A shocking revelation, not so shocking revelation has dawned upon me and I realize I am not aligned with simply male or female. I deviated from the socialization of female and I am now deviating from male socialization and roles. I am deviating because the performance of gender doesn't do me much anymore except back pain and bruised ribs. The performance of male or female as a trans person is often unrelenting and empty. Performing has made me hyperaroused by those perceivimg me, anxious about failing my performance and getting sexually or physically assaulted, and has honestly not done me anything good in the past year and a half. All I get from that is being gendered "he" and even that isn't really affirming. I suppose it's better than She/her but it's all in the same if it's binary.
My existence cannot be boxed into either or.
I feel as though my experience with gender is always transforming and adapting to what's most comfortable.
Being a binary trans person felt comfortable because it was the only viable option from female. Now, performing/being perceived as male is not making me comfortable.
I don't want to die a man. I don't want to die a woman. This doesn't even take into consideration how I'll always be perceived as A or B. Gender is confusing. I identify as genderqueer, but also "not available."

Looked at my body, thought to myself, "my body is not conventional to the clothes I wear" and just had to write. It's 2am at night but when writing calls, I have no option but to answer.
there are multiple things I am referencing when I wrote this.
I am referencing that I am not conventionally attractive. My body doesn't hurt people but people are disgusted by it because of its transness, obesity and blackness. Certain clothes and undergarments physically and emotionally cause me harm. Most people would not understand the relationship I have with my body. I like it but there are times an instinct comes in and wanting to mutilate it to fit into standards of what's beautiful. Splattering my blood is my statement to society to how harmful standards and social norms affect me as a trans person. And lastly, being ignorant to these issues is a solution, not a great one, but because I refuse to partake in willful ignorance as most typical people do, I will manage these problems in a way that is healthy and different somewhere else. I hope this is explained well enough. Goodnight

hello, it has been a long while since I published anything publicly. I've made one or two works this whole year in private but not a whole lot. poetry is relieving for me when I fall into depressive states not so much when I'm stable. But I am starting a new chapter in my life.

Saw a picture of myself from about 6 or 7 years ago and felt inclined to write a message to myself then. If I met a younger version of myself, I wouldn't have told them everything that's happened so far. I would've just asked them why they do the things they do, and to think critically. having exposure to internet was great, but it did rot my mind.