves
Float the Breeze
Like the Memories
I have of You

Autumn Leaves
Kiss the Breeze
Then I Remember
Kissing You

Where do you Go?
And why do I feel so Alone?
I said, where do you Go?
I am Alone...

Autumn Leaves
In the Breeze
Disappear as they Fly
The Sky

Autumn Leaves
Forever in the Breeze
Bring on my Tears
As I whisper Goodbye...

Where do you Go?
I hope you are not Alone
Where did you Go?
I hope you are never Alone.

© Debra Lea Ryan
25.11.2024
☀♥ƸӜƷ✿♬

We met three times
Over fifteen years.
The disagreement paled
In light of his diagnosis.

He unexpectedly appeared
At my door, then stood in my kitchen.
He had a few serious questions
About brotherly affections,
And after spitting into my sink
(the poor man)
He wondered if I thought less of him
For not sending cards at Christmas and birthdays.
Is that what he came to say?

Next was at our last family wedding.
He was still steady on his feet.
We were five Irish lads.
The sisters said he was the handsome one.
He was.
There are six of us posing in this final shot.
He's wearing a Lucille Ball tie,
Losened around his neck,
Yet covering the gill-like scar
Running from lobe to lobe.
His hands are buried deep
In his pants' pockets.
His smile says Good-bye.

I saw him for the last time
A few weeks later,
Standing, bent and coughing
At the intersedtion of the roadway and Nature Trail.
His rib cage raging from contortions.
He waved off an offered ride.
And then he was gone.
It took us years to get here.

I'll leave you one day. There, I said it.
Or you'll leave me, and you won't regret it.

I love you, but I'm scared to
And I've told you what I've gone through

And you said you weren't going anywhere
But what if I go? How can that be fair?

And no, I'd never want to leave
But what if it meant nothing when I wore my heart on my sleeve?

I've known myself ten years longer than you
So I also know what I might convince myself to do

I cherish every single moment we spend together
And I hope we can smile through all this weather

But I'm so sorry if one day
I'll ghost you like the other
But for now we'll hang on tight
Because the only thing we have is each other

This is the last time we'll share a glance
As we realize this is our final dance

You were my guiding light, my North Star
Three years ago, I never guessed I'd make it this far

Back then I was a duckling, now turned into a swan
When you look in the past, you'll only see me long gone

You've nurtured my dream in your care,
but now I have a new one elsewhere

I've learned so much, and you did too
Our happiest moments will never be few

"To educate and serve as a family,"
Now thank you, for this fantasy

If only we could have one more chance
As we realize this is our final dance

Is this the hardest thing I’ve ever done?
Watching us crumble,
The foundation we built
Now cracked,
Splintered,
Like my heart.

Heartbreak isn't new,
But not like this -
I’m shattered and wrecked.

You're my confidant,
My mpenzi,
My darling,
My handsome man,
My kindhearted super achiever,
Joyful, yet so melancholic
Emotional, yet so light-hearted
Strong and vulnerable,
Brave,
But also so afraid,
What are you so afraid of, darling?

I wanted to shield you from the hurt,
Seeing you break shattered me in ways I couldn’t express.
My tears never came,
Only the sharp, silent ache,
A dagger twisting deep within.

Why do we have to say goodbye?
You belong in my heart
And I in yours.

I don’t know what comes next,
But I wish we could turn back -
Undo this hurt.

Yet, I wonder: do you truly love me?
Or are you afraid to admit it,
Caught in a complicated web?

Still, I love you,
Beyond all doubt.

there is a taste of home on the tip of my tongue
that is here but also not
a constant state of sugar-coated longing, bitter-trailed meet-ups, sour-filled goodbyes
something i had tasted my entire life yet might never even had
a sense of belonging, somewhere to be safe
a place where it tastes like bittersweet comfort and everything else

it's all occupied with dark fumes of flatulence
      the bus hanger
          it's teething and earning      a low ceilinged thrive

regularly cleaned    the roof portal
   with a large drooping eye
          brags of blue sky
the coaches are idling
   fretful   to be burdened and go

elsewhere
the public urinals
there's a strong smell of iron
are the morning users dehydrated
  malnourished or ill ?
i feel a little flated

elsewhere
in the waiting area
   a neatly turned out teen
    wants to give their seat to the infirm
does not     and hurts inside  averting
(a public act of courtesy
   would   after all   be an embarrassing one)

attention back to the importance
my friend has ungreeted me
  i have wished him ease
  and he has passed between the cordons
amongst amiable cattle
  he pauses at the authorities verification
who   in turn
   tails them to load up their luggage
                    and become their driver

                             - goodbye my friend