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x Oct 31
it would have been 7 years today
i don't think about you much anymore
but you still cross my mind some days
usually when i'm alone
i'm not sure why

i'm not sure why
i read through our messages for hours the other day
noticing things i didn't notice back then
like how you'd only call me baby when you were *****
you'd say you want me, not that you miss me
you'd say you wanted to kiss me, not hug me
you'd want me in your bed, not in your arms
i didn't notice how every time you seemed loving and enthusiastic
the conversations would always turn to ***
i never recognised the pattern
just excited that you seemed to want to talk to me
rather than the short responses i'd grown accustomed to
but the other shoe always dropped

i don't know how i didn't notice
how you became less interested in how i was doing
and more interested in what i was doing
how i'd spend more and more of my time with you naked
because it seemed to be what you wanted
and if we weren't, you felt distance
and i just wanted closeness
maybe i did notice but i ignored it
i'm not sure why

i'm not sure why
you broke things off
you said i deserved better
you said it wasn't fair to me
you said you didn't want to commit
you said a relationship wasn't right for you right now
you said you saw us more as best friends who also sleep together
you said you loved me but not enough
you said i was the best thing that's ever happened to you
you said you couldn't have me anymore
all after i travelled 6 hours to see you
you greeted me so happily
you used my body all day
and then
that

and i hate
that i begged
and i bargained
that i tried to convince you
to love me
to stay with me
and i let you keep using me
the rest of the weekend
as if that would help
as if that would change anything
as if that would close the chasm between us
i'm not sure why

i'm not sure why
i feel disgusted with myself
even now
i mean,
no, i didn't want to
i wasn't in the mood
i was never in the mood for anything
i never had the energy
but i did it for you
and i initiated it half the time
because i just wanted passion from you
but why did i have so little self respect
maybe i'm the reason it ended
maybe i did this to myself
debasing myself to please you
to keep you close
but, all the while, reducing my worth in your mind
maybe it felt okay to you
because i'd treated myself the same way
putting you above myself all the time
so maybe you did too

it would have been 7 years today
and i don't know how to feel
you turned into someone i don't recognise
maybe so did i
but i got better
i got my energy back
i don't want what you gave me anymore
i don't know why i ever did
i can't make myself hate you
but i hate what you did
and i hate myself even more for allowing it
for entertaining it
we were just kids
but i thought you wouldn't exploit me like that
but i guess i allowed it
so who's worse
who's to blame
i'm not sure
stream of consciousness, we broke up 2 and a half years ago, i'm not sure why i read our old texts or wrote this but i did
There’s an ancient myth of immortality that inhabits the minds of tyrants and farmers alike. For the ultimate power – for the ability to avoid their ending. A river that never erodes its bank; a flame that never burns away its wick.
For the twisted, the demented, there’s something more. Mere elevation of life holds no appeal, but the fictional, the bread and circuses of the modern world – that, is something worthy of eternal continuation. The last word should never come, there must always be a new chapter, another episode, one more level.
Because there’s something primal in these fictions, these stories. From the first flames of bonfires, humanity has shared tales, the characters becoming legendary, and the audience holds them in their hearts for the rest of their lives.
We learn to love these fakes, in our own sick way. We learn what they desire, what they fear, what they love and what they hate. We learn about their background, their hopes, their struggles. And through it all, we empathize with them. We cheer for their success and feel remorse at their failure. They’re a one-way friend, one that speaks to you, but that you can never speak back to – but there’s no need to talk back. You just need to be with them, even from a distance. That’s enough.
And then, when the story ends? It elicits a pang in our hearts. It’s as if the characters we’ve loved have died, buried in their Happily Ever After. Our distorted minds, so illogical, take this metaphorical death with a weight. We grieve, perhaps not with the fervor of one who has truly lost a loved one, but we grieve, nonetheless. We are left then with an emptiness, a chasm that can never be filled in exactly the same way; a hole that gnaws at our very core for days, weeks, months – even years.
But why? These people are fake, they were contrived. These worlds are mere imagination, none of it is real. Why can we not, us ****** few, simply throw it away like a used consumable? Why the grief? This lingering pit in our stomachs, this hole in our hearts?
Why?
Why?
Why must it end at all? Why can’t we, hand on book and eyes on screen, make happy evermore? Why can’t we stay wrapped up in our little fantasies, surrounded by our paper friends, swept up in the dream? Why can’t blinking pixels become the north star to our joy; why can’t the credits, our lullaby? Does it really have to end?

Of course, it does. It always does. The book will have its final chapter; a movie, its final scene; a game, its final interaction. And left in its place will be the ending. The ending that it was all leading up to. The entire point of the story in the first place.
And us twisted, demented, distorted, sick, ****** few, will hate it. We’ll cover our eyes and ears like a petulant child. We’ll reject the ending, taking up pen and keyboard to make our own path, to extend the escape. Forsaking the creator, we know we can do better. We can, somehow, keep the flame lit, keep the wicker solid, keep the wax formed.
And in doing so, we can live forever, in a dream of our own design. We know it’s illogical: we’ll be stuck in the past, and everyone else will be marching towards the future. But the pain of this loss, however illogical, denies us any other recourse. All we want, all we need, is to float in an endless narrative, accompanied by the ones who were never real to begin with. To bask in their wonderful perfection, to find the comfort and companionship we know they can provide. We’ll never have to be alone again; nobody will have to die.
We’ll be deluded,

but we’ll be happy.
And for us, maybe that isn’t so bad.
This is a pretty long poem, but I like the way it turned out, so I'm not going to remove lines or anything.
Lena Sep 30
Need you.
Want you.
Lust overtakes these
Weary bones.

Want you.
Need you.
For this
God will never
Let me atone.

Need you.
Want you.
Let me
Take you away.

Want you.
Need you,
To come
To my wonderland
Forever to stay.
Made this to help cope, gotta love my form of copium.
elle Sep 26
sino nga ba satin ang uto-uto?
madaling naniwala sa tukso  
‘kay lambing at malumanay
subalit iyong mga pangako'y
hinulma sa matinik na katotohanan

sino nga ba satin ang uto-uto?
napaniwala sa pantasya
ng pagmamahalang
dapat na mapagpalaya

ako ba ang uto-uto?
isinumpa ng mga tendensiya
ng uring pinagmulan
isang kabalintunaan
sana’y mabalikwas
ngunit matigas ang aking ulo

ikaw ba ang uto-uto?
pero  
ikaw lamang ang makakasagot
sapagkat ito’y sulat sa hangin,
mga hinanakit at
sumpa na di makakaabot
sa iyo

ako yata ang uto-uto
napaniwala sa iyong
malalambing na tukso
dahil kahit ako'y nabudol
ng isang pagmamahalang mapagtaksil
ika’y hindi
mabitaw-bitawan
di ko alam kung sapat na sakin ang ganito dahil gusto ko pa maramdaman ang iyong mga kamay sa aking mga pisngi
Bevan Rees Sep 22
morning I wake and
before I sense life
I sense you.
in these moments
before the dreams steal out
and the parade of fears and hopes and lists marches in, we
are
enough.

my hands reach out fingerprinted
with memories of your geography:
the aspect of your spine,
the quake of your heart,
the heat in your skin in the dark
rising and falling as you breathe
Yes
And
Yes.

but I do not touch you yet.
the way first silent light of day
bends over you and

stares -

I know you are not mine alone.

I share you
with divinity and science and galaxies
and music and gravity and Now;
and the wind that lifts the branches of our hearts
with sighs.

still, I am a little greedy.
I am a little in love.
I cannot hide the joy
that cracks my face
as I stretch across the world of our bed
and meet your skin.
all I know pours into this instant:
a muscle shifting, breath quickening,
your eyes opening slowly like
planets escaping eclipse
as you roll over lazily
and smile,

‘hi’.
MadameClaws Sep 4
a blood-dyed string of destiny unites us,
from end to hematic end.
i dance and strafe,
to and fro,
skirring the breath-thin thread.
it’s not til’ i’m entangled
that i discern the red is my own alone.
my place in this web i apperceive,
while you perch upon the heart of the now gossamer,
like the right widow you are.
i don't love you, and i never will.
Soaked from the rain.
                                         Surrounded by figures.
                      Invisible to all.
                                                I heard it:
'You want to be loved.'
             The gray clouds enveloped the sky.
                                    I shook my head.
       Everything was crumbling.
                                                             Emptiness.
                                            Worthlessness.
                             Complaining.
                      Hatred.
              Distain.
       Apathy.
                                          I was seen,
                       But it wasn't me.
                                                                       Stop looking.

                                  The grass withered at my feet,
Turned to mud behind each worthless step.
                              My suit worn down with grime.
          Stained with dirt and blood.
                                  It looked nice,
                                             The stains were covered.

                    The voice:
     'Not loved for how you are.'
                       'But loved for who you are.'
                                     'Despite who you are.'
              'You want to belong in your existence.'
                              'You want you,'
               'The real you,'
'To be loved.'
            'Not the manufactured you,'
                                  'Not how you look,'
                                                 'Or how you act,'
                                                                   'You.'

                I laughed at it's words.
Feeling the urge to ***** and cry at the same time.
                                      But only smiling.

                                               Then I said no...
                                ...I said no...
Puddle.
           One day in the future I hope you open
            your eyes after it's rained,
            catching your reflection in the
            gathering
            water,
            and find yourself,
            free,
            alive,
            happy.

Youth.
            In an instant, her eyes widened,
             and I saw an innocence long lost,
             as tears began to form.

Blood.
           A stained white wood door,
            splattered in red,
            as the painter again,
            got lost in his head.

How to fix past mistakes.
           You can't. They're done.

Rope.    
          Tie us together,
          and hang out memories from the trees
          we used to climb.
          Suspend us forever with a infinite knot
          on fire.

How to Live with Yourself.
           With a song every morning.
           With change driven by guilt.
           A love never ending.
           A desire to be real.
                But all poetry aside,
                      With closed eyes,
                      deep breaths,
                      an empty mind,
                      and a wish for-

Coffee.
           A bitter taste,
            awakening touch.
           Sweet like cream and sugar,
           warm like cinnamon,
           I need you every morning,
           every day,
           all the time.

Milk Chocolate,
           stuck to my mouth,
           drying it.
           Always longing for something warm to
           wash it down with,
           but you just laugh and call it cute,
           as you wipe the stain from my face.

I miss you.
           Which you, I don't know.
            Whether the one I knew,
            or the one you are.
            I would die one thousand times just
            to see you again.
            It's harder still to know that others do,
            because you're gone,
            only to me.
The air falls silently,
incomplete repetition,
***** office carpet,
flickering ceiling light,
empty, collapsing, cubicles.

The wallpaper fades before your eyes.
People change.
You will die.

It takes emotion to be a true friend,
not presence,
just care,
intention.

Work will eventually mean nothing.

It doesn't matter if you are remembered.

Memories bleed a bed in which to lay.

The ribs break.

Clattering silverware as your parent's worry wins.

Silent dinners seeping dread.

The window panes crack,
dissolving into your mind.

You dream merely what you want to see,
not for others.

Crying heard muffled through the walls.

Futile attempt.

Shaking hands.

Scars, existent as not.

Childhood smile.

Scraped knee.

Painful silence.

It will all be good-
day,
night,
tomorrow,
future,
past,
-bye.

Stay with me one more moment.
One more minute.
One last time.

It will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Kiss.
When you kissed me,
With my eyes still closed,
I said to you:
"I have never had a first kiss."

When I opened my eyes to see your reaction,
You were gone.
And I remembered.


Beds.
Beds are dangerous,
Life-threatening traps.
The sheets: a barbed binding,
Encasing and suffocating.
The covers:
A panic-soaked hug
filled with hyperventilation. (Get off of me!)
The pillow: rocky ground and spinal trouble.


Dreams.
Dreams are non-existent nightmares.
Burning houses and drowning lakes.
Warm open night air in freezing water.
Being locked inside a trunk.
Fields of fireflies.
Cicada's friction.
You.
Always you.


Cafe.
Coffee reminds me of you.
The sweet warmth of cinnamon.
Cool refreshing milk.
Bitter richness of coffee.

A subtle hint of scented lavender.
A pinch of ***** chilli.
Honey, a name as much as a flavor.
Vanilla, pure.


****.
Vulnerable.
On display.
Exposed.

I removed my clothes first,
But you kept yours on.

Disgusted by the sight...
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